Let it Be
by Kaitsa
Summary: What happens when an imprint does not naturally grow into love? Will Jacob and Nessie be able to retain their connection while trying to build their own lives? And will they find love after all? Rated M for lemons.
1. Chapter 1 Daydreaming

**AN: I don't own anything**

_Summary: What happens when an imprint does not grow into love? Will Jacob and Nessie be able to retain their connection while trying to build their own lives? _

A story about friendship and love from both points of view. Nessie is growing at a human rate, without a gift, and is still 100% human. This story begins in January 2024, the year that she will turn 18 and gradually will become a vampire.

**Chapter 1: Daydreaming**

**NPOV**

**January 9**

I shifted through the songs on my IPod, looking for something that would reflect my mood. What is this mood anyway? A smile came across my face, as I stared up to the ceiling of my room. I felt like peacefully floating and crazy bed jumping at the same time. Jasper says my inner turmoil has been driving him insane lately. Too bad for him I can't block my emotions the way I can hide my thoughts. I am eternally grateful for inheriting mom's shield, 'cause dad would have killed me by now, if he could see inside my head. And killed him too…

Him… Closing my eyes, I see his smile before me. The way he blushes and looks down when I tease him too much, the way he can laugh out loud in public at my lame jokes, he is absolutely adorable. God, I hate to sound like a love sick teenager, but what can I say? I AM in love. And although I have just realized this a couple of months ago, I think I must have been in love for a long time now. Me and Josh have been inseparable since the first day my family let me go to school. They tried to warn me many times before, not to get too close to the humans, I would only get hurt. But I have a way of always going the exact opposite direction I am being pushed at. And since they could see I was already very attached to my best friend Josh, they just let me be. I am thankful to Jake for keeping them off my back. Where is Jake anyway? I thought he didn't have wolf duties today?

I picked up my cell and pressed the recall button. I didn't even have to check if his number was on top, it always is. Although I count Jake in the "big brother" category, he is actually my best friend. Despite the age difference, he understands me, and I can confide everything in him.

"Hey Ness", he said cheerfully.

"Hey, you coming over today?"

"Maybe later, Sam needs me at the rez for at least another hour…"

"Oh…"

"What's up? Need some Jake-time?"

"Did you just wink?" I grinned.

"Sure did". I love the sound of him laughing.

"I'm fine, just wondering where you were. And dreaming about him of course"

"Of course. I bet Jasper is having a great time"

" As long as he doesn't tell dad, we all will live"

"Nessie, do you honestly think Edward hasn't scanned every male that does as much as look at you? As soon as Josh has one ungentlemanly thought, you would be so busted."

"So this means he never has inappropriate thoughts about me then?" I tried not to sound too disappointed. Although I could tell Jake everything, I didn't actually do this. Everybody was so willing to believe I was this innocent little girl, who am I to shake their world? He was silent a little too long now.

"Do you want that then?" he asked carefully.

"Um… No. I don't know. Maybe?"

Jake sighed. Was I shaking his world now? Better correct quickly.

"I mean… It depends on what you would call inappropriate. I'm sure dad would want to bite his head off if he ever thought of asking me on a date. Or maybe even be my boyfriend…" The last statement sounded more like a pleading. As in, please don't laugh at me.

"Nessie… I am sure he already wants to be your boyfriend and there is nothing Edward can do about that. If he doesn't, then he is either really stupid…"

"Has dad told you any of Josh's thoughts?"

"You know we don't talk about those things. Me imprinting on you means I will always be there for you, to be anything you need. And right now, you need a friend you can trust. Edward knows that and therefore stays out of my head."

"Yeah, I know… I just thought…"

"And he doesn't tell me what's on people's mind either, because he knows you will get it out of me, and use it like the little manipulator you are." He chuckled. " Anyway, what did he do today to deserve your utter devotion and daydreaming?"

"I will pretend you didn't just mock my feelings." I stuck my tongue out at the phone, although he couldn't see me "And Josh just has to be his sweet self to keep my devotion." I added in an over the top dreamy voice, just to bug him some more with my girly behavior.

"Look, Sam's here. I gotta go. Maybe I'll come by later, but don't wait up, okay?"

"Sure Jake, bye bye"

I wasn't going to wait up, unexpected things tend to come up in the pack, and Jake, practically the alpha, needs to be around to fix things. So I changed into my pajamas and crawled under the covers. Back to the daydreaming then…

Josh wasn't my boyfriend, but mostly when this thought crosses my mind, I add "yet". The way he looks at me, he's got to feel the same, it's only a matter of time till he makes his move. And although I can be annoyingly pushy, or so my family says, I would wait for Josh, sweet shy Josh.

Hmm, _there_ was a question Jake made me think about for a while. Do I want Josh to have ungentlemanly thoughts about me? I can only say I do. I don't need him to act on them, in most ways I still am an innocent girl, but the thought of him fantasizing about me was more than a little turn on. What would he think about? Would he dream about kissing me? Undressing me in the backseat of my car? Or maybe go further than that? Thinking about those things made my stomach jump and my heartbeat rise. I sure was not ready for any backseat action, but as I imagined Josh touching himself while dreaming of me, I began to do the same. While dreaming of him of course…


	2. Chapter 2 Awake

**Chapter two: Awake**

**JPOV**

**January 9**

She will definitely be the death of me. This is so not how I imagined the whole imprint-becoming-a-woman thing. I put my cell on the table and rested my elbows on my knees, sighing deeply. Don't get me wrong, I patiently enjoyed every bit of the ride, I loved being her preferred babysitter, her protective brother, her play buddy and BFF. I rolled my eyes at the teenage slang that was creeping up my thoughts. Yet I somehow believed that she would need me in a different way when she grew up. If she was going to fall in love with boys and still needed me to be just her best friend, then why was I so madly in love with her? I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing again. Sam couldn't help me either. First he tried to convince me she was not going to fall for Josh, not really. Imprints are drawn to their wolf, there was simply no way of her not loving me back. Or so he thought. Now, however, he is not so sure anymore. What if she will need me to be her friend till the end of times, and nothing more. Could I do that? Of course I could, I have no choice. Would I enjoy it? That is something different.

This thing just doesn't make sense, imprinting should not be torture.

Sam suggested that maybe I just made myself fall in love with her, because I thought that was how it was supposed to go. And maybe we were just meant to be connected through friendship. I tried to hold onto that possibility and tried to talk myself out of love with her. Yeah, no such thing. Every little thing she does enchants me, I'm putty when she looks into my eyes, her scent makes my head spin, her voice makes my insides crawl… Now that is not a fake I-am-supposed-to-be-in-love thing, this is the real deal, truly, madly, deeply…

Enough of this. I told her I had pack business to do, and if I stay here willowing in self pity I would drive to Forks to see her and be busted for lying. So I decide to visit the one person that could keep me sane in times like this. Although she definitely does not qualify as a friend, she has proven to be of enormous value lately. She opens her door, wearing only a silk robe, takes my hand and leads me upstairs. Although the pack would never admit this out loud, we all agree that Leah is a stunning beauty.

This is not what draws me to her, however. It's the feeling of unspoken understanding, she knows what it's like to love and not be loved back. To feel the pity and worry of the pack. She knows better then to ask questions. Undressing us quickly while looking me in the eyes, I give in to the feeling of her warm hands on my chest. Closing my eyes, I push her on the bed and start kissing her feverishly. My hands are everywhere, and she sure is ready for me. I am a gentle person, but as I pound her I have to admit there is something very satisfying about wild wolf sex. I try to get lost in the feeling of our bodies taking over, try not to see _her_ face, try not to imagine _her_, my sweet innocent princess, lips slightly part, softly moaning. Obviously I fail. I focus on Leah instead, making Ice Queen Leah scream is a fantastic ego boost. We've been visiting each other for years now, for different reasons we chose not to talk about. I know her body, I know where to touch her, lick her and bite her. And she sure knows how to surface the wolf in me. As she shudders beneath me, her legs wrapped around me, I let go, and with a growl I grab her hips, pushing as deep as I can, letting the orgasm take over.

As both our wolves come to rest, I slide my sweaty body off of hers and pull the sheets over us.

She lay on her back, eyes closed, seemingly unaffected, although a small blush was visible on her cheeks. I was still panting heavily, on my side facing her, softly curling my fingers through her hair. My head rested on my upper arm. She opened her eyes, but didn't look at me.

"Can I ask you something, Jacob?"

"Sure sure"

"Do you think of her, while we…" I stopped the movement of my fingers in her thick hair.

There's no point in hiding with her, is there?

"Yes" I answer ashamed, wondering if this would hurt her.

"Don't be sorry, it's good I guess, can't have you falling in love with me, that would be crap"

She turned on her side and looked at me, not a hint of humor in her face.

I wanted to say something nice to her, not just hit and run again, although I knew that's how she preferred "things". She never was one to talk about feelings, but she did start this conversation.

"I really admire your strength Leah, I mean, sure, we knew you were not happy, but if I had known it would feel like this, to see them together… I would have given you a little more credit."

"It helps that he is not confiding in me with all the details of his adoration"

She didn't say "unlike Nessie" but that's obviously what she meant. She tried to be patient with Nessie, but sometimes her ignorance, innocence I would call it, annoyed the crap out of Leah. I guess any person can annoy the crap out of Leah.

"Sure, but still… All this time… It's been such a long time. Don't you worry you will never fall out of love with him?"

"It's different for you Jake. She's your imprint, she'll come around"

Again turning the focus on my situation, she's a pro at avoiding, gotta give her that.

I took a deep breath, laying on my back.

"I don't know. Claire was all over Quil when she was hardly fourteen! He had a really hard time keeping her off of him… What I wouldn't give… Claire never even looked at any boys, let alone fall in love with them. It's always been Quil, no doubt about that."

"Yeah.. that sucks…"

"Hmmm"

Back at home I was contemplating about driving to Forks. It was well past midnight, but Ness needed less sleep then your average human. On the other hand, I didn't want to wake her up. Especially since I am a not so happy version of her personal sun today. Leah managed to calm me down, but I was still sad. I decided to call Jasper to check up on her. I was not his favorite person lately, he was protective of Ness, and could feel my lust for her. In a way, Edward trusted me more around her, probably because, despite my horny self, I never even thought of taking advantage of her. But since Jasper could read her emotions, he would be able to tell me if she needed me, and he would be honest with me.

"Hey Jazz"

"Jake. What's up"

"She still awake?" Silence.

"It's a simple question, Jazz"

"Yes, she is awake"

"How is she? Should I come over?"

"No" Now, that was fast. Suspiciously fast. I sighed.

"Look Jasper, I know you don't trust me around her, but I swear…"

"That's not it Jake. First, I do trust you. If you felt any irritation from my part towards you, then that is no distrust, just mere annoyance on your… state. And second, right now, I believe Ness could do with some privacy." He said reluctantly.

"What does that mean? Does she have company?" Oh God, Josh better not be with her or I will…

"Of course not! But that does not mean somebody does not need privacy once in a while" He sounded really embarrassed. Something dawned on me.

"Is she doing what I think she is doing?"

"yes, knowing you, she is doing exactly what y_ou_ think she is doing"

"Right… Um… No coming over then, I guess…" I stuttered.

"Like I said. Goodnight Jake. Sweet dreams" he added dryly.

Right, like I could sleep with that visual!

I picked up my phone again and dialed.

"Hey Leah, you still awake?"


	3. Chapter 3 Much Better

**Chapter three: Much better**

**NPOV**

**January 30**

_Three weeks later_

Sitting on his porch swing, leaning against his side, his warm arm around me, I wonder if things can get any better. Sure they can, he could for instance tell me he loves me. There are many advantages of being in love with a good friend, we are spared of the whole awkward dating thing and I can get close to him whenever I want without raising suspicion. The downside of course is: when do you decide being close is not enough and risk it all? I look up at his face, his eyes are closed, his lips look so kissable right now. I am getting greedy and just a little impatient. He seems perfectly happy with just this. It is a pretty happy moment, I have to admit. We share the earplugs of my IPod and get lost in the music that is just for us. There is something intimate about that. But I need more.

Would holding hands be crossing the line? We held hands before, but that was more in a friendly follow-me kind of way, not in a romantic setting. It's getting dark and colder, soon the time would come for me to go home again. I never take him home with me, my family lives in a no-secrets-around-each other way and I do not. As much as I enjoy Josh's company, every day of not telling him I'm in love with him, is beginning to feel like a waste. And it's getting harder to stay silent as well. I caught myself a couple of times on the verge of spilling my feelings. There is this saying "there is no louder sound than unspoken love", so true…

Well, I was ready to cross some lines today. Holding hands it is. But how? His arm is around me. If I peel off his arm to take his hand in mine, it would seem like something less close. Do I take his other hand? No, that would not be a comfortable sitting position. Do I straddle his lap, rip his T-shirt off and ravish him? Ness, behave! Subtle moves.

I look up at him again, his eyes are still closed. He smells so nice, not in the blood kind of way, but in the man kind of way. I shift a little bit and inch closer to his neck to inhale his scent. I decide to rest my head on his shoulder, so I can keep sniffing him without getting caught. And closer still. He must know I am up to something by now. What am I up to? Just getting a little closer. Think he's falling asleep? My lips are against his neck now. And before I know it, I let my tong lick his soft skin for just one second. His breath hitched the slightest bit. I panic a little, how to explain that? But he doesn't move. He's definitely not asleep either. What now? Is he too embarrassed to react or does he want me to continue? If he calls me on it, I can always say I was asleep and dreaming. This silly thought makes me bolder and I plant the softest of kisses on his neck. And another one. I am finally kissing him, not with his consent and not where I want it, but it's still nice. I see goose bumps arising on his neck, and can't help but smile a little. Josh is enjoying this, whether he is ready to admit it or not. I stretch my back to continue my kisses and move them to his ear. A slight shiver runs through him and his arm just pulled me a little closer. Interesting. That's all the encouragement I need right now. I slowly lick the skin under his ear and he shivers again. I feel so powerful right now, but my heartbeat is alarmingly fast, reminding me that I am just a helpless love sick girl. My trail of kisses is gradually moving to his cheek, up to the promised land. Also the forbidden land. Well, probably not forbidden, but definitely the land of no return. I reach the corner of his mouth and hesitate a little bit. Before I can decide whether or not to continue, he has turned his head and his lips place a kiss on mine. I look up and see deep blue eyes staring in mine. I see panic as well. I can't have that. Before he can change his mind I kiss his lips and he kisses me back. We share soft sweet kisses, careful kisses. I close my eyes and melt into him, how long have I dreamt about this? Now things definitely can't get any better. I don't know how long we kissed like this, but somehow it got really late, and that's when my cell buzz broke us apart. It must have been a long time, because my back and neck hurt like hell, but not long enough. Even if we never get past this closed mouthed kissing stage, I would be perfectly happy.

Jake calling. I cough a little to find my voice before answering.

"Hey Jake"

"Hey Ness, just checking if you're okay. I know it's a Friday but Bella's getting nervous."

"yeah, sorry. I'm on my way. I… um…. lost track of time I guess"

I look at Josh and see him grinning widely at me. I would give my eternity for that smile of his. And I have an eternity to give.

"sure sure, better get home now and tell me all about it later" Damn, I am so obvious, I thought of keeping this my little secret. Oh well, I can trust Jake.

"Right. You gonna be there?"

"Not today"

"Okay, see ya"

Reluctantly I say goodbye to Josh, and he walks me to my car. His hands are shoved in his pockets, he seems nervous. There is no time to talk this through right now, so I fling my arms around his neck and plant a last hard kiss on his lips before hopping in my car, leaving him dumbfounded, and cheerfully pulling from his driveway.


	4. Chapter 4 Homework

**Chapter four: Homework**

**JPOV**

**January 31**

Reading assignment, English literature. The downside is, she has the urge to educate my absent feeling for poetry and such, which makes me feel like a total dumbass, being a high school drop out and car mechanic. The good side is, this educating involves both of us curled up together in a sofa. When she was smaller, she used to lay on my stomach in this same sofa, while I was reading for her. Soon she began to be smarter than me, but she insisted I kept reading to her like this, said she liked the sound of my voice… As her passion for poetry grew, she took more lead in these reading moments, but we kept the laying on the sofa thing. Edward believes she is too much of a woman now, to be pressed up against me, and I actually agree, but we are both too embarrassed to tell her why that is, so we just let her be. We figured as soon as she starts to feel like a woman, she would not be comfortable being so close to me anymore and the problem would fix itself. Things would be different if she were in love with me, but she isn't. Nonetheless, Edward keeps watch while pretending to teach Bella to play the piano in the adjoining room. At this thought he turns to look at me with a small smile. Yeah, thought so…

Me and Edward have talked about this stuff in the past, both of us assuming that Ness would start to feel the same way about me at some point. As I was getting over Bella, he actually started to grow on me. And since he can read my mind, there was no point in me keeping the pretence of disliking him, so now we are friends, sort of. He knows Ness can't be his little girl much longer, all he asked from me was that I never push myself on her in any way, either physical of emotional. And I never have, maybe if I had, she wouldn't be in love with Josh… But, we agreed to let her find her way, so I am condemned to be a spectator on the sidelines. Although sometimes a burden, watching her growing up is pretty awesome too.

Today, her reading being an assignment, she has to make notes, and therefore be sitting upright. So she decides that I should lean against the armrest and she props herself between my legs, leaning against my chest. Edward shoots me a warning look, and I shift my hips backwards. What can I say? I never deny my princess anything. I try to pay attention to the important things she is struggling to teach me, meanwhile combing my fingers through her long curly hair. Focusing on the hair is a safe choice.

"… don't you think?" she asks and turns around to look at me.

"Yeah, sure."

"Jake! You are not paying attention."

"No, ma'am" I duck my head pretending to be ashamed. Gonna punish me now?

She sighs resigned, ever patient with the impossible student I am.

"Listen, and tell me what you think, I believe the reason her father sends her …."

I really try, but it's hard. She looks so beautiful, all worked up about this book, explaining the dynamics between the characters while gesturing with her hands. She always does that, like the drama queen she is. She mustn't move too much though, being so pressed up against me between my legs. As she turns around a bit to make sure her point comes across and I don't drift off again, her bottom shifts against my groin, and I swallow to keep any sound from coming out. I cast a nervous glance at Edward, he keeps pretending. It's not like I can help it, I can't move any further backwards and she… she never sits still, damnit. Okay, the hair, soft hair, smelling like flowers…

"I give up, you're not interested" Oh no, not the pouting.

"Sorry Ness, I just had a long night patrolling" which isn't a lie.

"Alright, let me just finish this and then we can play on the Wii"

She leans back and slides a bit further down. The friction… For a second there I close my eyes and almost hum, but then panic kicks in. Shit, I'm sure she can feel me right now, pressing against her lower back. I try to steady my breathing. She's still writing on her homework. Either she knows how to act or she really doesn't have a clue. Please please, let it be the last one. She can get pretty wrapped up in these reading things, maybe…

I notice the piano sounds have stopped. Bella has gone outside, but Edward still sits on the piano bench. He's not looking my way, but his tense form tells me he is totally tuned in on my every thought, ready to rip my head off if I as much as think of touching her. As if I would be in this position right now if I could choose differently. Being the masochist I am maybe I would. Take whatever warmth she has to offer me. This earns me a glare from Edward. Sorry…

Finally she puts her papers down. The torture has come to and end. She steps away from the sofa, stretching her arms above her head like a sleepy cat, her soft stomach exposed to me under her too short blouse. Damnit girl, you're gonna get in some trouble if you act that way around all boys. I quickly put my feet on the ground and lean forward, hiding my peculiar situation.

"Come here, Jake" she says, rummaging through the game box "choose which game to play on the Wii"

Na-ah, I'll just keep sitting right here for some time.

"You choose Ness, it's all good, toss me the remotes"

As we bring our inner kids alive racing Mario Kart, my… situation subsides and both Edward and I sigh with relief. Maybe if the sofa thing starts to be a downside too, I should probably try to keep more distance, and not give in to her every cuddle wish. Edward smiles at this. With the emphasis on trying!


	5. Chapter 5 Party

**Chapter five: Party**

**NPOV**

**January 31**

I slept in late, made an elaborate brunch ,highly appreciated by the hungry wolf, spend an hour on homework and another hour playing the Wii. But now Jake is back at La Push , and I find myself with too much time on my hands. Five more hours till I see Josh again. We planned to go to this party one of his friends is throwing and meet at eight. That was before the kissing though. I could go over there now and spend the remaining five hours in his arms. But I don't want to raise any suspicion here, I have no excuse for getting bored in a house full of never sleeping vampires. I'm glad Jake never mentioned my losing track of time.

And I don't want to rush Josh either. We didn't talk about it, we just… kissed. Is he my boyfriend now? Or are we like friends with benefits? I don't want that, I want him to be mine. I guess I won't get any wiser tonight, with al his friends present. All our friends actually, although he's the only person at school I consider a friend. No, no PDA's to be expected tonight.

In an attempt to pass some more time I turn on my computer. Logging on I try not to get my hopes up. Besides, if he were online, what to say?

Josh: Hey…

Ha! So far for not hoping! I was totally hoping. Butterflies stirring in my stomach.

Nessie: Hey yourself

Josh: So…

Nessie: Yeah…

Smooth, this is going great. Damn, way to screw a perfectly comfortable friendship.

Josh: I was kinda waiting for you to log on.

Nessie: something you wanted to tell me?

Please, let him not say yesterday was a mistake…

Josh: I've been thinking about you all day…

Nessie: In a good way?

Josh: Definitely :-)

Phew!

Nessie: Me too Josh! I wish I could get in my car and come over, but my family…

Josh: I know. My family's fine, I told my mom...

Nessie: what did you tell her?

Josh: about us…

Nessie: which is?

Josh: are you teasing me now?

Nessie: No… just trying to figure out what yesterday meant for you.

Josh: Well, I was kinda hoping you'd be my girlfriend now

Nessie: :-D

Josh: that's a yes right?

Nessie: that's a YESYESYESYESYES

Josh: :-D

Nessie: we are such nerds, getting together on messenger

Josh: I know, but we did kiss first and this is sort of a big deal, right?

Nessie: Uhuh. Now I definitely can't wait to see you tonight.

Josh: That party… Wanna skip?

Nessie: I want to, but dad will probably send someone to check up on my behavior :-s

Josh: Hmm… So no PDA then?

Nessie: thought you wouldn't be up for that anyway?

Josh: I'm ready to show the world, babe :-)

Nessie: Cute :) Me too, just not my family yet. They are all VERY protective of me…

Josh: OK. How 'bout tomorrow then? My parents are visiting my grandmother, so we have the house to ourselves ;-)

Nessie: You better not get any crazy thoughts!

Josh: of course not! :-o I just want to spend as much time with you as I can.

Nessie: Relax, I was kidding :-p

But it needed to be said anyway… I added in my mind.

Somehow time did pass and I managed to survive the day without further questioning and got to the party. I didn't dress up for the occasion. Although lately I feel like a stupid teenage girl, I hardly ever act like a girl. In my family, Alice is the only one that loves to play fashion show. She used to treat me like her personal doll, but I got better at escaping her make over sessions, and now she thinks I am just a lost case. Doesn't matter, I never cared for my style and Josh loves me anyway. Well, he didn't exactly say that, but being my boyfriend implies that, right?

I refrain myself from hugging him, and try to find my spies. In the far corner I see Rosalie's blond hair and next to her, I look directly into the honey eyes of Emmett. He winks at me and something in his dimpled grin tells me he's on to me and Josh. How did he get to be so perceptive? Wasn't he supposed to be the ultimate male? Guess I'm just that obvious. I have been having a hard time keeping my eyes away from Josh's lips. Hmm, to kiss him again… Well, since I am busted anyway and will probably get the sex talk later tonight, no chance of Emmett keeping a secret, I might as well make it worthwhile. As soon as I hear a slow song through the boxes, I pull Josh with me to the dance floor. He's not complaining as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer.

"How about your family? Nobody here?"

"Yeah, Emmet's here, but he's onto us, so it doesn't matter"

"You're gonna get into trouble?"

"Nah, just some embarrassing conversations ahead…"

"Yikes"

I lean my head on his shoulder and enjoy his smell. His hands are softly roaming over my back, sending shivers down my spine. The song ends, but he does not let go, good thing the next is a slow song as well.

"He's watching us" Josh says a little uneasy.

"That's okay. Emmett never is subtle, he's just curious I guess, he's absolutely harmless"

"I'm surprised they send Emmett, I would have expected Jake…"

"Hmm? Yeah, me too, must be busy at the rez"

"He's like always with you, never lets you out of his sight" Now why did that sound accusing?

"I know, they're so overprotective."

"He's not family, why does he have to be overprotective?" Oh, apparently this is just about Jake. How sweet, adorable Josh is jealous. Hmm, how to explain that a boy looking twenty has been part of the family before I was even born? That he is actually way too old for me.

"He's practically family. Been there all my life, it's kinda complicated. I see him as a bigger brother"

A teddy bear brother that is, but better not say that, no need to push his buttons.

"Hmmm" However cute jealous Josh is, I can't have him be insecure. Especially not over Jake.

"Besides, he has this thing for a girl from the rez, Leah."

"He does?"

"Yeah, he thinks nobody knows, but I accidentally overheard a phone conversation, and something is definitely going on between them."

"Then why does he spend so much time with you and not with her?"

I suppose the answer to that one is that has imprinted on me, which means he is whatever I need him to be. And if I need a friend to keep me company, then that is what he does. But… I can definitely not explain the imprint thing to Josh.

"I think Leah is not ready for an actual relationship. She's kinda heartbroken, and I am much more fun to be around." Maybe my needs are keeping him away from Leah? That would not be fair. I want him to be happy too. I need him to be happy, and Jake gives me everything I need right? I bet it's not that simple. I'll better keep some distance so he can live a little too, he lets me be too selfish.

"Now, why are we talking about my family instead of making out?"

"Getting cocky are we?"

"Shut up already."

He leans down and pushes his soft lips on mine. Hmmm… I always get my way.

As I lace my fingers through the hair on his neck, he lets out a sigh and opens his mouth a bit to deepen the kiss. His arms are pulling me closer still and I open my mouth and give in to the kiss. Faintly I hear somebody whistling next to us, I'm sure our friends are quite surprised. Or maybe they are not, I couldn't care less. My heart is almost failing me as I feel his tong caressing mine. And here I thought French kissing would be some wet disgusting lapping thing. I was so wrong. This is so sweet and so erotic at the same time. We couldn't be any more intimate, standing like this in a crowded room, no longer dancing, just slowly letting our tongues slide against the other, pressing our bodies together. We got pushed to the side a bit, as the music gained some beat and people started dancing again, but our mouths never let go, neither did our tongues. Finally the kiss was broken as my cell phone buzzed with a text message. Emmett sent "Keep it down little girl, Edward will sure be checking my memories later", I quickly send back "Then look the other way…" while flashing him a wicked grin and continue my assault on Josh.


	6. Chapter 6 Pack Meeting

**Chapter six: Pack meeting**

**JPOV**

**January 31**

I'm waiting in Sam's living room for the rest of the pack to sip in. I could have been at a party right now, doing some chaperoning, and although it involves watching my favorite person in the world, I am guessing that tonight I would not be enjoying that. After the Wii race game, she walked me to my motorcycle and I had a feeling she wanted to spill some secrets, so I took the bike and started walking the long driveway, motioning for her to follow me. This is our ritual when not wanting to be overheard by vampire ears. I figured something happened between her and josh, something that made her 'loose track of time' yesterday, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it. She told me anyway of course, in great detail, killing me in the process, the way his lips felt, the way he pulled her close, his eyes, his smell…

I would never be her first kiss, maybe I won't be any of her firsts…

I tried not to flinch, and sound genuinely interested, which I am, mostly because I am looking for a reason to kill the boy. But no such thing, even I have to admit he is good for her. Damnit. I did make a mental note to send Alice her way, she needs a female friend, I do not want to hear details about anything beyond these kisses. And I don't need to see it either, leave that to chaperone Emmett tonight.

What I do need is distance, to keep me sane, I realized that today, several times. I'll make sure she knows I'll be there whenever she needs me, but other than that, I will try to stay away. Yeah right…

Now why is there a pack meeting tonight? My curiosity is rising. Good communication is essential for us wolves, but the mind reading and the frequent hanging out together ensures enough of that without ever having to call an official meeting. These things only happen on special occasions, mostly bringing good news about weddings to be held or babies to be expected. Sam, however, has had both so I still don't have a clue.

Leah comes in and falls back in the sofa besides me. None of the present men are surprised. What with the mind reading, they all know about our "connection" and after a few broken noses, nobody speaks about it anymore. She's nervously picking at her nails, looking slightly panicked. This is not like cool Leah, she never lets her tough composure drop, except at certain heated moments... Yep, that's something to be proud about. Now should I try to comfort her, or will it make things worse? If there is something that she hates, it is looking weak in front of the pack. So I refrain from putting my hand on her knee and turn myself slightly to look her in the eyes and send her a reassuring vibe. I'm not Jasper, but she knows what I'm trying to say. I think. It's not helping either way, she looks down and keeps fidgeting. Maybe she doesn't know. I'll text her. "Relax, it's not that kind of news this time. He would be looking at you with worry if it were…".

I put my phone away and hear hers buzz. She doesn't take it right away, but she waits a fair amount of time before absently reaching in her pocket. I look the other way while she reads it and hear her typing a short response. Although it's really silly that she chooses not to openly communicate with me, I respect her ice queen reputation and wait a fair amount of time myself. Why does everything have to be so complicated with her? Of course, some things are the opposite of complicated, but the emotional stuff… Damn. Finally reading her message "You're right. Phew. Thanks" I look up and she even flashes a small smile in my direction. Mission accomplished. Ever need some sunshine? Jake is on his way.

I know why she is so worried though. I clearly remember a similar gathering, almost ten years ago. Sam and Emily were radiant with happiness, announcing their pregnancy. While congratulations were flying all around, everybody kept a worried eye on Leah. This must have made her even more miserable. Since this baby boy would be the first in the existence of the pack ,there was a huge party.

For the next babies we threw a huge party as well, we like our fun from time to time. As songs were sang and drinks were poured, most of us lost track of Leah. She seemed to be doing fine, drinking along, still being her cold bitchy self, but that's not a surprise. In the period Seth, Leah and I were a small pack of our own, I was forced to spend a lot of time in her head and I learned there is more to Leah then the hard surface. I could never say this out loud, or she would have hurt me, but I remembered nevertheless. And I knew she would not be fine with this news. He should have let her know without the rest of the pack witnessing her misery. I really admire Sam, but in the whole Leah thing, he can sometimes be such a coward. At last some cracks appeared in her tough façade and I saw a tear glistering on her cheek. The booze would not be helpful in keeping those away. She wiped at her cheek angrily, but more traitor tears started escaping, and she turned around to leave the house. I tried to make my way over to her, being the coward I was myself, I kept watch over her from a fair distance.

I found her in the backyard, sobbing, and didn't quite know what to do. Although she shouted at me to leave her alone, I couldn't do that. Suddenly she phased and ran, so I did the same to follow her. As soon as I was inside her head, I was hit by the massive pain she was feeling. The grief over the long lost love that she can't seem to forget, over the babies she and Sam once dreamt about, over the babies she will never be able to have… It was almost more than I could handle… Catching up with her wasn't hard, she was tipsy and her vision was clouded with human tears. I caught her and pinned her down against the forest ground, cringing away from the death glare she sent me and the vile thoughts she was screaming at me.

I'm not leaving you alone Leah, I kept repeating in my head.

We'll see about that, was the last thought I heard before she phased back. She probably thought that I would turn away now she was a naked girl beneath me. Instead I also phased back and said: Two can play this game Leah, still not leaving you alone. It was actually a peculiar position we were in, me naked on top of her naked, pinning her down holding her wrists. But I only realized this when she did something that surprised me. She childishly licked me on the cheek. I was startled and she tried to use my distraction to free her hands, but I recovered quickly and without thinking I kissed her, hard.

Suddenly we were kissing frantically, she no longer tried to push me away but pulled me closer, her nails digging in my back, our hips bucking against each other. There was only one way this was going and we both knew it. I managed to breath between the kissing: "Leah… I… never…". She interrupted, equally breathless "I know, it's okay, you want this right?" "Hell yeah!" She pushed me on my back and before I knew it she had lowered herself on me. We were both trembling as she sat there, still, naked on top of me, me twitching inside of her, feeling her warmth. Her cheeks were wet with fresh tears, glistering in the moonlight. She never looked more vulnerable and she never looked more beautiful to me. Keeping her eyes open staring in mine, slowly she started moving her hips back and forth. My breath caught in my throat. I watched this miracle in front of me and tried not to buck my hips upward, afraid that it would be over too soon. Somewhere in the back of my head, I expected her to break down in sobs again any moment. Gradually she lost control over her body and she closed her eyes, leaning backwards, hips moving wildly, riding me. There were no displays of affection that night, I always thought my first time would be sweet and romantic, but there was something so natural about this raw feeling of connection, it amazed me.

What amazed me even more was watching her giving in as the waves of her orgasm came over her. Her rhythm became erratic and she shuddered on top of me, before she fell down against my chest with a soft sigh. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around her, pushing my hips upward, bringing myself to a release.

We lay there for a while, holding each other, I waited for more tears, but they never came.

Then suddenly she whispered in my ear "thank you" before she quickly turned away and ran for the woods, already phased. This time I respected her privacy and waited a long time before I phased and ran home. I needed this time for myself as well, to wrap my mind around what just happened.

I figured this would be a one time deal, but in the weeks and months that followed, whenever we ran into each other patrolling in the woods, one of us would phase to human and the other would soon follow.

Back then, we never talked about this, about what it meant, we both had our different reasons to need each other and it never felt cheap. My reasons were mostly plain and simple: I was horny. She was more complicated, although often horny, she mostly needed to feel wanted, feel beautiful. Being infertile and the only female in a pack of male wolves had deeply damaged her inner woman, and being with me restored that part of herself.

I woke from my mesmerizing by Sam clearing his throat. The small living room is crammed with people, all looking expectantly at Sam.

"I called this pack meeting today, because I have an announcement to make. Me and Emily have been married for fifteen years now. William is nine, Anna is five, they are growing up so fast… And I think it is time for me to start aging myself. I am leaving the pack and giving the alpha torch to Jacob, that is, if he is willing to take it…"


	7. Chapter 7 The Talk

**Chapter seven: The talk**

**NPOV **

**February 1**

"Hey Ness, I see they let you keep your phone"

"Hey Josh, yes, Emmett hasn't appeared yet so I'm a non-grounded girl so far. Still want me to come over?"

"You have to call me for that? What are you waiting for?"

"On my way" I grinned.

We spent hours in each others arms. At first I was a little worried, when he took me straight to his bedroom, but this is my Josh after all, and I shouldn't have worried. He was the perfect gentleman. In between kisses he kept telling me sweet things. Making sure I knew how in love he was, how he never wanted to let me go. It was pure bliss. Sometimes things got a little heated up and we took some time to cool down again. There was one awkward moment, in which I felt compelled to tell him that I wasn't ready for more. He was quick to reassure me:

"I know Ness, me neither. I'm sorry if I made you think… We're only starting to discover… I just sometimes get a little… you know?" He pressed his forehead against my neck, too embarrassed to look at me. It was actually more adoring than awkward, but I'm sure he believed it to be awkward. I more expected him to say he would wait for me till I was ready, and did not think that maybe he was not either. I thought boys were born ready, but somehow it makes more sense this way, he was right, we were just discovering after being friends for so long. I lifted my head, catching his gaze.

"But you do want me right?" I asked.

"Um… yeah" More blushing.

"That's good."

"It is?"

"Well… yeah, I kinda like that. I think maybe I want you too. Someday."

"Good" We both laughed, relieved that we got this cleared out and our lips and tongues were reunited.

I was reluctant to go home, but figured I would make things worse if I showed up after dark, so around dinner time I went home, and sat in front of the TV as if this was your average Sunday afternoon. Nobody asked me where I had been, which was a clue Emmett had updated them by now about the party yesterday night. And one look at my swollen lips was a giveaway of what I've been up to today. Jake walked in and sat next to me, also watching the TV show. And time passed by… I wasn't really paying attention, waiting for mom and dad to walk in, send Jake away and give me "the talk". Instead one by one left for a hunt. Skeptically I took the remote, shut the TV down and turned towards Jake: "Okay, tell me what's going on."

"You're expecting the talk" he guessed, equally reluctant.

"Sort of, yes"

He sighed.

"Well… _they_ figured that I should maybe do that" He put the emphasis on they to state that he did not agree.

"You're going to do the talk? That's ridiculous." Kill me right now.

"Why is that? They thought you would be less reluctant to talk to me, and more honest too, because you trust me…" He sounded a bit annoyed.

"They've got a point" I had to admit.

"Yes. But they're also wrong about the talk. I trust you to make the right decisions, and I also believe Josh will not push you into anything. And you are both smart people, so I believe you don't need the talk and therefore I will not give you any trouble. Just tell them I gave you a really hard time, okay? Now, put the TV on again, I was watching that."

Now I was sure he was annoyed, probably just embarrassed that mom and dad asked him to do this. We are very close, but we never really talk about sex stuff, never needed to either, me being a virgin and all. Would I be honest with him if it would come to that? I think I would, and my parents were right that I'd rather talk to him.

"Look Jake, nothing happened today and nothing will happen any time soon, so you can reassure them I'm not rushing things, and neither is Josh."

"You can hardly say _nothing_ happened, seeing your bruised lips…"

"You know what I mean…"

I was a little hurt at his cold demeanor. It was not my fault the vampires put him in this position. Well, maybe indirectly. Perhaps I needed him to do the talk and the imprint gave him no choice. Damn this thing was so complicated, and wrong. He should be free to be wherever he wants to be. Maybe he could have had a nice evening with Leah.

"Why exactly are you here Jake?" His head snapped up at this question.

"What do you mean?"

"You seem like you'd rather be some place else."

Silence. Thought so. This imprint thing is so not fair, I had to set him free somehow.

"Listen, you don't have to be here for me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy your company" if you're less moody that is, I added in myself "but I don't NEED you here". I hoped the importance of the word need would come across, and that he would be somehow released from this force. Instead I saw hurt in his eyes.

"I see" he mumbled as he started to get up.

"I didn't mean that in a bad way Jake."

"Sure, I understand. Call me when you do need me" and before I knew it he was out the door and I heard the motorcycle roaring down the driveway.

Oh God, now I hurt him. Shit. I only wanted him to know he could be with Leah if he wanted to. I wish I could undo this imprint. It never really bothered me this much, but I find myself feeling more and more guilty now I start to realize that perhaps his life is on hold on my account. He could have had a family by now, but instead he has to deal with a stupid teenage brat. One that managed to show her gratefulness by hurting him. I had to explain myself so tried to reach him on his cell.

It was only after the seventeenth time that he finally answered.

"Yes?"

"Jake, I'm so sorry, please don't be mad, it must have sounded really bad, but I honestly didn't mean…"

"Hey, relax, it's okay."

I sniffed a bit and tried to swallow a sob.

"Shit Ness, are you crying?"

"No."

"You _are_ crying. Damn. Want me to come back?" He sounded really pained.

"No, that's my whole point. I think it's not fair that you are forced to be here for my every whim. This imprint…" Sobs started to escape now.

"Hush Ness, please don't cry, please… " He sighed deeply and I tried to control the sobbing.

"Silly girl, have you ever considered that, imprint or not, whatever, maybe I am not _forced_ to but _want_ to be there for you?"

"Really?"

"Really."

"But you didn't seem to want to be here earlier."

"I'm sorry. There's some pack stuff going on. You probably won't see much of me this week, but I'll tell you all about it at the bonfire next week. You're gonna be there, right? Bring Josh."

"Sure, I'll ask him. You're not staying away because of what I said?"

"No no, promise. You still want me around?"

"Yes, of course! I just want you to have a life too."

"I'll try. Alright? You better?"

"How did me calling you to apologize end up in you comforting me?"

"That's me, sunshine, sunshine" he laughed. I would do anything for that laugh of his.

"Now get comfy and tell me all about your boyfriend. This is easier over the phone."

I told him about the kissing at the party and about the all-day-make out session. I also told him about the little talk Josh and I had, which seemed to please Jake's protective side.

We chatted along till I heard someone coming home downstairs, ending our privacy.

We said goodnight and after sending Josh a sweet message I fell asleep wishing his arms were around me…


	8. Chapter 8 Torn

**Chapter eight: Torn**

**JPOV**

**February 4**

I walk around in the woods, absently dragging my feet through the leaves on the ground. I need the woods to think, but I'm human as I need privacy as well. Three more days till I see her again, three days since I last saw her. And four days since the major question had been asked. These past few days have been hell. It al started with Sam's big news. I honestly had no idea if I was willing to accept the leadership of the pack. Sure, the task was now easier then it had once been, the tribe hasn't been threatened for years, but nobody knows what the future will bring and the Cullen coven does attract some attention in the vampire world. Another factor in this decision is Nessie of course. She's not mine so I can't ask her to stay with me in LaPush once the Cullens move. Letting her go without following is not an option either, that would destroy me, so if it would come to the choice between her and the pack, I would leave the pack behind. Would it be fair to accept the alpha role temporarily? On the other hand it is my duty to fulfill the task that I was born to do, to take the responsibility. I talked a lot about my concerns, mostly with Sam. He told me that I have a predestined duty towards my imprint as well, and if forced to chose, they all would understand that I had to follow her. And that no alpha accepts this role to be his forever. These were valid arguments, but I still needed to think this over thoroughly. And talk to the Cullens, and Leah, too.

Being the alpha would mean having a natural authority over her. Seth, who picked up on those worries during patrolling, couldn't believe I would let that argument be of any importance, me and Leah didn't even have a friendly relationship. I shut him down, not willing to discuss this, but thinking it over later I concluded that for me, the argument was relevant. We did have some sort of relationship, or understanding or whatever, that went beyond the sexual and that was important for me. Would this connection be damaged when the power balance was distorted?

And Ness… Even if she would stay in Forks forever, being the alpha involves me hanging around in LaPush much more and having less time on my hands to spend with her. On the other hand, maybe this is just what I need. A reason keeping me away, to maintain a little distance. A way to distract my mind and give my life some sense now she's doesn't seem to need me that much anymore. Needless to say, I was torn, the indecisiveness kept me awake and if that didn't do the trick, I had some other thoughts torturing me.

Starting on Sunday. First, I had to hear from Emmett that my girl had been smooching on the dance floor for hours in a row and that she had spend all day in her boyfriend's bedroom. Emmett never was a subtle one, and I could clearly hear in his voice and his compassionate look his opinion of the things that were going on inside that bedroom. Surely my Nessie would not get ahead of herself, but the kissing was bad enough to drive me insane. On top of that, all highly sexual vampires decided now was the day to become prudes and put "the talk" on my hands. Ness doesn't need anybody lecturing her, she never has, but there was no getting out of that so I was forced to have a very uncomfortable conversation with her. I tried to avoid looking directly at her, because her red puffy lips only reminded me of her recent activities and I craved to kiss those lips myself. So bad. She must have felt my discomfort and tried to push me away, believing I insulted her.

Thinking about my determination to keep more distance, I left, only to have her calling me a while later, confused and crying. God, sometimes I don't understand a thing about her, and I'm her best friend. We cleared things up until she was cheerful again, leading to her telling me all about her making out with Josh. I was thankful she couldn't see the tears on my face and the sickness I started to feel.

I haven't seen her since, and the distance thing is proving the be harder than expected, even when the alpha thing is taking a lot of my pondering time. I went without seeing her for days in a row before, but never when I had forbidden myself to seek her out. Just the fact that I couldn't go over there, made me think about going over there all the time. I tried to tell myself she might not even be home, I might be taking the trip to Forks to find that she is in his bedroom again, and I really don't want to be thinking about that. I would be seeing them both together soon enough at the bonfire Saturday… I have to find a way to cope by then. The mere thought of his hands on her made my inner wolf growl and want to claim her possessively. I can't do that. I can't stop thinking about her either. Would his hands be on her by now? She said she wasn't going further than kissing anytime soon, but what is too soon when two people are in love? Young and healthy people… I sure never expected to end up having sex when chasing Leah in the woods. These things just have a way of happening.

Thinking of Leah I believe I've been avoiding her as well. This alpha thing is already creeping up between us and that is too bad, because I could really do with some Leah-time to calm me down this week.

Maybe I should go talk to her first about my concerns. She would not give me some crap I want to hear, but share her straight forward and honest opinion.


	9. Chapter 9 Bonfire

**Chapter nine: Bonfire**

**NPOV**

**February 7**

Tonight at the bonfire, I hoped to get a little alone time with Josh, we hadn't had much of that this week. In between massive homework loads and his younger sister rushing in and out of his room, there was really no point in starting a heavy make out session. I also kept the late night phone calls on safe topics with the vampires in the house. There were two heated passion filled moments, although both were overshadowed a bit by fear of getting caught. On Tuesday Josh pulled me into an empty class room during lunch break and we ended up eating each other's faces instead of lunch and yesterday I drove him home from school and took a little detour to park near the forest. Making out in the backseat of a small car is definitely uncomfortable, but it's part of the human high school experience my parents wanted me to have. I wonder if they also meant that I should lose my virginity on prom night. I grinned at that thought, prom night is three months away, so the possibility still exists.

We would not be able to sneak off too long tonight, or Jake would surely notice. But in spending so much time while growing up at the LaPush beach, I knew some secluded spots with romantic possibilities and I was also pretty sure Jake would let me have some time with Josh, he trusted me, his words.

At first I was a bit wary about asking Josh to come along with me, the bonfire was a wolf gathering, and after a few beers some secrets could be spilled. After telling Jake on the phone he assured me that any slipping would easily be explained as a long standing tribe-joke that emerges anytime some alcohol is being shed. Who in his right mind would believe in werewolves? Or shape shifters. That would have to do, I really want to bring Josh, being away from him is becoming harder now we are aware we love each other. The evenings I spent at home passed ever so slowly. It was also a bit weird without Jake there, I kind of missed him, but I wouldn't let him know that, he seemed preoccupied with wolf stuff and I had promised myself I would be less of a burden to him.

Soon the house would be even more empty as Rose, Emmett, Alice and Jasper would make a long trip traveling through Asia. They weren't enrolled in school or college at the moment, and were in need of a bit of excitement. I would miss Emmett most, he was my vampire buddy and we had the best of times together. We would sometimes laugh so hard I had to run to the bathroom in fear of wetting my pants. I wouldn't miss Jasper so much, but as that thought pops up I immediately feel guilty. I really like Jasper a lot, we are both reading fanatics and engage in long discussions on subjects that would put everybody else to sleep but that were of vital importance to us. He acted sometimes as my personal mentor and teacher. He's always understanding and has a wicked sense of humor. Only lately, my messed up teenage feelings made both of us uncomfortable more than once and I suspected him to plan his hunting trips on evenings I would be spending at home. It would get better in time I hoped, when I was a little less confused and more in control of my feelings.

Now I knew Josh loved me, that was one less reason to feel confused, but it also brought a bunch of other concerns along. Josh would eventually want to meet my parents and the rest of the family, including my grandparents, who all looked not much older than me, and that was actually the least of my worries. I tried not to think about anything beyond this, for instance me slowly becoming a vampire in the next few years, the Cullens moving away from Forks and me starting my eternal life away from Josh… Reason enough to cut off that train of thoughts. I would have to figure something out along the way.

Arriving at the beach, holding Josh's hand, I saw lots of familiar faces. As to be expected, mostly wolves and their families were present. Josh was slightly nervous, being a naturally shy person in a group of new people. Jake would be the first family member, well almost-family member, he would meet and he knew they could get protective. I searched the beach, looking for him, all Quileute wolves look the same from a distance, until I noticed him near the fire, carrying a pile of blankets to keep the humans warm tonight. I immediately released Josh's hand and ran Jake's way, jumping onto his back. Any human would have toppled over, but the wolves are strong and they have great hearing so his surprise was a nice piece of acting.

He easily took me off his back and pulled me into one of his bear hugs. He didn't say he had missed me this week, and neither did I, but we both knew. And I was so thrilled to introduce my boyfriend, practically bouncing up and down, waving my hands at Josh to hurry up and come over. He walked our way hesitantly.

"Jake, meet my boyfriend Josh, Josh, you have probably seen Jake before, he's practically my brother."

Both their faces fell a bit, appraising each other and shaking hands firmly.

"Be welcome Josh, take a seat at the fire and grab some blankets too, it's going to be a cold night", he smiled at Josh, but it wasn't a real smile.

"I guess we'll just gonna have to sit close enough then" Josh replied coldly, winking my way.

What got into them both? Cavemen alert!

Josh didn't flinch, but when they dropped hands I saw him flexing his fingers a couple of times. Walking towards the fire I put my arm around his waist, and looked back to see Jake watching us and I gave him the evil eye while mouthing "be nice". He just shrugged innocently.

Some protective and defensive behavior was to be expected, but I wanted to show Jake what a nice person Josh was and vice versa, and right now neither of them was. Since Jake is the older one, I scowled at him again, while cheerfully nestling myself against Josh's side near the fire.

It was then that I noticed a figure a few benches from where we were seated, Leah, Jake's girl. She looked at me disapprovingly and shook her head slightly, turning away from us. She never really liked me much, but mostly I ignored her, she doesn't seem to like anybody. From what I've overheard, apparently she does like Jake, but I don't know what he sees in her. Sure she is beautiful, gorgeous actually, but would he be so superficial? Anyway, he's the one sharing her mind at times, so there must me more to her, and it's really none of my business either. Jake never talks about girls, so maybe he's into cool hard to get chicks.

More and more people started gathering, and the fire immediately created a cozy atmosphere. Drinks were poured, stories were told, children were running and playing in the sand, and later crying their hearts out when put to bed. Jake sat on a bench next to Sam, not Leah, so I figured that maybe they had a fight and that was why she kept shooting daggers around, I tried to feel less insulted. The moon rose and cast it's light over the rippled ocean. The more bottles were emptied, the more funny the stories got and the loud laughter echoed over the beach. Me and Josh kept quiet, enjoying the nice evening and each others closeness, sharing a soft kiss from time to time. Jake was wrapped up in conversation the entire night, everybody seemed to want to talk to him, so it was easy to sneak away under the pretence of getting another drink, Josh happily trailing behind me.


	10. Chapter 10 To Talk Or Not To Talk

**Chapter ten: To talk or not to talk**

**JPOV**

**February 7**

I had planned on announcing my decision about the alpha thing tonight before the bonfire, but I still haven't made up my mind. Humans and children would be present too, so maybe it wouldn't have been the best occasion anyway. Speaking of humans. Where the hell are they?

Focus. Seth is talking to me, listen to that, don't think about all the places Josh's hands could be right now, about them kissing, about her maybe begging for more, shit, focus, damnit.

I fail and get up to grab another drink, an excuse to leave Seth behind and everybody else who wants to share their opinion on the pack leadership, again. I had heard all of their opinions, over and over. Well, not all opinions, I still hadn't talked to the Cullens. Or Leah. But somehow I am not tempted to approach murderous Leah right now. She doesn't like Ness and was not hiding that tonight. I guess it's a good thing that Ness is so wrapped up in Josh, or she might actually get killed by Leah's glares. I can't put off talking to her for much longer either, I promise to try tonight. It won't be easy, we never talk about this thing we have, but now exactly that is necessary, it would be really rude to hear all of their opinions and not ask for the one in the pack that matters to me most. Would I refuse to be alpha if she asked me to? Is she worth that much? Difficult question.

Now where are they? It's been 33 minutes now.

Should I go look for them? Ugh, and maybe find them in a compromising position, I don't think so.

I need another drink. Good thing I am so big and warm enough to quickly burn the alcohol. Us wolves have to try really hard in order to get drunk, some of them however have clearly succeeded tonight, seeing the attempts at dancing and loud giggling going on.

The worse thing is, apart from her introducing me as kind of her brother, Josh actually seems like a really nice guy. I can't find a single bad thing about him, he must be pretty fantastic to be the only high school student to get her to open up and be friends with him. And from what I hear he's not trying to get into her pants either. Not yet anyway. And he is kind of good looking, as she told me a thousand times. Seth and his boyfriend agreed, not that I asked their opinion. Okay, he may have sounded a bit arrogant while greeting me, but I must admit that this might have been my fault as I was trying to impress him by squishing his hand. How childish. I'm not proud of it. But all is fair in love and war right? I sigh again. Afraid not. I'm gonna have to wait till she is sick of him or till he messes up. And if neither of those things happen… well… then I don't know what I'll do.

Oh, there they are, relief washes over me, quickly fading away again as I notice the twinkle in her eyes and her cheeks all blushing. Apparently this human can warm her up just fine, even without the fire. Who needs a hot werewolf? Or his blankets. Another sigh.

They're coming over, better look for my smiley face, ugh, maybe tired face will do.

"Hey Jake, I'm sorry I didn't get to catch up with you, you were quite popular today."

"Yeah, I'm sorry too, some stuff going on…"

"Secret stuff?"

"No not really, I planned to tell you tonight, but I got busy… and so did you" Wink. More blushing.

"Maybe I could come over tomorrow to catch up? Josh is out of town. Or will you be busy too?"

"No, I've got time tomorrow, just let me sleep in okay, it's been a sleepless week"

"Are you okay? You do look tired."

"I'm fine, really, I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Now off you go, tell the Cullens I said hi."

I wanted to make up for my foolish behavior earlier with Josh, so I patted his back, lightly, no wolf patting, and said with a genuine smile "Take good care of this one, okay, she is special."

"I know Jake, and I will, don't worry" he smiled back and Ness looked relieved. Proud even, of both civilized men. Good. Now everybody can go to sleep with a clear conscience.

I watch them walk away and decide not to dwell, I gather my courage and send Leah a text, hoping she would be in a better mood now Ness is gone and that she'd be willing to meet me in my garage to talk. I also hope she appreciates me not approaching her in public, in front of the drunken wolves, who would definitely assume something else.

The look on her face as she walks in a couple of minutes later, however, is not a look of appreciation.

I decide to postpone the alpha talk and figure out what is bothering her first.

She looked up at me and started blurting:

"Jacob, you can't let her do this to you! _Come on_! She is so oblivious, cuddling with the boyfriend right in front of you, she might as well just cut your heart out and get it over with. I know you can't refuse her anything, but damnit Jacob, stand your ground, will you?"

Huh? I needed a moment to gather why exactly she's angry at me, or Ness.

"It's not her fault, I told her to invite him…"

"You did what? Now why would you do that?" Her eyes grew even bigger in disbelief and anger.

"I don't know. 'Cause maybe I thought she wouldn't come otherwise?"

"Well wouldn't you rather have her stay away than her being here with _him_?"

"No…" I realize how pathetic that sounds and look down.

"Besides, if she is the kind of girl that would forsake her friends for her boyfriend, than she is even more stupid than I thought."

"Leah!"

"I'm sorry" she said sarcastically, not sounding as if she were sorry, "God forbid somebody ever saying a bad word about your little princess." Now I am pissed off. I don't have to keep listening to this.

"Look Leah. First, she sees me as her brother, and any teenage girl would choose to spend time with the boyfriend instead of the brother. And second… are you jealous or something?"

"What the fuck? How did I end up in this?"

"Because I think the real reason you are so worked up over this is because you are jealous."

She stared at me incredulous, too angry to speak. Not granting me another look, she turned around and left the garage. I didn't go after her. I leaned back against the wall, my hands in my hair.

This went well, way to go Jacob.

Now I remember why we never talk, just fuck.

Maybe that's over now too.


	11. Chapter 11 Catching Up

_**Please let me know what you think…**_

**Chapter eleven: Catching up**

**NPOV**

**February 8**

After lunch I gave Jake a call to check if he was up yet. Sleeping in can get extravagant with night patrolling wolves. Once propped up comfy on his couch, I learned the reason for the commotion in the pack: Sam had offered him the alpha position. I told him not to doubt, Sam consulted Jake in every decision he makes, so he practically is the alpha already. Apparently things were not so simple in Jake's reasoning. He was for instance worried what would happen if my family would leave Forks.

I had been thinking about this, having to leave Josh, but I never considered it would mean leaving Jake too. His tribe needed him as much as I did, would the imprint come first, and could I even ask him to abandon them? I really wasn't ready to envision a future without either of them, so I quickly changed the subject.

"So did you and Leah have a fight at the bonfire?"

"Huh? How did you know? You left already." Panic showed on his face. So he did have a fight.

"Oh. No I meant before. She looked totally pissed and you didn't sit next to her."

"Why would I sit next to her?"

Right, he probably wonders how I found out about them, we never discussed this.

"Because she's your girlfriend?" I assumed.

"Where would you get that idea? She's not."

He didn't look busted, just really surprised. Had I misunderstood that day?

"It's okay Jake, I know about you and Leah, I won't tell anybody if it's a secret." I bluffed.

"Hold on. How did this… What _exactly_ do you know?" And catch.

Wow, apparently this _is_ a secret, that's why he didn't sit next to her.

"I was at your garage the other day and overheard you talking to her on your phone. I didn't mean to eavesdrop and was about to go out again but I still heard enough."

Now he looked agonized.

"What exactly did you hear? Literally?"

"Why is this so important? I don't remember the exact words. It think it was something like _"Hello Leah, I need some loving tonight, meet me at eight?" _It's not much, but it's enough, don't ya think?" I asked with a smug smile, daring him to wiggle his way out of that.

He groaned and leaned forward, elbows on the knees, hiding his face in his hands.

"Who else did you tell this?" he asked without removing his hands, afraid of the answer.

"I might have told Josh, but nobody else."

"So don't, okay?" he replied curtly, looking back up again.

I was a little put off by the hardness in his tone. He obviously didn't trust me one single bit, and here I was pouring my heart out to him about my crush. I felt totally stupid and to add to that my eyes were filling up again. He sighed and pulled me closer to his side, his arm around me.

"Listen Ness, I didn't tell you because Leah is _not_ my girlfriend, honestly."

"But that phone call…"

"It's pack code."

"Sure Jake, now you don't trust me _and_ you lie to me" I tried to move away from him, but he held me close.

"Please Ness, don't… Okay, so it's not exactly pack code, but it _is_ a code between me and Leah, and I swear she's not my girlfriend."

"Right. So what does "_loving_" stand for, then? Honestly." I asked inquisitive.

He sighed deeply, removed his arm and leaned back against the couch, watching me intently.

"It means sex."

"What?"

"We're not together, we just… sometimes… have sex."

He looks down, blushing, fidgeting. I don't think I ever saw Jake so embarrassed before.

"So… she's like a fuck buddy?"

His head snapped up, shock displayed on his face.

Oops, I forgot to play the innocent role.

"I live in the same house as Emmett and Rose, I can handle it."

"Right… um… yeah, maybe you could call it that." This was interesting.

"What do you call it then?"

"I never needed to call it anything, I never told anybody."

"How long?"

"Ever."

"I mean how long have you and her…"

"About nine years."

"Jeez. And all this time you kept it a secret?" No way I could've done that!

"Of course not. Pack mind remember. Nobody talks about it, but they all know. Both Leah and I got trained in hiding the memories by now, which is a good thing, 'cause I certainly don't need to see those images through pack minds. " I nod.

"Mind reading is a bitch sometimes, I have a shield but I dread the day dad meets Josh."

"Got something to hide then?" he asks teasingly.

"Well no. Not yet." My turn to blush. Better change back to him.

"So dad knows about you and Leah too?"

"Naturally. But I think he hasn't told anybody else, he is very discrete with his gift, unlike the wolves."

"So if you have been, you know, for nine years, then why isn't she your girlfriend?"

He thought about that for a long time.

"You know about her and Sam?"

"That he dumped her for Emily when he imprinted on her."

"Yes. Well, she is not quite over that and then there's my imprinting…"

"But it's different for you and me."

He looked at me and it was hard to read his expression.

"Yes, but who can tell what will happen if you move away from Forks? We just talked about this, there's a chance that I would follow."

"But if she would be your girlfriend, then she could come, too"

"It doesn't work that way, Ness."

"So she's afraid to take a chance and loose you?"

"I don't know, we don't about stuff like that."

"Do _you_ want her to be your girlfriend?"

"No" He didn't have to think long about that.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not in love with her."

"I think it's weird that you can sleep with someone without being in love with them" Maybe it's a male thing, Leah might be in love with him.

"Yeah, I believed that too, before…" We both sat in silence for a while, letting this conversation sink in. Jake having sex with Leah. For nine years. Damn, I thought I knew him. But I guess it makes sense that he didn't share things like that with me, especially when I was younger. He still looked apprehensive as if I would not be okay with this, or think of him any less. I didn't. Wolves have needs too, I guess, it was perfectly understandable. I could handle it.

"Leah, huh…" I said, granting him a reassuring smile.

"Yeah…"

"I do see where you're coming from, she looks absolutely stunning, but she's so cold…"

"She's not cold, believe me" he replied with a mischievous grin.

"Please, no details." I stated lightheartedly.

"I wasn't going to."

"And yesterday you had a fight?"

"Boy, this is some third degree" he mocked, and then hesitated "it wasn't really a fight… or maybe it was, I don't know. I needed to talk to her about the pack thing, but as you saw she wasn't in the mood for talking and said some bad stuff to me, and I might have said some bad stuff back and she ran off…"

"She'll come around, nobody can stay mad at you, sunshine Jake."

"You obviously don't know Leah" he chuckled, "Anyway, enough about me now, don't think I didn't notice your little disappearing act yesterday."

"Oh, I knew you would notice, but you were just too busy to come get me back."

"I wasn't brave enough, who knows what I would have walked in on" he playfully poked me.

"Just kissing, Jake" I answered, rolling my eyes.

After another silent minute I said

"I'm really glad you trusted me with this, not treat me like a kid, you know."

"You didn't exactly give me a choice now, did you?"

"Yeah, sorry. But so you know, you can trust me. If you ever want to talk about anything."

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. "I'm a boy Ness, and in case you haven't noticed, I really do _not_ enjoy talking about that stuff, so don't take it the wrong way if I don't come spilling my guts out. But I do know I can trust you and if I need you, I know where to find you."

"With Josh." I asnwered.

"Obviously" He placed his arm around me again and pulled me in a hug.

I curled up against him, my head on his chest and we both relaxed.

"You know Jake, I missed you last week, when you weren't around."

"You did? You should've called me. I would've come over."

"I know, but you were needed here too, and besides, I'm a big girl now." I yawned.

"Doesn't change a thing." Silence.

"I really hate thinking about leaving Forks someday without you." I whispered.

"Me too, I will follow if you'll let me."

"I will…"

I was dozing off against his chest, when brutally woken up by a loud rumbling sound.

The wolf was hungry.


	12. Chapter 12 Stubborn

**Chapter twelve: Stubborn**

**JPOV**

**February 28**

_Three weeks later_

I liked the fact that she had missed me, and she was so sweet when she told me, I wanted more of that. More of her seeking my attention. In order to achieve that, I had to give her space. Now I had accepted the pack leadership, I got more than enough things on my plate. First there was the alpha ceremony, in which according to old tradition, the tribe elders placed the blessing of the warrior spirit upon me. Then there were decisions to be made regarding the tribe, the pack rules, the treaty with the Cullens… And finally there was Leah. She didn't take any of my time. Me dwelling on our last conversation however took more time than I expected. It wasn't just stubbornness that kept me away, although I'm sure a big part of it was, on her side as well, I also still believed that maybe I was right about her being jealous of Ness and I was afraid that things were not as casual between us as I told myself. That scared me. I wasn't meant for her and didn't want her to get hurt again. I never considered needing her myself, it was just sex after all, but now I'm starting to question that.

Sure I missed the sex too, I was damn horny and when my sweet Ness decided to fall asleep in my lap, I had a really hard time keeping my fantasies in check. Using my own hands is a valid alternative, in which I often indulged. But while a nice hand job can bring me to release, it never brought relief. Nothing calms me the way Leah does. Did.

And I didn't want to think about what that meant.

I arranged patrolling schedules in order to avoid her, and if pack members noticed, they were smart enough to shut up about it. I once asked Seth how she was doing, but he only answered I should go over there and see for myself.

I wouldn't do that. She ran out on me, not the other way around, if she's ready to talk, she'll come to me. Or not.

Was my ego so big that I would risk losing her, whatever she means to me?

Damn women.

At last I cracked three days ago and send her a text saying I was sorry. I was. I knew she was being protective and didn't want me to get hurt by Ness. So I put my pride to rest and took the first step.

In vain.

She never answered.

And now I was angry with myself, thinking that she would come around so easily. Actually believing that maybe she wanted things back to normal again too. I took my frustration out on the engine of the car I was fixing, laying on my back beneath it, banging on the screws and pipes loudly.

Suddenly I noticed two sneakers, belonging to a person standing next to the car. Sneakers I recognized. At last. I didn't hear her entering the garage with all my noise. I slid from under the car and stood slowly, wiping my hands on a cloth, looking at her apprehensively. She didn't look warlike, more defeated. We stood there in silence, looking at each other for a long time, neither of us moving. Finally she said softly "I'm _not_ jealous". I nodded slowly and without warning she flung her arms and legs around me. I kissed her back passionately, pinning her against the car, hands groping everywhere. We didn't make it to the apartment upstairs, clothes were violently shredded and I lifted her on the trunk of the car and we fucked each others brains out. Almost literally, I didn't lock the garage, neither of us had any rational thoughts left. She was wrapped around me, scratching and biting and I came undone. I dug my fingers in her thighs, pulling her even closer as I thrust wildly into her. I felt like bursting and the orgasm that quickly followed was explosive. Unable to stay on my feet, I slid down with my back against the car and she did the same, sitting next to me, eyes closed.

"We should fight more often" I panted.

She didn't answer but from the corners of my eyes I saw a smile play across her face.

She turned a bit, leaning her shoulder against the car and looked at me.

"I'm sorry too."

"It's okay, let's forget about it."

"And I'm also sorry for what you will see next time you check a mirror" she grinned wickedly.

"What do you mean?"

"I might have marked you a bit there… and there…. and here too"

Her hand brushed my neck and I couldn't suppress a shiver.

"It will be gone by tomorrow…"

"I haven't congratulated you yet, oh alpha the great" She lifted her arms and bowed for me, but ruined the effect by watching me mockingly. The thought of Leah bowing down to someone is almost funny.

"I wanted to talk to you before I made my decision, that's why I asked you to come to the garage after the bonfire in the first place."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't know if you would be okay with me being your boss"

"Would it have mattered?"

"Dunno. We'll never know. Do you mind? Me being alpha?"

"I kind of always considered you my alpha, even before we ever… I never obeyed _his_ commands, only yours, but you knew that already, I followed you when you left back then."

"You would have followed anybody to get away from Sam."

"That's not true."

"Oh."

"So, right, I don't mind, I guess, except if you're going to get all dominant now, being the top dog and all."

"I was kinda dominant just now." I winked at her.

"Yeah, you were. That was actually pretty damn hot" she grinned.

"Want some more?"

"Get cleaned up first, I'll lock the garage, meet you in the shower."


	13. Chapter 13 New Experiences

**Chapter thirteen: New experiences**

**NPOV**

**February 28**

God I love these parent free and sister free moments. Because I loved kissing him, I could never get tired of this. We were both on our sides, his hand was in my hair, keeping me close while his tong gently stroked mine. Slowly the kissing turned more needy, lips moving together, from time to time pulling apart gasping for air. He lay on his back, pulling me halfway on top of him, not breaking the burning kiss. My right hip bone was pressed against his… bulge. I felt sexy and powerful and I had been paying attention in the past to the way his body reacted to my every touches and kisses, so I knew how to play him and I felt a little naughty today. As I placed open mouthed kisses in his neck, up to his ear, I noticed smugly how the goose bumps arose, I blew softly in his ear and I felt him shiver beneath me. My insides were twirling and I pressed my body closer against him.

"Ness…" he breathed, and it sounded like a delicious groan "what are you doing?"

"Driving you crazy?" I asked cheekily.

"I'll say!"

I smiled sweetly at him.

"You better be careful you little tease, or I might just end up groping you."

"Maybe I wouldn't mind a little groping…"

Now he did groan and closed his eyes.

"Is this another part of your drive the poor boyfriend crazy plan?"

I didn't answer but kept watching him intently as I took his hand and slowly brought it to my chest.

As soon as he realized what I was doing his eyes snapped open, but he didn't pull away. Our gaze was locked as I placed his hand on my breast. I let go of his hand, he didn't move. I gave him a little smile to let him know it was okay and he softly caressed the outline of my breast.

I slowly turned to lay on my back , pulling him with me so he was now on his side. I saw him swallowing and his gaze left mine to look at my chest where his was still massaging me ever so softly.

"I want to take your shirt off" he whispered.

He wanted to see me, which bra was I wearing? The simple black one. I guess that's all right.

I nodded, not trusting my voice, so he lowered both hands to my hips and slid them underneath my shirt, slowly moving upwards. I sat up and lifted my arms so he could remove the shirt, brushing my sides and arms with his warm hands along the way, making me shiver before I lay down again.

He got comfortable beside me, resting his head on his right hand, while the other roamed from my neck over my shoulder and down my arm.

"God, you are so beautiful" he whispered. He was my boyfriend so he was supposed to say this, but the look in his eyes made sure I didn't question his truthfulness. As heated and wild the kissing leading up to this had been, this moment right now was pure romance and intimacy, it was some sort of surrender to the one I love and trust, I didn't feel self conscious about my body, only worshipped.

His fingertips wandered over my stomach and my breasts as he kept whispering sweet things in my ears. We both knew this was as far as we would get today, and although I felt his erection against my hip and although his soft touches put my skin on fire, neither of us felt frustrated. After a while I removed his shirt as well, wanting to feel his warm skin under my hands. There were occasional kisses, but mostly we looked at each other, taking in the new view and exploring the feel of each others caresses on our bodies.

Later at home I was spread lazily on the couch reading a book. Of course I couldn't focus, my mind kept wandering back to the afternoon. Wow, second base. I was pretty pleased with myself. More than that, reliving the events without the nerves was a major turn on. The memory of his hands on my skin, the loving look in his eyes and knowing that his body wanted mine, feeling it even. It made my body come to live, tingling. I wasn't sure what it wanted, but I knew my body wanted more of him, get closer even, and maybe find out what these warm hands could do for me in different places. I bet he's an amazing lover. My book long forgotten I lost myself in daydreaming.

Until I was called back to reality by a throat being cleared.

Shit, I forgot Jasper in the other sofa, reading as well. My eyes shot up and saw his amused gaze on me.

"That must be an interesting book you got there" he said teasingly. My mortification increased even more, and I fought the urge to hide my red face behind the book.

"You totally enjoy feasting on my embarrassment do you?"

"No, not really. Since that book is clearly not helping you, care to join me on a hunt?"

"Sure" I was relieved that he didn't want to torture me any longer. He could also try to manipulate my feelings, but I never appreciated that and drowning teenage emotions was really exhausting for him. As it would not be tiring me, my feelings would be all over the place again as soon as his effect lifted. I never hunted, but I enjoyed watching them, I had enough venom in my blood to not be in any danger, and today I was sure Jasper planned on tiring me a great deal before I could go to sleep tonight. I thankfully took his hand, and he flung me onto his back running out into the woods.

Jasper was my favorite person to watch on a hunting trip. Of course they all looked magnificent, but seeing Jasper hunt was extra special. When he was in the house, or around town, he always was a little bit tense. He still had some trouble sometimes craving human blood, and being an empath also weighed on him. It made me feel guilty that I put him in an even more difficult position, but if he picked up on that he assured me not to feel guilt, most of my feelings are so pure and radiant, they are a pleasure to be around, he told me. When Jasper gave in to the hunt, all his tension seemed to wash away, and this beautiful confident and almost elegant predator surfaced. He looked absolutely glorious and I watched in awe. As soon as he brought down the deer, he ripped it's jugular and started to drain it. It was then that a delicious smell hit me. I didn't know where it came from, but it urged me forward so I followed my senses. I walked over to Jasper and the scent became stronger, mouthwatering even. I reached him and looked him in the eyes as he continued to suck and drink. Feeling my confusion he let go and whispered "Want a taste?". I was shocked, I don't drink blood, yuck!

"It's okay, just a taste won't harm anyone. You're just curious."

He was right, though, I was curious, I did want a taste. So I slowly got onto my knees and Jasper held up the deer's neck, wound exposed, blood sipping out and dripping on the ground. I lowered my head, intended to just have a quick lick, expecting a foul taste. But as soon as I swallowed it, I knew that this was the delicious scent that pulled me and I started sucking hungrily. My eyes were wide with panic, looking into his, but I couldn't stop drinking. The deer was drained and suddenly I felt disgusted with myself, I pushed it away and ran into the forest, coughing violently, trying to get rid of my stomach content. Jasper easily caught me and calmed me down. He held me to his chest while soothing me "It's alright, we knew this was coming, I have been expecting it, it's alright".

"Please don't tell anyone", I was so ashamed.

"We have to tell Bella and Edward, and they will want to talk to Carlisle."

"I don't want to change, I want to stay human, what about Josh?" I wailed, and started sobbing, overcome by the magnitude of what just happened. My life as I knew it would end.

Jasper held me close and ran back to bring me to bed, ignoring their questions. As soon as he put me down he took out his phone and called Jake to come over. He didn't say out loud why, but I'm sure dad saw enough in his mind…


	14. Chapter 14 Don't Let Go

**Chapter fourteen: Don't let go**

**JPOV**

**February 28**

I could hear in Jasper's voice that my girl needed me, so I changed, phased and ran, as hard as I could. When I entered the house after throwing on my shorts, I saw them all gathered in the living room.

I didn't stop to ask what happened, I heard her sobbing in her room and ran up the stairs to pull her into my arms. She clung to me for dear life, wailing some words I couldn't understand, and I rocked her back and forth, looking at Jasper to explain me what was going on.

"She drank from a deer that I caught."

"You gave her blood?" I asked incredulously.

"She wanted it. Her craving was instantly and so powerful. And she liked it. She's changing."

"You shouldn't have let her drink, you made her change."

"No, even if I didn't let her taste, she still wanted to and we both knew it."

"What will happen now?"

"I don't know. Carlisle believes the transformation will go really slow, so there's no need to pull her from school or change anything just yet. We'll have to wait and see. I will cancel my trip so I can be around to monitor her. Checking for bloodlust."

I relaxed somewhat.

"Okay, so we knew this was coming, right? All she ever wanted when she was little was to be a vampire. What's with the despair?"

"Josh…"

"Oh…"

I waited for her sobbing to come down, silently asking Jasper for some help, which he complied. Edward walked in and handed me a shirt, probably Emmett's, looking pointedly at the marks that were still visible on my neck and collarbone. I tried to peel Ness away from me to put it on, but she held me tighter begging me not to let her go. How could I deny her? I put the shirt down again and lay back, stroking her long hair.

"Hush girl, please stop crying. It's not so bad, it'll go slow, we'll figure something out for you and Josh."

"Like what?" she answered between remaining sobs "We can't tell him the truth. And he'll notice if my skin turns hard and cold. Even if we call it some sort of disease, to him it'll be like I'm changing into a monster. What if I get hit with this craving again and drain _him _instead of a poor deer?"

At this her crying resumed with a newfound force.

"Oh honey, we'll figure something out. I promise..."

After a long time she finally pulled herself together. Jasper excused himself, looking consumed, leaving us alone on her bed. My arms settled lightly around this fragile girl on top of me, her breath traced over my bare chest. I thought she might fall asleep, so I tried not to move. Downstairs I heard the piano playing a soft lullaby, probably Edward's way of letting me know he was keeping a eye on my mind. I had nothing to hide, my lady in distress did not make me crave to take her. Not more than other times anyway. Although I was quite enjoying the feeling of her against my skin. In a non sexual way, I hurriedly added, when I heard the piano tune falter.

"I'm sorry I overreacted this way." She breathed softly.

"You didn't overreact. This is the first step of something huge. It's okay to feel confused. Just don't think it will all be bad, you used to want this, to be like your family."

"I wanted to be a wolf too, remember? I was really upset when you told me I couldn't." she mesmerized.

"Yeah, you were" I smiled. After a few minutes of comfortable silence I got curious.

"So how was it?"

"Hmm?"

"The blood."

"Hard to explain. Like nothing I ever tasted before. Good though. I couldn't stop…"

"How did you know you wanted it? You hated the taste when you were little."

"I didn't know exactly. It was a smell and it pulled me…"

"Hard?"

"Yeah… It's not like I was craving to drink it with every fiber of my being, it just was there and I had to have it, that was all, I really had no choice in it and didn't think about it. Maybe it would have turned in an unbearable burning if I had tried to fight it, but I didn't."

"That's a bit scary, having absolutely no control."

"I know… Are you still gonna like me if I turn into your natural enemy?" Like her? Now that's an understatement!

"Of course.. forever." Although I would miss her sweet scent, warm skin and blushing cheeks…

"Good."

"Humans don't normally smell blood. Have your senses been uplifted?"

"I don't think so. You still don't smell like dog to me," she teased me while nuzzling my skin. Hmmm…

"I could try harder," I shot back.

"Nah, no need." She chuckled.

"You don't smell like leech to me either," nice excuse to take a long whiff of her scent.

We bantered a bit back and forth, I could feel she was getting tired. She absentmindedly traced her fingertips over my chest, but I put my big hand over hers to keep it still before my skin would show any reaction to her touch. She looked up at my face, and then saw the marks. Damn, forgot about those.

Her eyes grew in understanding, and I quickly put my finger on her lips to keep her from saying anything that vampires had no business with. She understood and said nonchalantly:

"So the fight between the two wolves, has it been reconciled?"

"I think so yes" I answered with a small grin.

She looked as though she really wanted to tell me something too, but didn't know how, without the entire house knowing. Anyway she would code it, as soon as I understood, Edward would know too.

"Tell me tomorrow." I winked at her.

"Okay" she yawned and rested her head back on my chest.

"Will you stay with me tonight?"

Fuck. Do I want to hold her all through the night? Hell yes! Cross my heart and hope to die - yes!

But I can't…

It would be torture to me, and to any dad listening to my thoughts, and it would actually not be fair on Josh either, if I would hold his sleeping girlfriend tonight. Even if she only sees me in a brotherly way, I still want her as a woman. Damn. Why do I always have to be the nice guy?

"I have to go talk to Carlisle now, you sleep, I'll stay in the house in case you need me."

"Mmm. Kay." She was already drifting off so I slid from under her and covered her with the blanket.

I walked down the stairs on my way outside to bang my head against a three, hearing Edward mutter "Thank you".


	15. Chapter 15 Awakening

**Chapter fifteen: Awakenings**

**NPOV**

**February 29**

Waking up slowly, my eyes were puffy, and it took me a minute to realize why. I had a lot of questions, but I doubted if I would get them answered. I figured if anyone could find out, it would probably be Carlisle. His research skills and phenomenal memory are unequalled. There was only one question that kept playing in my mind: How can we stop this? I wished there was a way I could stay human.

My stomach growled and I was relieved to find myself longing when I imagined bacon and eggs. Knowing that soon enough human food would repulse me, I decided to enjoy every meal from now on. Starting with breakfast.

Everybody was waiting downstairs, looking at me as if they were expecting to see me coming down a vampire already. Maybe I did look different.

"See any changes yet?"

"No," Carlisle reassured me "I do have a lot of questions for you, but we will let you eat first, your stomach is rather noisy."

After an elaborate meal which I savored as if it were my last, we had a long discussion, about things to consider and to expect. We agreed to start daily monitoring my heart rate, temperature, vision, hearing, smell and taste sense in some sort of log book. We would also measure sleep hours, appetite, speed and strength. After some disputing I also agreed to join them on occasional hunting trips and consume some blood whenever I felt like it, to minimize the chances of me attacking humans. Apparently Jake had foreseen some issues I hadn't thought about. The treaty forbid me to go to LaPush as soon as I became a vampire. But since he was now the alpha wolf, he got the elders permission to lift the treaty entirely. It had been loosened up after the battle where wolves and vampires fought side by side, but now finally the borderline was erased and both parties were allowed to go wherever they wished on each others land.

Carlisle also wanted Jasper to keep a close watch on me and interfere in case bloodlust hit me. At first I figured it made sense, until the consequences became clear to me. It would mean he had to be within empath radius from me whenever I interacted with humans, including Josh. I imagined him picking up on both of our feelings every single time we were together. I looked at Jasper in agony, and saw him staring back at me, mortified.

"I thought the bloodlust would grow gradually. She could inform us if the first signs appear," he protested.

"Would you really take that high of a risk because of your own discomfort?" dad said.

He probably thought that Jasper's presence would be a good motive for me and Josh to behave. He continued "And is draining a deer not a sign to you? What if Josh gets a paper cut?"

I saw Jasper flinch, that was a low blow.

"Alice could monitor his future?" he tried, already knowing he'd lost.

"I can't see her, Jazz. And if she would drain him, his future would only disappear the moment she decides to bite, which is way too late. And I can't monitor the entire school population either."

"I can't even bite through human skin."

"You will, honey, and you'll want to," Esme said compassionately.

"Dad was alone with mom when she was still human," another futile try.

"Yes dear, " mom replied "but that was very dangerous, and he had practiced almost a hundred years in controlling the thirst."

I can't believe everybody thought this was a good idea. I could handle all the measuring, but I would have no more privacy what so ever. And I couldn't even tell Josh we were being "monitored".

My human life might as well end right now.

"I'm sorry Ness," Carlisle concluded "this is unfair, I know. But if you hurt him, how would you live an eternity with that? I'm sure Jasper will be discrete regarding your privacy, and he will live, he survived Emmett and Rose, and your parents as well."

"Too much information!"

"I could run from them," Jasper muttered.

"I sure hope Ness and Josh won't be as bad as Emmett and Rose!" dad exclaimed, a little shocked at the comparison Carlisle just made.

"Could we please change the subject already!!!" I would die of embarrassment if anyone made another comment on my non-existing sex life. "God I wish I could stay human" Tears started flowing again.

"And grow old and die? You'll think again, sis, being a vampire rocks!". For Emmett life was simple of course.

"Maybe growing old is not so bad…"

"You would give up eternity for him?" Alice asked.

"I don't know. No point in thinking about that is there? I will never have the chance." More tears.

Damnit. No more leaking would be an advantage of becoming a vampire. I should probably monitor tear volumes as well, I thought sarcastically.

"Well," Rose said "I've talked about this with Carlisle last night, and instead of going to Asia, me and Emmett will seek out the hybrids in the Amazon to find out if there is maybe a way of stopping the change. I know I would have forsaken eternity to have a full human life…" I knew she meant babies.

"Thank you, Rose."

"I don't know if we will find something, and if you should go for it if we actually do. But we need to try and you deserve a choice. I never had that."

I was only afraid that, even if they did find a way, it would be too late. If only we had researched this earlier. But I only recently wanted the choice. If anything, any earlier research would've been aimed at speeding up the process.

I needed some time to wrap my head around all the new information, and took a walk outside. I figured Jake would follow me, he had been awfully quiet during the discussion, I am sure he did have something to say about all this. Perhaps the whole vampire thing became too real for him, could we still be best friends, while being natural enemies? We said we would, but some forces are more powerful than what we want. Like imprinting. Oh, maybe the imprint has lifted as soon as the transformation started. I did need him right now, and he didn't follow me… That would be horrible. Or maybe not so bad. He could still be with me if he wanted to, but would be free to build his life with Leah as well. And she would want him, without the imprint burden.  
The only problem in that reasoning is that maybe he did not want to be friends with a vampire…

I feel a presence and look around, Jasper is leaning against a tree.

"Looks like you and me are going to be _really_ close friends from now on."

"Yeah. Don't get this wrong Jazz, I really like you, but I kinda felt like it was a good thing you would be in Asia for a while."

"Me too. We keep embarrassing each other and that won't be ending anytime soon."

I groaned and closed my eyes. He stepped closer and sat besides me, arms around his knees.

"Listen, one more awkward conversation before we both agree not to speak about these private things again."

"Shoot."

"As your dad said, you won't be causing me any pain, just some discomfort… at times, I'm sure. But you don't have to worry. Vampires are worse, especially Emmett, I live in a house full of vampires and I can't hunt every night , so… I'll live. I expect to feel mostly love and probably a lot of lust too. I won't know anything more, I don't read minds."

"You better expect some frustration as well, 'cause we haven't…"

"Right, frustration, that one is tougher, but still, there are worse things, for instance sadness, hate, anger, guilt… Frustration is not so bad. You're just going to have to learn how to pretend I'm not there. I don't want you to miss out on human experiences while you still can. But don't rush things 'cause time is running out either."

"Alright dad." I rolled my eyes, but smiled at him thankfully for being sincere and wanting to minimize this.

"You better be glad your dad is not monitoring any thoughts."

"He wouldn't!"

"I can keep watch." He winked and I felt a little cheered up. Not much though.

"I'm sorry I let you drink it. Maybe I sped up the process."

"No Jazz, don't be, I wanted to, you must've felt it. I guess I got caught up in watching you hunt, waking the predator in me."

"Yes, I am quite a sight in hunter mode" he replied dryly.

I laughed out loud. This was a sample of Jasper's great humor, the ever modest vampire pretending to be full of himself.

"Glad to see you smiling again" a deep voice behind us said.

I turned around and gave him a brilliant smile, relieved that he still wanted to be with me.

"I've been expecting you." This made his smile break through as well.

"I was negotiating with your family about the babysit service. Since wolves are in no danger of getting drained, you are allowed to spend time with wolves without supervision. Contact with LaPush humans, or any humans actually, is allowed without chaperone only when I am near you, that is in the same room as you, since I can't read your feelings and can only interfere when you actually try to bite."

So I could have some privacy in LaPush then. Thank goodness.

"Thanks Jake."

"Yeah thanks," Jasper added, patting Jake on the back as he stood up to go back to the house.

I waited until he was beyond hearing distance.

"Can't you take over monitoring when I'm with Josh as well? I really don't want Jasper inside our heads all the time."

"Sorry, no can do. Unless you want me in the same room with both of you?"

Ugh. "No thanks" I answered pointedly. He chuckled.

"Thought so. Now tell me what you've been up to with Josh yesterday."

"You mean around the time you got yourself covered in hickies?"

"Yes, around that time" he laughed.


	16. Chapter 16 Don't Speak

**Chapter sixteen: Don't speak**

**JPOV**

**March 1**

I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, no sleep within sight.

My girl is changing…

Growing up so to speak.

In more than one regard.

Second base.

I had imagined his hands on her body before, dreading, but knowing now that they have been made a world of difference. Thinking of his fingers tracing her soft breasts made me want to growl possessively. Chop off his fingers one by one. It doesn't matter that I am a gentle person. It doesn't matter that she really wanted him to touch her.  
Incorrect. Of course it matters.

Mostly my growls were of a jealous nature. What I wouldn't give to caress her like that. Even if it wasn't sexually. Just getting to know every inch of her body, pleasing every inch of her body. These thoughts definitely were sexual. I was god damn horny and fantasizing about how soft her flesh would feel, how touching her pink nipples would make her shiver. How I would trail kisses over her chest, my lips grazing over her warm breasts, tongue lightly tickling them, and how she would sigh my name. My hand went under the covers, stroking my boner through my boxers, before I changed my mind and got up, no point in wasting a perfectly good hard on when a certain female would surely know how to appreciate it.

She opened her door, looking a little annoyed. "Should've called Jake, what if I had somebody with me?"

"Oh" was all I could manage, she slept with other men as well? I hesitated in the doorway.

"Don't be silly, there's no one here" she said, grabbing me by the shirt and pulling me in "just call first, alright."

"Sure sure" I replied, following her upstairs, taking in her luscious forms.

Since she was not entirely in the mood, I chose to warm her up first, stroking her body up and down, approaching her core, but never directly touching her.

"What are you doing? Stop teasing and take me already" she commanded, trying to sit up.  
Nope, not in a good mood.  
Leah didn't need to be all happy for a good fuck, but I wanted her to be nice this time.

"Shut up and relax" I countered, pushing her down again.

She sighed but complied, as I continued to play her body. I kissed her all over, something we hardly ever do, too sweet for tough Leah I guess. Still, I felt her giving in to my touch, she couldn't hide the shivers. I massaged her breast, lowering my mouth and tongue over her stomach to her hips and thighs. Her breaths became heavier. When she started to lift her bottom from the bed, pushing herself closer to my lips, I stopped teasing her and spread her knees, kissing her wet core. I lapped softly over her sensitive clit, encouraged by soft moans and gasps, gradually increasing pressure and pace, as my hands continued to caress her chest and legs. She laced her fingers in my hear, urging me on even more. I was driving her crazy and liking it.  
She surrendered to my licking and sucking, moving her hips against my mouth. I pushed two fingers inside of her, and curled them upwards while moving in and out. Her pants and moans became louder and I knew her release was close. Keeping the fast rhythm of my tongue and fingers steady, she came, crying my name. That pleased me to no end, and made me want her to no end.  
As she rode the waves of her orgasm, I crawled over her and pushed myself inside. We both gasped at the feeling, and started moving our hips in sync. I thrust into her slowly but deeply, making sure she felt every inch of me. She never stopped moaning and soon her second orgasm washed over her. She looked absolutely beautiful, I kissed her neck and caressed her body as my pace increased. My moves became more desperate and erratic, I passed the point of no return. Convulsing inside of her, I nuzzled my head in her neck and whispered "I love you".

"Damnit Jacob!" Brutally she pushed me off of her cursing under her breath. "What do you think you are doing? Get the fuck out! NOW!". Angry tears started to stain her cheeks, I knew trying to comfort her or explain would make things worse. I wouldn't even know what to say. That I didn't mean it? That was thinking about Ness? I wasn't…

I only wanted to get out as quickly as I could, so she didn't need to convince me. I grabbed my clothes and hopped down the stairs pulling them on.

I drove my car home, my mind blank, turned the engine off and refrained myself from trashing the steering wheel.

Fuck fuck fuck. FUCK!

This was wrong to no end. I knew something felt different. I hadn't fucked her, I had made love to her.

So so wrong.

I didn't want to think about what happened, about hurting her, which I obviously had, and maybe even hurting myself. About betraying my imprint like that…

I knew it was harder to do for wolves, but I would get drunk right now, and fast.

And I am going to do what every real man does after he realizes he might have messed up big time: ignore ignore ignore.


	17. Chapter 17 New Routine

**Chapter seventeen: New routine**

**NPOV**

**March 6**

_Five days later_

I was slowly getting used to all the new aspects of my life, the daily measuring, the blood drinking, having a babysit… Jasper drove me to school every day and picked me back up, in the mean time he drove around the block to park within empath radius and read books all day. On Tuesday Alice had kept him company out of pity, but being locked in a car for hours in a row with happy chatting Alice was worse than getting bored, he confessed. I told everybody, including Josh, that I needed Jasper's rides because my car was broken. Nobody asked further questions.

My favorite car mechanic was strikingly absent. I found it thoughtful that he managed to get permission to supervise me without Jasper, and figured he still wanted my company. Now, I'm not so sure. I am becoming more and more certain that the imprint had lifted ever since I drank the blood. And I convinced myself that this was not a bad thing. We could be friends without the binding force, it would be more natural. And Leah would have no more reason to be dubious. I promised myself I would let him have some space, and seek me out himself. But this plan was starting to backfire against me. He hasn't called or dropped by in five days, and I was getting scared.

Josh, on the other hand, was really sweet. I told him some things were going on in the family, things I'd rather not talk about but that would occupy me now and then, and he was totally understanding. I was such a lucky girl. Most Wednesday afternoons, we would do homework together. Since both his parents work full time, and his little sister spend Wednesday afternoons with his grandmother, this "homework" would, since we started dating, usually turn into hot making out. I was contemplating if I could stil go now, with Jasper babysitting, or if I should let the poor vampire have some free time. But when Josh asked me if homework was still on, with a dazzling look in his eyes, I just had to say yes. We ended up in a tangled mess on his bed, kissing passionately. We were both clothed, but our hands were reaching under shirts to feel as much skin as possible. I wanted to get lost in his touch and kisses, but I was painfully aware of Jasper's empathy the entire time, and it was bugging me big time.

Around five, the time his parents were making their way home, we detangled ourselves and finally took out our homework to display it across his desk. In the years we were friends, I got to know his parents and little sister, and I got along with them well. I was invited for diner, which I gladly accepted after texting Jasper to get permission. At home I always have to eat alone, now Jake decided not to show up anymore. After dinner, we sat on the front porch for some time, while we waited for Jasper to pick me up. When his car reached the house, Josh pulled me in for a quick soft kiss, and whispered in my ear "You were so hot this afternoon, I'm going to dream about you before I go to sleep tonight". This made the butterflies in my stomach flutter, but my face flushed bright red, as I was sure vampire ears had understood him perfectly. Jasper kept his poker face, and I got in the car hiding behind my long hair.

As soon as the car pulled away, he started laughing out loud. Which normally is a great sound, Jasper is not the laughing out loud kind of guy. But now it made me want to die even more.

"Shut up and drive!"

"Oh come on, you have to admit that was so funny! Later you're gonna laugh about this too."

"Yea, well, don't see me laughing now, do you?"

"Relax Ness. I won't tell anyone."

"It's embarrassing enough that you heard."

"Get used to it already. I am going to be aware of your entire sex life, whether you like it or not, and you just have to get over it."

"Easier said than done" I muttered.

"True, but you'll learn. The Cullens have learned the same, getting used to me knowing their every feeling, and Edward knowing their every thought. Which is actually worse, your praise yourself and your shield."

I scowled at him, but I knew he had a point.

"Listen, let me tell you what I felt. Sure there was lust, from both of you". I glared at him again. "Wait, let me finish. Lust was not the most dominant feeling. The most overpowering feeling I got from him was love. He is _so_ much in love with you and cares about you a great deal." I smiled at that.

"But… _your_ most superior feeling this afternoon, above lust and love, was discomfort and embarrassment. Over me. You can't do that. He deserves your full attention, and if you are going to hold back on the love you feel for him, he's going to notice and get insecure." I sighed. He was right.

"Just try harder, okay. Forget about me."

As we approached the house, Jasper shot a questioning look at me.

"What is this new feeling? Hope?"

"You feel that? I'm trying not to get my hopes up… I know he won't be there."

"You miss him, don't you?"

"Well, yeah…"

"I don't know what's gotten into him. Must be having a hard time at the rez with his new pack and all, to not be around you all the time."

"Probably. Wish he would call me though."

"You could call him?"

"Nah. Don't want to sound like the needy depending kid."

"Want me to help you with the measuring tonight?"

"Aren't you sick of me yet?"

"Not yet no," he smiled "I'll save my hunting for bedtime, in case you want to dream before you go to sleep as well. Ouch!"

"You can help me with the log book, but one more word about this afternoon and I'm done talking to you. You're really not helping with the comfortable thing."

"Sorry," he grinned, "I'll try harder too."


	18. Chapter 18 Break Up

**Chapter eighteen: Breakup**

**JPOV**

**March 6**

Ever since that night with Leah, where I ruined everything and betrayed my imprint, I haven't really spoken to anybody. No more than necessary that is. I spoke to customers in the garage and arranged patrolling schedules with Paul and Jared, so that I didn't have to phase for a while. They looked at my sleep deprived face, and knew better than to ask questions. I had no idea how Leah was doing, and no intention to find out.

Instead, I jumped full force into my work, day and night. I even managed to start some projects that had been laying around for years now. For instance to repair and renew my old rabbit, which I could not part from, for sentimental reasons. The work was therapeutic in some way, it didn't make me feel better, but it kept the worst away so I could continue with ignoring my life.

Staying away from Ness was actually becoming painful, literally. I felt that she needed me, in all the distress of her changing, and it pulled me with a force I could hardly stand. But to look her in the eyes right now, after what I had done, was even more unbearable. I was so ashamed. I never felt like I betrayed her when I was fucking Leah, but now things were different. Now I was in love with Leah.

Wait a minute, what was that???

Never mind, back to work. As long as I pretend it doesn't exist, then it doesn't.

After five days of hardly sleeping or eating, just enough to keep working like crazy, a brave visitor was entering my solitary hideout. I admired her courage for taking the first step and coming to my place. But then again, she always was the strong one.

"We need to talk" she said, standing in my garage, looking as reluctant to talk as I was. I took in her appearance, similar bags under her eyes, and nodded slowly. I washed my greasy hands, and went upstairs. Mostly when she followed me up these same stairs, we would be tossing clothes. No such thing now. It put on some coffee and sat at the kitchen table. No point getting comfortable in a couch when you know what is to come will not be comfortable. At all. She sat down on the other side and repeated "we need to talk". I pulled my hands through my hair and lifted my head to look at her.

"Leah, I really don't know what to say."

"I think… we shouldn't see each other anymore," she said softly.

She was breaking up with me. But I had absolutely no right to see it that way.

I was silent for a while, got up and poured two cups of coffee, milk and two sugars for me, black for her.

"I'm really sorry if I hurt you, Leah."

"You didn't hurt me. I hurt me. I let myself…" She looked down at her hands, lightly shaking her head.

Let herself what? Love me?

"Perhaps it's normal if two people share a connection for nine years, that they end up caring for each other," I suggested carefully.

"Perhaps. That's why it has to stop."

All of the sudden I realized I didn't want to stop seeing her. And I hated to feel that way.

"Maybe it doesn't have to, if we would just…"

"Please Jacob, you're making this harder."

"What harder? If it's hard for you to say goodbye to me, then why are you?" I almost pleaded.

"You can't mess with me like that. We both know you belong to her…"

"She doesn't love me."

"But you love her."

"Yes."

"Can't you see what you're doing to me? I tried really hard not to get attached, and then you go and tell me you love me. I don't think you realize the effect you have over me. And please don't look at me like that. It just makes me want to make you near me always."

I swallowed hard.

"Do you love me?"

"I don't know. And it doesn't matter either."

"It matters to me..." I whispered.

She took a long time to contemplate her words.

"I think I am falling for you, yes. Or maybe I have a long time ago. But it's not okay anymore. Nine years ago there was no chance for me to fall for anybody. And having someone to turn to for sex was great. But now… I don't know. I want to be happy again, I want somebody that is just for me, I want a family… And you are so wonderful, but you can't give me that. And as long as I let you have this spell over me, I can't move on." Tears streamed down her face.

"Leah, I had no idea you felt like that. Now I feel like a total bastard using you."

"No it's not like that. We both needed each other, for different reasons. But now it has to end. I can't…"

She was sobbing now, so I stood up and pulled her into an embrace. I had been selfish. Being obsessed with Ness and not seeing what I was doing to Leah. She made it hard for anyone to look inside, but I should have seen it. She had been making love to me for a long time…

Maybe years.

I had to let her go. Give her a chance to get over me and find someone. Be happy.

This really was goodbye. My eyes were tearing up as well. How can finding out you both are in love be the end of a relationship? It makes no sense. But it is real. I crushed her against me, knowing she could handle wolf power. I didn't want to let go. Couldn't be alone tonight. But I wouldn't ask her to stay.

At last she looked up at me, and she asked "Once more?"

I agreed instantly "Once more."

This wasn't angry break up sex, it was heartbreakingly sad. We both cried while our bodies molded into each other, we fitted so perfectly. We moved ever so slowly, not wanting it to ever end. After hours of making love, we were exhausted, our entire bodies burning and aching, so we let go. Giving in, one last time. I didn't bother to clean up, and kept her close against my chest.

"Please stay tonight and hold me."

"Okay Jacob. Say it, one last time and then never again."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

We held each other painfully tight and cried ourselves to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19 Forgetting

**Chapter nineteen: Forgetting**

**NOPV**

**April 3**

_Four weeks later_

After draining the elk to the last drop, me and Carlisle continued to talk about the progress that we measured so far. I was really relieved that the transformation took it's time, I wanted to finish high school without problems. My skin still felt the same, and no sparkling yet, but my temperature had dropped half a degree. My speed and strength had improved, but I believed the daily testing had just boosted my stamina. As for my senses, they were all a bit higher than they had been that first day, but I couldn't notice the difference in day to day life. I drank blood regularly, so there was still no sign of bloodlust, thank god, and Josh still smelled delicious to me but not eatable.

Emmett and Rose hadn't found anything yet during their Amazon research, but Rose wasn't ready to give up and I was thankful for that. I wasn't ready to give up on my human life either.

Me and Jasper became really close. I could say that nowadays he was my best friend. I didn't want to think about my former best friend, who, as it seems, never was my friend at all. Just someone who used to be bound to me by some force of nature, that was now broken. After the first week, I did try to call him a couple of times. He told me he was needed at the rez, being the new alpha, which was a great explanation why he wasn't here, but he never invited me over. I had asked him casually about how his "friend" Leah was doing. He answered they weren't "friends" anymore and that he didn't want to talk about it. It was clear that it was none of my business now we weren't friends anymore either. I cried a lot those days, remembering all the good times we had shared when I was growing up, and realizing it was all fake, he never really liked me for me. After the second week, he appeared on our doorstep holding a spare helmet, asking me on a pick nick. He was different than he used to be, and when he mentioned that Edward had told him I missed him, I felt so humiliated. Angry with myself believing that he changed his mind and wanted to spend time with me, and angry with dad, that he would go to Jake and tell him to take pity on poor little me. I didn't call him again after that, and neither did he. Slowly, the person that I mistakably thought was my friend was fading from my mind, and I was enjoying my relationship with Josh and my deepened friendship with Jasper.

I had become better at forgetting about his monitoring. Which took some getting used to on Wednesdays and occasional Sundays when Josh's parents were out of town without him. They probably knew the homework load was not that heavy, but they let us have some privacy. If only they knew that there was no such thing as privacy in the life of Nessie Cullen.

Last week, our relationship took another step forward. We were both really turned on, kissing deeply, groping each other. Josh's hips were pushing against me, I could feel his hard on poking my thigh as he tried desperately to create some friction. He was driving me crazy as well with his humping, but I didn't know what to do. I felt sorry for him, seeing the pained expression on his face as he fell back on the bed, panting and obviously frustrated. Carefully I lowered my hand to his jeans and placed it over his erection, that was clearly visible. He didn't open his eyes, brows furrowed, but he gasped and bucked his hips against my hand, in need of more. So I complied, I moved my hand, rubbing him through his jeans, his moans touching me deeply and turning me on even more. Encouraged by his enthusiasm, I opened his button and unzipped his pants. As I tried to lower them over his hips, he was helpful enough. I looked down and saw his penis twitch behind the boxers, a wet spot visible near the top. I hesitated for a second, and Josh whispered "You don't have to do this." But his eyes said please please don't stop.

"I want to, but I don't know what to do. Show me," I pleaded.

"You sure?"

I nodded, my mind made up, taking his hand and placing it over mine. He lowered his boxers and placed my fingers softly around his shaft. He sighed and his head fell back in the pillow. Slowly he moved my hand up and down, while his other hand reached over to his night stand to grab some tissues, moving his shirt up his chest.

"God, you feel so good" he breathed and let go of my hand. I panicked a little, not knowing if I should continue and maintain the same speed and pressure. But his moans and pants told me he was perfectly fine right now so no need to change anything.

And then, all of the sudden, he came. Just like that. I thought we had just started. I was used to having to work hard to achieve an orgasm myself, apparently my hands worked better for Josh, I concluded pleased. He quickly wiped away the mess, tossing the tissues on the floor next to the bed, pulling up his pants again. I noticed relieved that none of it had landed on my hand. He pulled me close, whispering in my ear "thank you". "My pleasure," I grinned. It truly was a pleasure, being able to do that for him. "Want me to help you?" he asked, and it took me a couple of seconds to realize what he meant. I wasn't ready for that, and he understood. I would have to take care of myself later.

I knew then that things would go a lot faster for us now. And I wanted them to move forward, I couldn't wait to make him feel like that again, and maybe even letting him touch me that way. And I found myself fantasizing more and more about making love to him, feeling him closer than ever. But I was also perfectly aware of my total ignorance on the matters at hand.

He wouldn't be able to guide me through everything, as he was a virgin as well.

So I did what I wouldn't have held possible a few months ago, I asked Jasper for advice.

There was no point in hiding that me and the boyfriend had stepped into new territory, he could feel Josh's frustration followed by satisfaction and he felt my nerves and followed by delight. Growing closer, me and Jasper were more comfortable around each other, and he treated me like a grown up, so I felt okay in asking him.

"Well, everybody is different, and we all like different things." He answered hesitantly.

"Not helping."

"Right." He thought for a long while, and then said that he would wait for mindreading dad to go on a hunt and then search the internet for some realistic and helpful sites and send me the links, which he did. And they were helpful.

Even if I hadn't had a chance to put my new knowledge to use, Josh's parents stayed at home this weekend, I felt more confident now, knowing the basics.


	20. Chapter 20 Despair

**Chapter twenty: Despair**

**JPOV**

**April 10**

_Four weeks later_

I have never felt more miserable in my entire life. Not even when Bella married Edward. I felt like all happiness I ever had, was sipping through my fingers and that I had somehow caused that.

I couldn't stand both heartaches at the same time. Losing Leah and seeing Ness with Josh. So I stayed away from her. And I convinced myself she was better off this way, already the pull of her needing me was fading. She was happy with her family and Josh and I was no sunshine what so ever, anyway.

At first I thought that she would call me if she needed me. She knew for sure I would come over as soon as she asked, but she never did. After the second week, I got a visit from an angry vampire, asking me why I was hurting his daughter. He had been sure I was staying away because I had something to hide from him. It wasn't him I was avoiding. After reading my mind, he understood. Yet he found no reason for me to stay away from Ness. I didn't belong to her yet so she didn't need me to be faithful, yet. I thought differently. He told me to suck it up anyway, because she missed me terribly. I didn't really believe him, but father knows best right? So I took her out on a pick nick, and tried to be sunshine Jake. When I wanted to ask her if it was true that she had missed me, se suddenly closed herself off, and wouldn't tell me why. I was surprised by her sadness, and for the first time in my life, I wasn't able to cheer her up. She asked me to bring her back, and Jasper immediately rushed to her, casting me an annoyed glance. They left to hunt without a goodbye, while she shot Edward a glare as well.

What did I do? I mentally asked him.

He shrugged and rolled his eyes "Teenagers". I learned that she and Jasper had become inseparable, and it stung me deeply that I had been replaced. But I was also glad that the empath was looking after her. It was clear to me then that I needed to get my act together, before I could be a positive part of her life again.

I needed to get Leah out of my system.

Which was surprisingly hard to do. Forgetting about someone who I thought was just a fuck buddy.

I had started phasing again, carefully guarding my thoughts. All they knew was that I was unhappy. The reason I needed to phase was to keep an eye on Leah through the other's minds, she hadn't phased yet herself. To see if she was okay, I told myself. But in reality I wanted to check if she was seeing anyone already. It was really not fair of me, and totally selfish, but I was relieved that she was alone. I didn't want her to be lonely, I wanted her to be happy, I truly did, just… not yet.

More and more I found myself wondering if I had completely misunderstood the imprint, and pushed myself into falling in love with Ness because I just expected to become her lover. What if she will forever need me to be just her friend, a friend with whom she will never have a relationship? What if she needs me to be a friend that has a family of his own?

Maybe I was just trying to figure out a way to create room for Leah in my future. I didn't know anymore.

Leah wouldn't go for it anyway. Be my unintended. If one day things would change and Ness would need her true love, then I would be a goner. But stepping into a relationship, you never know if it will eventually be forever, right? It's about taking the risk and putting you heart out there. Would Leah not take the risk, now she loved me already? Probably not.

Would I? Could I create a family with Leah, knowing that my imprint could take me away from them in the blink of an eye, and knowing that Leah would never recover? It would not be fair. Unbelievingly selfish. Even if the imprint was never meant to change into love, there was always a chance and I would wait for Ness.

And the days passed…

Again and again I felt my heart breaking for both women I loved.

I went to my father's grave, asking him for advice. How did things get to this point? Where did I go wrong? What am I supposed to do? Some alpha I am.

I ended up a sobbing mess on the dirt. Until somebody called my sister Rachel and she brought me home, fixed me dinner and put me to bed.


	21. Chapter 21 Unexpected

**Chapter twenty one: Unexpected **

**NPOV**

**April 10**

I had looked forward to Wednesday afternoon, and had been fantasizing all day about pleasing Josh. After lunch Jasper drove me to town, teasing me about my horny anticipation. I hadn't planned on getting any myself, I just wanted to try some things I saw on that website, and thinking about his flustered panting body made me horny indeed. I didn't tell Jasper I was considering a blow job, but he knew I was nervously considering something, as he said "good luck" when I got out of the car.

I stuck out my tongue and he drove off chuckling.

I didn't get to execute my plan, as Josh's dad decided to show up half an hour later, mid-kiss, luckily nothing more, and he needed Josh to help him move stuff in the backyard. I tried not to sulk and offered my help. I knew I was strong enough, but they said it was a man's job, so I called Jasper to pick me up. He laughed at my annoyed expression.

"Patience dear, is a nice virtue."

"Says the two hundred year old vampire."

"Next time I'll ask Alice to monitor his parents."

"Sure sure."

Homework was then rescheduled to Thursday, unfortunately his parents were home, so we were forced to do some actual homework. The bedroom door stayed closed, as his sister was off swimming, but his parents could step in any moment. We figured we would hear them coming on the stairs and engaged in some heavy kissing anyway, both of us trying to stay as quiet as possible. He sat on his desk chair and I straddled his lap, facing him, ready to jump off any moment. As the kiss deepened, he pushed his hips up against me. This made me a bit reckless, and I moved back somewhat, so I could rub his bulge through his pants. His eyes rolled back, and he laced his fingers in my hair, pulling me deeper into the kiss. My other hand traced down his chest as well, to his button and zipper, and freed his erection. His eyes were wide now, but he didn't stop me, and then continued kissing me passionately. We would have to be really fast in hiding all evidence if someone came up the stairs.  
"Wait" he whispered, and reached in his bottom drawer, took out a condom and disposed the wrap in the bin. He expertly rolled it down his shaft and winked "less messy". I understood and placed my hand around the sticky condom while I resumed kissing him. The lube on the condom apparently created a nice friction, every time I squeezed my hand over the head he would gasp into my mouth.

The stress of getting caught made sure it took him a little longer now to come. He would break the kiss to beg for more, softly breathing "harder please" or "a little faster, I'm close". He came with a loud grunt and I hushed him, listening carefully to all noises in the house. Relieved, we disposed the now filled condom, fixed our clothes and wiped our sticky hands on some tissue. I loved that grinning blushing face.  
He hugged me close, and whispered "I can't wait to do that for you".  
"Soon my dear" I reassured him.

When I stepped into the car later that night, grinning, Jasper said "naughty girl" and I grinned even wider.

Friday night was movie night at the Cullens, and tonight Esme got to pick the movie. Under loud protest she choose Dirty Dancing, again, but she was allowed to, once a year, so the vampires gave in. The movie had hardly started when my phone buzzed and I was surprised to see Rachel's number on the screen.

"Hello Rachel?"

"Nessie? Are you busy now?"

"No, not really" I was not a Patrick Swayze fan.

"Could you come over here? Jake needs you."

"What's wrong? Is he hurt?"

"Not physically no. He would probably be really mad at me if he knew I was calling you."

"Then why did you? I don't think he wants me there."

"He needs you, believe me, he's hurting and I don't know what else to do. Please?"

"Okay, I'm on my way."

I convinced Jasper to let me go alone, and drove to LaPush, worried sick.

When I arrived, Rachel led me upstairs and into his bedroom, saying she found him like this on Billy's grave. He lay on his bed, under the covers, his shoulders slightly shaking with what seemed to be sobs. I hesitated a second, but then figured this was Jake, my sunshine, and whether he wanted me there or not, I would not let him be unhappy alone. So I did what he had done many times for me, whenever I was crying, and crawled under the covers, holding him.

His sobs stopped as he looked at me surprised.

"Ness? Is that you? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for you and no matter what you say, I'm not going anywhere."

He crushed me against his chest, burying his face in my hair.

We lay like that for the longest time, I didn't know what to say, didn't know what was wrong.

He had not tried to send me away, which I took as a good sign.

Feeling his strong arms around me, wolf warm, and smelling his familiar aroma, I realized just how much I had missed him, everything about him. There was no doubt that he was still my best friend in the world, no matter how much I liked Jasper, this was _my_ Jake. I was filled up with affection for this man that for some reason was hurt.

"I missed you," I said.

"Oh God Ness, I missed you too, so much" he instantly replied, voice still thick with tears.

"You missed me??? But then why did you try to push me away?" I had to know, it can't happen again.

"You think that's what I did? I would never want to push you away. But I see why you should think that, maybe I have acted like that. I'm sorry."

"Why did you? What's wrong?". He thought about his answer and then said:

"I was struggling with myself and didn't want to bother you with that. I figured if I could pull myself together, I could be your sunshine again."

"That's so stupid. You don't have to be a sun all of the time. I want you to be yourself and trust me."

"You are not supposed to be the one comforting me, not supposed to see me like this."

"I don't agree. You saw me like this lots of times. Friendship works both ways, right? Maybe imprinting does not, but I want to be your friend too."

"Don't be offended. I want you to be my friend too. I just… I can't really explain what's wrong because I don't understand myself. I'm sorry."

"Is it Leah?"

He looked at me surprised, ready to deny, but then he gave in.

"Yeah."

"You love her." It was not a question, more of a statement. If she had him sobbing like this, he must love her.

"Yeah."

"And she doesn't love you back?" How could she not love him back, every woman would be so lucky to have him.

"She does. But it's complicated."

"It shouldn't be complicated now the imprint is gone."

"What do you mean?"

"Since I drank the blood, I thought… that the imprint thing was broken. Because you stopped being my friend…" saying this my chest ached and tears welled up in my eyes as well.

He pulled me close in bear hug "Oh Ness, that's not true. Even if the imprint would be broken, I will always be your friend, forever. I'm so sorry. I knew you needed me, but in the state I was in, I would be of little use and Jasper was looking after you…"

I took a while to consider his words, snuggling against him, as he gently stroked my hair. He always used to do this, especially when comforting me, so somehow he had switched the roles again. I didn't mind and enjoyed his warmth.

"So it is possible for you to stay away from your imprint?"

"It's hard, painful even, but possible yes."

"So all the memories we shared when I was growing up, you didn't _have_ to be there, you _wanted_ to?" It was hard to keep a steady voice when I opened up the wounds again.

"Of course! I told you this before. Did you believe it was all forced?"

"Well…"

"Oh girl, I'm so sorry. I will never leave you alone again, no matter what state I'm in."

"You better not."


	22. Chapter 22 Healing

**Chapter twenty-two: Healing**

**JPOV**

**April 12**

What had I done to my girl? I promised myself here and now, that I would never, ever let her feel abandoned again. No matter how messed up I was, she doesn't need sunshine Jake, just Jake.

Just me.

My heart was already feeling much better. How does she do that?

Holding her close to me right now, it seemed silly to be hurt over her sharing her first experiences with a high school boy. She still needed me in her life and had missed me like crazy. What else could I ask for? I wanted it all of course, but being a part of her life, an important part, is pretty damn awesome too.

Besides, first loves never lasted, right? I would stop tormenting myself over him and be more patient. I almost lost her in my stupid confused behavior, and I will not risk that again. She can have hundreds of boyfriends after Josh, and I still would be there, waiting for her. Well, I hoped she didn't have hundreds…

"So Leah still holds back because of the imprint?"

Leah. Her tear stained face flashed before me. I had just realized I would wait for Ness till the end of times, even if she loved another. The teary face mouthed "told ya so". She would always be second best. I was relieved that I hadn't convinced her to give in to me, because I was lonely. Although I did love her, it wasn't enough. She deserved more. And she knew it. She deserved someone that puts her first, above all else.

"Because of the imprint yeah." Because I love you.

"But that's not fair on you. You deserve to be happy." She shifted a little away from me, her head level with mine on the pillow, to look at me as we spoke.

"So does she, it's not fair on her either, knowing that I would follow you around the world. How would you feel if Josh said he loved you but still in some way belonged to someone else?" She thought about this and concluded: "It would be scary, but I would take the chance, I think." Ever trusting and loving Ness, of course she would. Fearless.

"You are young. And Leah has taken the chance before. I don't blame her."

Things were so much clearer to me now. Even if the imprint meant just friendship, I would give my life for Ness and give up on the dream of having a family of my own. She was worth that much to me. Without a doubt. Scarifying this dream will hurt, but I'd rather risk being hurt over being guilty for the rest of my days. I was now more ready to let Leah go.

"I'm really glad Rachel called you. You're a miracle worker."

"I haven't done anything," she said shyly.

"You made me realize some things I needed to understand." That I belong to you, no matter what.

"I hope we can be more like friends now, not like a big brother and a little sister, and I want you to call on me too if you need me. I want to be there for you." She looked into my eyes intently.

I nodded in consent. No more brother Jake but friend Jake, that was a step in the right direction. Because falling in love with a friend is not as creepy as falling for your little sister.

And boy was I in love with her right now! Her forehead was inches away from mine, I could feel her warmth, she was so close and I wanted to kiss her so, so bad.

I inhaled deeply, relishing in her scent. The urge to decrease the distance between our lips was growing. Exponentially.

Kissing her this moment would be a really bad mistake now we finally trusted each other again. I had to come down from my cloud. Fast.

"Now tell me about you and Josh." Desperate measures in desperate times.

Her face lit up at hearing his name. Ouch. I'm down alright. Some day perhaps her face might light up at my name. Maybe it already did just a little bit. She was here right? After I had ignored for like five weeks.

"Things are great. Fantastic. Awesome." She grinned.

She looked totally infatuated and I managed to be happy for her and enjoy her smiling face and brilliant eyes. "You've got it bad girl" I grinned back at her.

"Yeah," she sighed.

"And Jasper is not giving you too much trouble? Babysitting and all?" I was immensely jealous with Jasper, for growing so close to her, my girl. But I knew it was kind of my fault, and he had been a good friend to her.

"Jasper is really great. He teases me sometimes, but he's also discrete. He succeeds to hide his memories from dad, which is also nice. It's not as bad as I feared it would be. He even gave me some sex advice." She blushed.

"He what? I thought he was shy and all."

"He is, and so am I. That's why we get along well I guess. He didn't actually give me the advice directly. I asked him about it and he emailed me a helpful link."

"Oh."

"I would've asked you…"

"But I wasn't there. I know. I'm sorry. Maybe you would've asked him anyway, since he is automatically aware of everything..."

"Maybe."

"So? Are you gonna tell me or not?"

"Tell you what?" she puts on her innocent face.

I started tickling her, like I had many times before, but putting my hands on her body and seeing her squirm in my bed was not a good idea in keeping my control. Luckily she screamed stop, and I immediately obeyed, without raising suspicion.

"Okay, I'll tell you" she panted.

I didn't really look forward to hearing it, but apparently I needed more to bring me down from my cloud. My very clouded mind.

"I'm still a virgin" Phew. "but I don't plan on being one much longer." Gulp. Breathe. Relax.

"We proceeded to third base last week. Well, I did, he didn't." He let her pleasure him without giving back? I was still silent, she must find me a patient listener, because she continued.

"I wasn't ready. Last week I mean. Now I am, I think. I am a bit nervous, but that's normal right?" She was rambling. How adorable. I hoped my voice would hold out.

"Just don't do anything you're not absolutely sure about, okay? Your haven't vampired a bit in those weeks, so you still have lots of time…"

"I have vampired a little." She threw in. I was relieved the subject had changed. I've had enough grounding. "All aspects have changed slightly. Jasper helps me measuring every day. But still no bloodlust. And obviously still no reeking, or you would have noticed."

"Maybe I'm just polite."

"That would be a first regarding vampire smell."

"I bet you would still smell wonderful, stench and all."

Her laugh rang through the now dark bedroom. I wished I could keep her here tonight, but I had already enjoyed more body contact than a platonic friend deserved, with her laying close to me in my bed. Josh would not appreciate this.

"It's getting late. Let me take you back home."

"I don't want to leave you yet, now we finally made up" Oh babe, don't make this hard on me.

"Me neither, but I don't want you to get grounded. Still have some free time this weekend?"

"I'm free on Sunday. Tomorrow I would go to Josh, but I guess I could cancel…"

"Nono, don't cancel. Sunday is fine. Come on, get up."

"I drove here myself. They let me come alone, like a big girl," she smiled as she sat up.

"So you don't need a ride?"

"No, I'll be fine. I'll text when I get home. And I'll let myself out, you stay here. You look like could use a good night rest." My caring girl.

"Thank you," I answered, she would never know just how thankful I was, she had saved me in a way tonight.

She stood and left the room and already my body ached for her closeness again, but my eyelids were heavy and I wouldn't suffer for long. Last thing I heard was her phoning Rachel from the hallway, to let her know I would be fine, and then I drifted off. I vaguely remember reading her text "I'm home, sleep tight" before I dozed off again into a very long, deep and dreamless sleep.


	23. Chapter 23 All the Way

**Chapter twenty three: All the way**

**NPOV**

**April 13**

Josh led me into his house, the house that would be all ours for the entire day. There was no need for rushing, no fear of interruptions, we had all the time in the world. And just that fact, that should have been calming us, was putting us under some great pressure. We both knew this was a unique opportunity to continue our exploration and we were both tensed with high expectations. Jasper had given me one tip, very shyly. He had noticed both times that Josh was highly "explosive" and he told me it might help if he got to "discharge" first before… anything else. Simply put: get him off before having sex. I would try to keep that in mind. We certainly had enough time for several rounds. I hoped nerves would not get in the way of this experience.

As soon as we were alone however, all anxiety was gone, and we were kissing, first sweetly but soon passionately. He held me close as his tongue roamed my mouth, driving the butterflies in my stomach crazy. I had been longing for this for a while and I was damn horny, dying to be touched for the first time.  
We quickly removed all of our clothes and he pulled me close again.  
"God I want you so bad" he growled, pressing his body against mine, by means of evidence. I was ready. Ready to go all the way. No more dreaming about it. This was it.

I had pictured us going slow today, stroking each others body, familiarizing ourselves with the feel, maybe trying some other things first before starting the real thing. But I was so turned on, I wanted him to make love to me, right now. And apparently he felt the same.

Before we knew it, we were tangled up op his bed once again, this time without the clothing. His hands were massaging my breasts, and mine were in his hair, pulling him even closer in the hard and wild kisses. His hips bucked against mine, our lower bodies curling and grinding, until his erection slid between my legs, gliding against my wet center. We both groaned at the slick and delicious feel our sensitive parts rubbing each other.

Having actual sex was only one push away, there was no more stopping us, we were all squirming and kissing and fire. He started rolling his lower back, pushing his erection upwards, pressing against my opening, and I tried to relax my legs a bit, steadying my hips to grant him easier access. I knew he was pushing the right place, and I knew I was wet enough, but somehow it seemed as if he just didn't fit. I figured it must be my hymen blocking the way, so urged him on to press harder.

When he did, I felt him sliding inside a bit, but it hurt like hell, and my arousal was instantly gone. I tried to focus on him, and his pleasure. But he also had a slightly painful expression on his face.

"Are you in yet?" I asked. Immediately I could hit myself, what girl asks her boyfriend if he's in yet, I hoped he wasn't insulted.

"Not quite" he grunted. Oh God, more to come, I braced myself. "Then why did you stop?" Better get it over with, I was still hurting.

He pushed in further and it felt like my insides were ripping. I tried not to let him notice and urged him on to continue. I couldn't stop a tear escaping my eye and rolling towards my ear.

He slid in even further, until I felt his hip bones against my inner thighs.

Then he let his head fall against my neck, whispering "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." For what? We knew this was going to hurt.

"It's okay honey, just go on."

"I just came…" he answered.

He pulled out, too fast, and I winced. He stood up and went to the bathroom without a word.

I felt sticky and grabbed his tissue box to clean up some blood and other fluids. I then pulled the covers over me, waiting for him. But he didn't return.

I wrapped his blanket around me, suddenly feeling self conscious, and entered the bathroom. He sat against the bath, wearing boxers, his knees pulled up and his head in his hands. I sat down next to him. I wanted to pull him in a hug but he remained rigid, so I gave up.

"I love you" I tried, not knowing what else to say. "I love you too," he whispered, finally looking up. He searched my eyes, I didn't know what he was looking for.

"Why are you sad?"

He looked down again "I wanted it to be perfect. I'm a total loser."

"No you're not, how can a first time be perfect, with all the hurt?"

"It would have passed, if I had lasted longer…"

"Who told you that? Honey, I felt it and believe me, it would _not_ have passed. I for one was actually glad you came fast"

He groaned embarrassed. I remembered Jasper's advice about discharging him first. Right, I had forgotten about that.

"I wanted you to enjoy."

"Well, today was about getting rid of my hymen so next time we don't have to worry about pain."

"I suppose, if you put it that way." He didn't look assured.

The thing is, I was saying these things to convince myself as well. Because I had expected the pain to go away too, and I had expected to enjoy the sex as well. And if not that, I wanted him to enjoy and I wanted him to make love to me. Instead he just had a dreadful and awkward experience.

And I was still very sore, so there was no repeating that today.

Most of all, I had dreamed about us cuddling after the sex, looking into each other's eyes, more intimate than ever, vowing our eternal love.

No turning back time now. To be honest, I was a little bit annoyed with him, I blamed him for making it worse than it was. If he hadn't overreacted, I could have had my cuddle time. But his expectations were different than mine, and for him the disappointment in himself was overwhelming.

"Want to make something to eat?"

"Sure" he answered, still avoiding my gaze. Great, no we had the rest of the day to spend sulking. We baked cheese sandwiches and ate in silence. It was not a comfortable silence, not at all. I loved Josh very much, but right now we both needed some hours apart to bury our imaginary first time and process our real first time. So I made up an excuse about some forgotten thing I had at home, and he seemed relieved as I called Jasper to pick me up.

When I got into the car with Jasper I immediately warned him I didn't want to talk about it.

He looked really worried though, so ignored my request and asked: "Did he hurt you? I mean, naturally he has, but I felt pain and desertion and disappointment. And you're annoyed with him. Did he force you?" He looked so concerned, I wanted to break down and cry in his arms.

Instead I felt ashamed that he got to witness the most humiliating moment of my life and answered curtly "Of course not. You would have felt fear then, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, I suppose I would have" He relaxed a bit but looked taken aback by my lashing out at him. Of course he immediately picked up on my guilt and gave me small reassuring smile. "Do you want to go home, or some place else?"

"I don't want to go home, but don't know where else."

"I want to talk to you, you feel really confused and I could help you by explaining his feelings. But I understand if you don't want to talk."

I sighed. "First hunt, then talk."

He agreed. "No," I corrected, "first hold me when I cry, and then hunt and talk". So he parked the car and pulled me onto his lap.

After bawling my eyes out and ruining his shirt I climbed back in my own seat, which is more comfortable then a rock solid vampire.

"I should have listened to your advice." I looked down at my hands.

"No, I should have given you a different advice. Apparently you both had expectations that were way too high. First times are supposed to be awkward and painful. Well, not supposed to, they just are. For everyone. I should have advised you to talk to each other about how you imagined it to be, that way he would have known that cuddling was more important to you than his performance. He couldn't have known now, don't blame him."

I thought about this a long time. He was right. Of course, Jasper was always right.

"Was your first time with Alice awkward and painful?"

"Well, no, not exactly. But we weren't virgins. Far from." He smiled. "But still, it got better when we got to know each others bodies. A lot."

A vision of Alice and Jasper having sex popped up in my mind, but I quickly shook it away saying it was time to go hunting.

When I got home I went outside to phone Josh in all privacy. I basically said the things Jasper had said, of course without mentioning him. Just that we should have talked, and that the cuddling mattered to me, not whether or not I get an orgasm. We concluded in a more cheerful mood that we were just both too damn sexy for our own good, and promised that we would take it slower next time, take our time to really make love.

I looked forward to that.


	24. Chapter 24 Birthday

**Chapter twenty four: Birthday**

**JPOV**

**April 14**

Rachel came by on Saturday, and she was obviously relieved to see me up and groomed and eating. She was a bit apprehensive about me being angry at her for calling Ness, but I was only thankful. Who knew how much worse I would have let things go, if she hadn't pulled me back to reality.

I knew she was with Josh right now, but I had my jealousy in check, convincing myself that she needed some experiences to realize what was right in front of her. I was patient.

However, there was another jealousy thing now, that I would have to learn to control. Jasper.

He was always protective of her, and never liked me too much, especially when I started craving her body. And now he was this huge part of her new life. A part that could have been me, if I hadn't messed up. I had to admit that my absence was not the only reason they were close, she had always liked him and admired him. Jasper was this really smart, well red, shy and compassionate person. It was only natural she felt good around him. I was more the goofy playful friend.

Rachel invited me on the birthday party of Kaylan and Simon, the four year old twins of Embry and Sophie. I said I was catching up on lost time with Ness, but she told me to bring Ness, they had all missed her. She was allowed to be around humans when I was nearby, and I didn't plan on leaving her alone one second.

When I picked up Ness this morning and I asked if she wanted to go, she was almost bouncing up and down with excitement, clearly she had missed the pack and the kids too. She had send me a text, saying that she didn't want to talk about Josh today, but now she seemed happy enough, so the teenage drama would probably not be that serious and I respected her wish.

Embry's backyard was so crammed, it seemed like the whole tribe was there, in reality it was only the pack and their families. I hadn't seen Leah yet, and prayed she wouldn't come, because I didn't want to face her with Ness by my side. Nessie was immediately stolen and dragged away by the overactive kids, and my friends Quil and Embry stood by me, letting me know they were glad I was among the living once again. I watched her lovingly while William and Anna, Sam's kids, and Sari, Jared's girl, chased her around the yard, screaming in delight. The twins were too occupied with their new toys to join the hunt.

It was a wonderful afternoon and I found myself wishing it would never end.

But then something happened, something I've been dreading.

Leah appeared on the driveway, looking more beautiful then ever, followed by this handsome stranger, holding her hand. He looked like a runway model, tall and blond, he made the female heads turn but he only had eyes for her. I saw them walking towards Embry, it seemed in slow motion to me. She handed him a gift for the twins and they chatted a few seconds. Embry shook hands with mister handsome and he gave them drinks. Leah's gaze roamed over the yard and then our eyes met.

The world stood still.

I wanted to walk over there, take her away from here and never let go, I wanted to say a million different things, including "I love you", but neither of us moved, eyes locked for what seemed like hours. The hurt must have been obvious in mine, she looked apologetic.

Then I felt someone taking my hand and Leah's eyes shifted the slightest bit, before she turned around, towards him. I blinked and looked at my hand, it was Ness, and she looked concerned.

"You want to go home?"

"No," I replied and tried to control my breathing, "just give me a minute."

I knew I shouldn't leave her alone, but I was breaking down and needed some time. I stepped inside, into the kitchen and leaned my elbows on the counter, my face buried in my hands. I was grateful that she didn't follow me.

I stood like that for a little while, getting my emotions in check, until I felt a hand on my back. It was a warm female hand, wolf warm.

I turned around and looked at her, keeping myself from doing the things I wanted to do, like kissing her. Claiming her.

She looked more in control, but then again, Leah hardly ever showed her real emotions, except when we…

"I didn't know you were going to be here. I wouldn't have brought him. I would probably have stayed away entirely if I knew…"

"You don't have to stay away anywhere Leah, you are a free person."

"He's not… It's just a date. He kept asking me out and I didn't want to face their pitiful looks alone, so…" she started apologizing.

"It's okay. Like I said, you're free."

"You know I'd rather not be free..." she whispered.

"Don't do this Leah, you'll make us both cry again. I want you to be happy, I really do. I just need time." She looked through the window into the garden.

"You and Ness seem fine. Any progress?"

"She's still with Josh, but I can wait…" She looked back in my eyes.

"Forever?"

"If needed…"

"I'm sorry Jacob."

"Yeah, me too."

"I should probably…" she motioned towards the yard.

"Yeah, don't leave him with the wolves." I tried to smile and she went back.

I breathed deeply a couple of times and went outside as well.

Ness came to me, grabbing my hand, and I squeezed hers thankfully.

Leah and mister handsome left not long after, and I relaxed again, enjoying the rest of the evening.

In the car ride back to Forks, after I reassured Ness I was fine, which was not entirely true but I would be, she chatted about how adorable those kids were. I was entertained by her happy voice and enthusiastic hand gestures as she told me how cute eight year old William was when he asked her on a date. The boy always had a little crush on her and it was totally sweet.

"I told him he was a little to young too take me on a date, and he dryly replied "Then you will just have to wait for me to get bigger", so cute!"

"So funny. He is totally going to hear that when he grows up, poor kid."

"Who knows, maybe in ten years he is completely my type and he'll get his chance." She said playfully, defending the kid.

"Why, is Sam your type maybe?" I teased her.

"No," she answered insulted, "but Emily is beautiful, so there is still hope for William."

"I remember you having a huge crush when you were little as well, but I can't recall who it was."

"Ohnoo, I had totally forgotten about that!" she shrieked, clearly catching on.

"Who was it?" I asked.

"Are you serious? It was Jasper." Of course, how could I forget, perfect Jasper. She always had a thing for him. I almost rolled my eyes.

"Now I remember. And you used to tell me and I had to keep it a secret."

"You did right? God I hope I never asked _him_ on a date."

"I never told him alright, but um… empath remember?"

"You mean he knew?" she asked shocked.

"Of course he knew, he thought you were totally adorable, you were his little princess."

"Oh my god, how embarrassing!"


	25. Chapter 25 Evil

**Chapter twenty five: Evil**

**NPOV**

**April 15**

That night I dreamed about Jasper.

We were back in the forest where I drank my first blood. We were both draining that deer, each on a side of it's neck, sucking fervently while looking into each other's eyes. His golden ones burned into mine, he had something intense and dangerous about him, incredibly sexy.  
Once the last drop was finished, he tossed the carcass aside and pounced me. His lips were on mine, eyes fierce.  
I opened my lips and our tongues were savoring the remaining taste of the blood in each others mouths. There was something wild and animalistic about this kiss, it made my knees tremble.  
He wrapped my thighs around his waist and pressed me roughly against a three. I threw my head back, hips bucking against him, rubbing my center over his erection. He growled and nuzzled my exposed neck, pressing himself harder against me.  
Released from the kiss, I moaned loudly, and as I felt his sharp teeth sink into my flesh, a pain flashed through me and in that same moment I climaxed, violently shuddering.

I woke up sweaty, my breath uneven, my body burning with need for something.

I couldn't relieve myself, because the image of this fierce predator wouldn't go away, so I opted for a cold shower.

I assured myself that all teenagers have dreams like this. Well, maybe not with the biting. And Jasper was only on my mind because Jake reminded me yesterday of the little crush I used to have. I had completely forgotten about that, and it probably should have been left buried somewhere in the back of my memory.

I was a little jumpy when Jasper asked me if I was ready for school, but he just thought I was apprehensive about seeing Josh after our disastrous encounter so he didn't ask me why. The ride was quiet and I was relieved when we arrived, this new feeling gaining a questioning look from him. I quickly got out, and headed towards my classroom.

When I saw Josh, all awkward feelings disappeared, and all I could think of was how in love I was with him. We needed a long talk and spent lunch break behind the gym, holding each other and talking. Now we had lived through Saturday, we could handle all embarrassing subjects, and I was really glad to be completely honest about my wishes and feelings on the matter. We agreed not to go all the way on Wednesday, no matter how heated up we got, we could touch each other, hands only. And no orgasms required, just some exploring.

We weren't ready to let go by the end of lunch break, so we skipped class and held each other close, vowing our eternal love. Eventually we ended up staying there all afternoon, affectionately kissing. At last I got my intimate cuddling and it was heavenly.

I was lightheaded when I got back in the car, the dream long forgotten.

"This is too much happiness for me, you're going to kill me, girl" Jasper teased, and I beamed at him.

"We talked about everything, Jazz, we were completely honest and he was so sweet…"

"I bet he was, he feels the same, by the way." He smiled at me. "And take care you don't burst, because this will make you even happier: Rose and Emmett are webcamming tonight."

"Oh that's fantastic!!! I really miss them! When? I'll call Jake to come over."

"He's already there, although I don't really see why he needs to be…" Jasper sounded a bit annoyed. I was used to those two brother-figures competing to protect me. Emmett was protective too, and although he is highly competitive, he never rivaled with the other two.

"If they have news that might influence my future, vampire or human, then it concerns him too, with the imprint and all, don't you think?"

"I guess." He kept his eyes firmly on the road.

I didn't want my happy mood to fade, so let go of this argument, instead I asked if he knew why Rose and Emmett would be camming. "No, they just mailed us to come online at eight. We still have a few hours, want to hunt first?"

I never said no to an opportunity to admire my favorite predator, but then my dream popped back to mind. Jasper looking dangerous and so hot, and suddenly this "admiring" during hunt felt like something sexual.

I quickly refused, blurting something about homework. Of course he knew I was lying. He shook his head with a slight grin and muttered "naughty girl".

I panicked and blushed, but then realized he couldn't know who the subject of my desire was and relaxed a bit again, focusing on Josh.

I really had to get this dream out of my mind, tonight I would make up a fantasy about Josh instead. And I would make it a good one, I could let him do whatever I wanted. I thought about Josh's kisses, he was a fine kisser indeed, and imagined him lavishing that same amount of attention on other parts of my body. Boy, I bet he's a natural. I would let him start softly, using his sweet romantic kisses, and then grow more passionately, licking me in places that would make me squirm.

"Hey, give me a break!" Jasper exclaimed.

"Woops, sorry." Damn, I sure did my part of blushing today.

"We're almost there and then I'll be hunting. A few more minutes, think you can manage?" he chuckled.

"God you _so_ like my embarrassment. You're evil, you know that?"

"Me? Evil? You're the evil one, you should know what you're doing to me, sending all that stuff in the air." He pouted.

"Poor you." I laughed out loud. Jasper pouting was really funny.

"Yeah? Well, see how you like _that_." An devilish grin slid over his face and suddenly I was hit with a crashing wave of lust. If I thought I was horny before I was wrong, _now_ I was horny! And it felt surprisingly good, but I would die if I didn't hump something or someone soon. It took all the strength I had not to put my hand between my legs to rub my aching core, and I panted with a croaking voice "stop… please".

Instantly the feeling lifted, leaving me panting, flustered and slightly frustrated, with wet panties.

"Now you know what you do to me." He laughed out loud at my expression.

"You are SO evil, wait till I tell dad about what you just did." His smile instantly fell. Gotcha!

"You wouldn't!"

"Damn right I would!"

"I'm sorry. Please don't. You're right, that was evil. But you started it. Did you really have to start fantasizing here in the car? I can't turn it off you know." I did feel a bit sorry for him.

"I won't tell, but don't do it again. It's really embarrassing."

"It was kind of funny."

"If you try that again, I might surprise you and send some things your way too, when you least expect it." I threatened.

"You mean like you did last night? Man, what was that!!!" He shook his head.

Now I blushes furiously. I can't believe he just said that. He must feel it stronger if it's aimed at him. I would have to be careful.

"I didn't do it on purpose, it was a dream." I said softly.

"Damn. Must have been a good one, huh?" I only he knew.

"Enough already." I pleaded. He chuckled, but let me be. I was so ready to let the subject go, but then I got curious.

"Is it really that bad for you all the time?"

"I might have overdone it a little bit." He winked at me.

"Evil." I shook my head, rolling my eyes.


	26. Chapter 26 Monster

**Chapter twenty six: Monster**

**JPOV**

**April 15**

I sat on the front porch, waiting for Ness to arrive. Jasper's car pulled to a stop at the end of the driveway, they hadn't noticed me yet. Her cheeks looked a bit blushing, probably he had been teasing her again. And then Jasper moved his hand over his pressed tight lips from left to right, as if he was zipping it, and he raised his eyebrows at her. Ness grinned wickedly, but then nodded and got out.

What was that about? Sure with the empath thing, they were bound to have secrets, but mostly Jasper had to keep _her_ secrets safe, not the other way around. What did he have to hide?

And they were smart too, not making a sound around vampire ears. Or wolf ears. I was curious and suspicious and I thought "Edward, tune in on Jasper's thoughts, please". As he got out of the car and Ness was grabbing her bag, he said: "I'm off to hunt. Sure you don't want to join?" She shook her head saying "No, I need a shower", she winked at him and he laughed out loud before he disappeared, as if this was some kind of inside joke. My curiosity, and I must admit jealousy, were skyrocketing.

Then Ness saw me at the porch and she instantly ran my way, flinging her arms around me. "Rose and Emmett are calling," she chipped excited. I was instantly hit by the smell of her arousal. She was excited alright. Damn Jasper, this better be Josh's doing.

Was I defending her boyfriend now? Jasper deserved more trust than that, he had always looked after her, but there was just something about their interaction just now that irked me. Or maybe I imagined it, I would ask Edward if he picked up on something, and otherwise I really had to work on that jealousy. It is not an attractive trait. Smelling her rich arousal did make me understand the shower comment. He must have noticed, vampire smell is more sensitive and they had been inside a car, it must have been driving him crazy. Maybe he had been teasing her about that.

"I'm sure you're right," Edward's voice said soothingly. "He does deserve your trust. He's not trying to take anything away from you, he has Alice."

I nodded, ashamed about my ugly green monster.

"He's allowed to have secrets as well, for all we know, he could be sending Ness to buy Alice a present, so Alice would not be able to see it in her visions, because she can't see Ness. That could explain the zipping . Whatever it is, I'm sure it's innocent."

"You heard nothing in his thoughts?"

"No, he's good at clouding. Which in turn is good for me, otherwise I would know exactly what my daughter is up to all the time with her boyfriend…"

"Oh… I thought I might ask you if you had seen anything in his mind about Saturday." I'm afraid Josh hurt her.

"Bits and pieces. Jasper picking her up before noon. Her crying in his lap. Him showing her how to hunt an elk. Both of them talking in the forest… Nothing about before. I'm also afraid Josh hurt her."

She had been crying in his arms and hadn't want to talk about it with me. That stung, badly.

"Green monster" Edward warned. Right.

"You have to understand," he added "if she had a choice, she might not want Jasper to know as well, but she doesn't have a choice, and maybe she even wanted you to hold her that moment. And if she had a long talk on Saturday, calming her down eventually, it's only natural she doesn't feel like repeating on Sunday."

I stayed silent, taking in what he said, knowing he was right. I would try to give them the benefit of the doubt. And kill that ugly monster. The green one, not Jasper, I added, and Edward snickered.

All eight of us sat at the dinner table, camera placed so that we were all in view, looking at the wall that was lit up by the projector.

Carlisle clicked the connection request that popped up at two minutes passed eight, and both smiling faces filled the living room.

Emmett roared "Boy it's great to see you guys again!!! Finding decent internet around here is a bitch! How've you all been doing?"

"Hi guys, he's right, telecommunication sucks here. But the jungle meat is de-li-cious!" Rose added. "Fierce crocodiles!" Emmett yelled, nodding.

We all laughed out loud and started greeting them back at the same time.

"Aw, I see my favorite sister still looks human? Any changes kiddo? Oh! Are those tears?" he leaned closer to his screen "Ohno, don't cry girl, somebody wipe those away, I want only smiley faces." She quickly wiped at her cheeks "Happy tears, Emmett, happy tears."  
"Alright then, cry away!" he laughed.

It was clear that everybody had missed this goodhearted fellow. Who wouldn't love the big goofball. And Ness had also missed Rosalie, who had always treated her like a baby of her own.

"Alright folks," now Rose meant business "we don't have much online time, and we have news for you. We found four other halfbreeds, and so far, none of them had ever even tried to slow or avert the change. If anyone succeeded, they would of course be harder to find, since they would have remained human, but we keep looking. In the mean time, we found this native witch doctor who believes he can neutralize vampire venom and keep her human, but he's a total nut shell. Obviously, anyone that believes in vampires has to be a bit bonkers, so we spoke to him anyway. He seemed to know quite a bit about our kind, not just book stuff, but for instance about the sparkling as well, and he showed us some ancient spell book that contains the magic to dissolve the venom in her blood. The tricky part is, he can only perform the magic himself, right here, it is not without risk, the pictures in the book showed a lot of blood shedding, and like I said, he's a lunatic. So far, however, he's all we've got. But we're not giving up."

"Thank you Rose," Carlisle said, "we will think about this and maybe the new knowledge can lead us to new paths. Do you know the name of that doctor?"

"His name is Gaviao, and he lives in Ipixuna. It is located at the Ipixuna river in the Amazon rainforest, deep into an Indian reserve."

"Time's up buddies," Emmett said sadly "Hope we won't have to wait so long before we see you again, miss you all big time."

A general "miss you too" resounded and Rose threw in a last "bye" before the screen went blank again.

We were all silent, already missing Rose and Emmett, and processing the new information.

Carlisle was the first to speak "Ness, this is probably a lot for you. Why don't you take a couple of days to think and you can talk this through with whoever you please. You don't have to decide right now. You have time, the change is slow."

"But maybe my chances get lower the longer I wait…" I couldn't believe she wanted to risk everything, her eternity, even risk her human life, to have a long shot at a mortal life. For Josh. I would have to try and talk her out of that, she was a love sick teenager about to make a huge mistake.

Edward shook his head at me the slightest bit, a gentle warning in his eyes, as if to say "no pushing". No. Pushing Ness would only make her go the other direction, she was stubborn like that.

"The way I understood," Carlisle answered her "he might be able to clear the venom, so as long as you have blood running through your veins, you have a chance, but I can also imagine that you would be at higher risk the more venom and the less blood you have." She sighed and nodded, suddenly looking very tired.

"I have to think about it. Right now, can I just enjoy the memory of Emm and Rose?"

"Of course dear" Esme said affectionately. "We have recorded the conference, so we can pick up the information later and we can look at their faces again later too." She was obviously emotional after seeing two of her kids again.

We all were.


	27. Chapter 27 Bath

**Chapter twenty seven: Bath **

**NPOV**

**April 17**

I had a lot on my mind. How was I supposed to make a decision like that? I had no idea what to do, but also had no desire to discuss the matter with anyone. The plus side of this confusion was that I couldn't dwell on that stunt that Jasper pulled on me, so my embarrassment levels during the silent rides were average. He didn't mention it again either. At home I tried to avoid him, but I did need company, so I was grateful Jake was there.

The last couple of days had been a total rollercoaster for me, and frankly I was happy just to cuddle the entire Wednesday afternoon with Josh. I had learned my lesson about honesty and told Josh this. He wasn't disappointed, of course not, he's an absolute sweetheart. When bundled up together under his covers, we talked about everything and nothing. I told him about how I had made up with Jake and how happy I was to be spending as much time with him as I could to make up the loss of the passing weeks. I was careful not to talk about Jasper, or my dream, I didn't want to make him jealous.

I also told him about the call we got from Emmett and Rose, not the reason for that call or their trip, just that it was good speaking to them again. Josh didn't know exactly what were the relations between all my family members, just that it was complicated with adoptions and all. He didn't press the matter.

As we lay there talking, he softly stroked my back underneath my shirt, and my fingers were absently tracing his happy trail to his belly button. We were peaceful and needed nothing more. But somewhere along the way, my body must have thought differently. It was tuned in on every move his fingertips made over my skin, sending small sparks to my stomach. My hand had slipped further under his shirt, feeling the muscles in his chest. I noticed we had stopped talking and his arm lightly pressed me closer to him. I lifted my head for a soft kiss, but got something else instead. Whenever we kissed, we couldn't help but losing control, and all too soon I lay on top of him, kissing him deeply, rubbing my center over his jeans.

"Wait." Josh interrupted breathlessly "remember what we agreed. I don't want to mess up again. Let's try to relax. How about a bath?"

So that's what we did. We stripped out of our clothes, hungrily looking at each others bodies, and got into a hot bath. I sat with my chest against his back, leaning my head on his shoulder. No more kissing in this position, our agreement would be safer.

He washed my hair, massaging my scalp and I slowly felt the tension of the last days ebb away. I sat up and his soapy hands were now washing my back and my arms, occasionally reaching around slipping over my wet breasts. His arousal pressed into my lower back and I was dying to be touched, everywhere.

I leaned against him so that he could no longer stroke my back and he shifted his attention to my breasts, whispering in my ear how beautiful I was. A soft moan escaped my lips when his wet hands slipped over my sensitive nipples. Hearing this his arms wrapped around my stomach, pulling my ass against his erection, his throat producing a similar moan.

I wanted him to lower his hands, so I gave him a hint opening my legs, my knees rested on his. He understood and one hand slid slowly over my stomach under the water and caressed my center. His soft touch under the water felt like nothing I ever felt before. His fingers moved up and down over my folds, hesitantly, and I placed my hand over his, the way he had guided me before, and led him to the right spot. I rubbed myself with his fingers, showing him the right pressure.

As I let go of his hand, he pleaded "No, help me, this is harder than pleasing a boy, teach me".

I answered "you don't have to get me off, I enjoy this just as much, but I'll show you what I like."

And I taught him how to play me, moving his fingers in and out of me, slow, then fast, while rubbing my clit. He was an enthusiastic student and before I knew it, there were four hands pumping and rubbing me, and soon I was shuddering in his arms as I reached my climax.

He sighed somewhat relieved, and I could imagine just how pleased he was with himself right now. With reason. That was amazing. A-ma-zing!

His throbbing hard on reminded me this was not finished yet.

I rested against his chest, sliding my lower body a bit more forward. My hands were on his knees, slowly trailing over his thighs, sliding under the water behind my back.

I softly slid my fingertips over his erection and his balls and he groaned, while kissing my neck and shoulders. I wanted this to last a bit longer than last times, so I didn't place my fingers around his shaft to pump it. Instead I gently rubbed all of it, using my ten fingers combined. There was no need for lube under the water. The fingers of my right hand were playing with the head, sliding over it, around it, sometimes squeezing it, while my left hand was rubbing his shaft up and down, occasionally fondling his balls.

I could tell by his pants and moans at my ear that I was driving him crazy. But not too crazy, I wouldn't let him come just yet.

When my arms that were curled around my back became sore, I turned around, sitting Indian style and I pulled his hips towards me a bit so I could reach the place that needed my attention. He looked so beautiful, completely surrendered to me. In bliss and frustrated at the same time.

I continued my administrations, with a bit more pressure this time. He tried to buck his hips against my hand, needing more. When he seemed at the verge of begging, I gave him mercy, wrapping both my hands around him, pumping him hard and fast. His head rolled back, hard against the bath tub but he didn't seem to mind. He cried my name loudly as he lifted his back and came with violent shudders.

That was by far the hottest thing I had ever seen.

We rinsed all our fluids and dried each other off tenderly. He whispered in my ear "Could you please move in with me so that I never have to use my own lousy hands anymore?"

I laughed and said "I could say the same, babe". He grinned proudly and I felt like I could burst with affection for him.

After I joined his family again for diner, we snuggled together on the porch swing. I called Jasper to pick me up, although I wasn't ready for this day to end. We sat there in silence. As I looked up I saw that Josh's face looked brooding.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Is Jake going to be there when you go home?" Where did this come from all of the sudden?

"I don't know, why?"

"Just that he's always there, right? I mean, you saw him on Sunday, and then on Monday, and on Tuesday…"

Was he jealous of Jake now? How did that happen? I figured he would be jealous of Jasper, Jasper was driving me everyday and I did maybe suffer from a little crush on him, although I was not ready to admit that. I was only remembering my former crush and confused by that stupid dream.

"There are lots of people I see everyday. Including you" I answered, as I kissed him on his lips.

He was still thinking hard.

"How are things between him and Leah?"

Oh right, I had told him once that Leah was Jake's girlfriend, or so I thought.

"They broke up a little while ago."

"So he's single now?"

"I guess so."

"Hmm." He avoided my gaze.

"Does that matter? Honey, please don't be jealous of my family. You know I wish I could have you with me all the time."

"He's _not_ family and I'm pretty sure he doesn't see you as family either."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing."

"Josh, please, we had a wonderful afternoon, don't ruin it over nothing. I love you. I have friends apart from you, close friends even, but I love you, only you."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I just don't want to lose you, ever…" He hugged me.

I wanted to say that he wouldn't ever lose me, but I couldn't. So instead I said truthfully "I don't want to lose you either."

"Oh I forgot," his face lit up "will you be my date at the prom?"

"Of course, silly."

"Good" he smiled sweetly and I was glad his contemplations were finally erased at the thought of taking me to prom.


	28. Chapter 28 Curious

**Chapter twenty eight: Curious**

**JPOV**

**April 19**

After spending most nights this week at the Cullens, I had noticed some things. Nessie and Jasper were avoiding each other. I learned from other vampires that they normally hunt together, she used to like joining him even before she drank blood, and he would then help her with the monitoring. Now she hunted with Carlisle and asked me to assist in the testing. I didn't complain, but I was curious. Not so much jealous, I told myself, but more worried that he had been teasing her too much, I caught her blushing a lot when he was around.

On Friday, after finishing filling in her log book, I asked her about it, and she suddenly snapped.

"It's all your fault, Jake. You had to remind me of that stupid crush, and now I am mortified just to be in the same room with him, which is pretty damn annoying since he's my fucking babysitter!" She had caught me completely off guard.

"How can this be my fault? I didn't even remember who your crush was for. And bye the way, we all have had our crushes Ness, it's really no big deal."

"Yeah?" she challenged me "who did you have a crush on then?"

"You know who, and if I would let my shame about that rule me, then I would never visit you again."

Realization dawned on her. She knew I had loved Bella before she was born, but it was kind of creepy and also embarrassing so we didn't talk about it.

"I think there's something else bothering you, Ness." I thought she had calmed down, but I was definitely wrong.

"Well I don't _have_ to tell you everything, it's bad enough that I never get some damn privacy around here, so bud out Jake!" she yelled.

That hurt me.

She never _had_ to tell me everything, but she always wanted to, even when what she told me was killing me.

I blinked and turned around to leave. As I mounted the motorcycle she came running after me.

"I'm sorry Jake. Don't be mad. I'll tell you, but it's totally embarrassing and you have to promise you won't laugh."

"Okay." Now I was really curious. I gave her the spare helmet, and we rode off to the forest where we sat on the ground.

She played with some twigs, not ready to spill her secret. I was glad that she wanted to tell me, but now I saw that this was hard on her I felt a bit guilty. I had a feeling her story had something to do with Jasper. So I let her off the hook and asked her how things were with Josh.

She gave me a brilliant smile. I was relieved, which was a bit of a surprise. I wanted them to break up, but I didn't want her to get hurt. And I had to admit, if she would go for a high school boyfriend, Josh was really not a bad choice. He was good for her. And he obviously made her happy. Next time I saw him, I wouldn't give him a hard time anymore.

She told me in short what happened last weekend, but assured me that everything had been cleared up between them and that Wednesday had been wonderful. I didn't press for details and was glad that she didn't provide any.

And then she took a deep breath and blurted "I had a dream about Jasper", as if this would explain everything.

I was confused and said "So?". She looked resigned that she needed to further elaborate and added reluctantly "It was kind of… a hot dream. And now when I see him I remember the dream and I'm scared that he will notice".

I was abashed.

"Please don't laugh" she added softly.

Laughing was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to run and cry. Josh I could handle, she needed a high school boyfriend and she got one. But Jasper? She had to fall for Jasper now? Please don't let this be true.

The question that was searing in my mind was: Are you falling for him? But I didn't have the guts to ask, so instead I tried to minimize the whole thing, till we both believed it. I told her everybody has hot dreams now and then, and the one starring in them is sometimes just a person you last thought of before falling asleep. And that it is normal for her to be confused, but that it would go away as soon as she stopped beating herself up over having that dream in the first place.

"You're right, it doesn't mean a thing. If I had a choice I would've been dreaming about Josh."

"Right."

"Thanks Jake. I'm sorry for giving you a hard time earlier."

"It's okay. Having no privacy would annoy the crap out of me too."

She lay on her back, looking at the darkening sky.

I lay down beside her, my hand only inches away from hers. We held hands before all the time, she wouldn't mind, so I took her small hand. She laced her fingers with mine. The world just became a little more beautiful.

"Aren't you going to ask what the dream was about?"

And less beautiful again.

"Do I want to know?" No no no no, I don't. I had a feeling she would tell me anyway. Damn. An hour ago I was offended that she didn't want to tell me everything. I braced myself for what was to come.

"He bit me." Huh? I certainly didn't see that one coming.

"What? And you think that's a hot dream? Jasper biting you?"

"It was kind of… a sexual bite." Kill me now… I didn't know what to say at that.

"Still not laughing at me?"

"Um. No. Although it is sort of kinky right, never thought you were the SM kind of girl." I tried teasing her, fulfilling the role she expected me to play.

She laughed out loud.

"I'm not. I have a theory about this dream. I always admired Jasper during hunt, and maybe my mind just took different pieces from my memory, like the hunting, the crush and my… sexual feelings for Josh, and mixed it up into a dream that doesn't make sense."

"Could be right. So you get turned on by Jasper hunting?"

"No! I didn't say that, I just admire him."

"But you're afraid that you will get turned on seeing him hunting now, so you avoid joining him."

"Yes…" Note to myself: kill my green monster _and_ my curious monster, have to get rid of that one too.

"I wouldn't worry so much. If he notices, you just pretend you were distracted and thinking about Josh."

"I don't think he would buy it. He feels everything much stronger if it's aimed at him."

"How do you figure that?"

She now groaned in embarrassment, lifting her free arm over her face, to hide her blushing cheeks.

"Because…" she thought about how to put this "at night I fantasize a lot, you know… and he must notice, but he never speaks about it. Thank god. But the day after I dreamed about him, he teased me about it. Said that he didn't know what had hit him."

"Oh. That sucks."

"Yeah."

I could see now why Jasper was avoiding her too. He was definitely happy with Alice, and would never hurt her. But feeling the lust of this beautiful young woman must be pretty confusing for him.


	29. Chapter 29 Temptation

**Chapter twenty nine: temptation**

**NPOV**

**April 20**

Jake was right. The more I would worry about the dream and the crush, yes I had admitted to myself that I had a crush on Jasper, a little one, the more important it would become and the more he would notice. I would pretend that it was absolutely normal to be a little dazzled now and then by this charming vampire and stop letting it absorb me. And I wouldn't avoid him any longer.

That is why, when Jasper asked me to join him hunting this afternoon, I agreed. He is actually a born teacher, always had been, be it with literature or driving instructions, and now it was only natural that he was dying to teach me how to hunt. Of course, right now I was not strong enough to hunt and I could not bite through fur yet, but he wanted to show me attacking strategies, how to ambush different animals and counteract on their defenses.

I was genuinely interested, not letting myself get distracted, as he explained to me how to tire a wild boar. Of course any vampire could just jump it and kill it, using vampire speed and strength, but that is called feeding, and not hunting, Emmett had told me. It sounded a bit cruel, but the blood of a chased and scared animal was way more satisfying. And a satisfied vampire is a less dangerous vampire for humans. Hence the hunting tactics lesson.

After the theory, he put his plan to action, pursuing the wild boar, agitating it and slowly closing in on it. As I had feared, I found the scene before me arousing, the fierce look in his eyes even erotic. I found myself wishing I was that boar, being chased by this hot vampire.

"Hey, focus! You're not paying attention." Oh but I was. He looked a bit disappointed. Shit. Focus. Imagine it's mister Varner teaching you. There. Better.

"Sorry, carry on." I smiled innocently.

The boar had used his distraction and ran into the forest. Jasper tracked it and I followed, but by the time I caught up, he had already killed it. He was probably a bit annoyed that I had been drifting off mid lesson. If only he knew. I had to say I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't know. Sure he would react differently. He held up the boar to me, and I accepted. After drinking for a couple of minutes I pulled away and he discarded the cadaver.

"Continue the lesson or stop?" he asked. I wondered if he was still displeased with my bad student behavior.

"I'm sorry Jazz, I'm a bit tired. Can we just stay here and talk for a while?" I wanted to just discuss life's little things with him, the way we used to, without the tension and the embarrassment. So we did just that and I was at ease. We talked about some of my teachers that he used to have some twenty year ago, we talked about new books in his collection, about the trip to Asia that they had cancelled but was still on the to do list, about graduation and Josh and prom night. He asked if he could teach me how to dance. I would be happy with being pressed against Josh without actually dancing, but since I had ruined Jasper's teaching fun before, I complied and tried to be enthusiastic about it.

He took me to the cabin in the woods, where he put on some music. It was dad's favorite music and therefore not contemporary, but it would have to do.

He cleared some space in the living room and stood in the middle, holding his finger up warningly "no giggling. An no fantasizing about Josh either."

"Yes, sir" I said mockingly. He laughed, and than bowed like a gentleman asking the lady's hand for a dance, guiding me to the "dance floor". I was a bit nervous being so close to him, which was ridiculous, he had piggy backed me many times and had held me crying as well, sure dancing would be no worse. A small voice in my head said: but that was before…

He misread my apprehension and said "relax, you won't hurt me if you step on my feet, and I won't let you fall."

He's a bit taller than me, approximately the same height as Josh. He put my arms over his shoulders, around his neck, and placed his hands at my waist. There was distance between us, so I could look down at our feet and memorize the steps. He first showed me the moves at half speed, and then made me join, repeating a few times. It seemed easy enough. Once I got the steps right, we tried to double the rhythm. At first I stumbled a bit, but he indeed didn't let me fall, and after a while I got the hang of it. I was really proud and he said "I like it when you feel all happy like this." I smiled thankfully.

Now I knew the moves, there was no reason to continue dancing, but neither of us made a move to break apart. I told myself I wanted practice, otherwise I would forget the steps right away. I didn't need to look at our feet anymore, so he closed the distance between us. My arms were wrapped around his neck and I rested my head on his shoulder. His arms embraced me, his cheek against my head.

Very slowly, hardly observable, he pressed me closer to his chest. I pretended not to notice and kept my breath even.

He whispered in my ear "you feel so warm," and lowered his face to my neck. I convinced myself the shivers running down my entire body were caused by his cold skin. My heart sped up and I intertwined my fingers in the hair on his neck, pulling him closer as well. What was wrong with me?

I chose not to answer and relished in the feel of his nose and lips skimming my neck. He smelled so good.

Somewhere in my haze, I noticed we had stopped dancing, he stood frozen, holding me locked. As if I needed a lock to keep me here.

He lifted his head carefully so we stood cheek to cheek, his icy cold and mine burning.

He breathed "God Ness, you have _no_ idea what you're doing to me, feeling like that."

My heart skipped a few beats and was now thumping loudly in my chest. It was obvious that he was fighting to keep control and I was absolutely sure that, if he should lose, kissing would not be the only crime committed. And as my mind softly said "don't do it", my body screamed otherwise.

He lifted his head further, his forehead pressed against mine, noses touching, and his hands slid to my hips, holding me firmly. Tomorrow there would be bruises, but right now I couldn't care less.

His lips were so close, my tongue moistened my lips instinctively.

Suddenly he lifted his gaze, golden eyes piercing mine, and I was lost...

Kissing a vampire was not how I expected it to be. How I had dreamed it. I thought he would feel cold and hard, but his skin felt so soft against me, and his lips were warmed by my lips.

He broke the kiss and pressed his head into my hair, inhaling deeply. Josh could drive me crazy too, but I have never felt such passion in my entire life, as in that moment, it was mind blowing.

Next thing I knew, he was gone.

Out of the door, into the forest.

I was completely dazed, no idea what had just happened. I managed to stumble through the small cabin to the bed, totally bewildered. I flopped down on my back and closed my eyes. Gradually my heart rate slowed and my breath evened out.

Nobody has ever had this effect on me, and my body, with just a look. And then that kiss…

I woke up from my reverie by my cell buzzing.

"Hi Jake" My voice sounded a bit unsteady.

"Hey Ness. Jazz called me to say I had to pick you up at the cabin. He sounded… Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Why isn't he there with you?"

"He ran."

"He ran? From what?" I thought about the answer for a second.

"From temptation." Now Jake was silent, I wondered if he was still there.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No, I'm fine, don't worry."

"Want me to come over?"

"Yeah okay."

"See you in ten."

As my daze was wearing off, I realized what I had done, I had cheated on my boyfriend, who I loved with all my heart, with a vampire that was not free to take. I had kissed him, and loved it too, and I had to admit that I would have given myself instantly, if he had wanted me.

I was a horrible girlfriend.


	30. Chapter 30 Attraction

**Chapter thirty: Attraction**

**JPOV**

**April 20**

I drove to the cabin in the woods, not knowing what to expect. All I knew was that Jasper had run from temptation. He had been tempted to do what? Kiss her? Bite her? Or worse? Why was the thought so much more painful with Jasper than with Josh? Jasper who was just her friend and Josh who got to have all of her. I didn't know. I think because Josh is a human, 17-year-old, high school boy. Her being with him made more sense than her being with me, a 34-year-old shape-shifting car mechanic. It was something natural for her to do, to feel, and I would let her have it. Jasper on the other hand… He was a 200-year-old vampire, a happily married one, several times. It didn't make sense. And it hurt so much more. Why him, and not me?

When I entered the cabin, I could smell her desire.

Knowing that he could feel it and smell it, I could understand what kind of temptation he had been in.

I felt it too.

My inner wolf was awake, and hadn't been calmed down for months.

But I was sure she would tell me all about her feelings and thereby rip my wolf to pieces.

I lay down beside her on the bed, like a convicted on death row. Scared shitless.

We were silent for a long while, I didn't ask and was not strong enough to take her hand in mine.

At last she sighed and said "Do you think it's possible to be in love with two persons at the same time?"

First piece ripped off. This was even worse than expected. Now she was in love with him? A traitor tear escaped my eye and I prayed she wouldn't look up at my face. I had to detach myself. She needed her friend. Did I think it was possible? Certainly. I knew first hand.

"Yes". She was silent again, thinking this over.

"But it's not right, how can such a feeling be sincere and true if it's not… exclusive."

"I don't know, but it does happen, even with the purest of loves."

"Have you ever been in love with two women?"

"Yes... And it was genuine, for both of them." Thin ice.

"I don't think I'm in love with him. It's not like I miss him when he's not around. Not the way I miss Josh. I even miss you more."

"Gee thanks."

"You know what I mean." Yup, I definitely do. And another tear. Don't break down now. She doesn't think she's in love. Maybe it's not so bad.

"It's nothing compared to what I feel for Josh. But what happened this afternoon is not … nothing. God, this doesn't make sense!"

What happened? Focus. Dammit. She wants me to reassure her she only loves Josh.

"You're only attracted to Jasper." I stated. I welcomed the numbness I started to feel. That's it, detach.

"Yes. But I like him too. Being attracted, that sounds so cheap."

"So he is your friend _and_ you're attracted to him. It doesn't mean love, and it's not necessarily cheap."

What me and Leah shared, had started as chemistry and never felt ordinary of vulgar.

"How so?"

"Physical attraction… can also be raw, and pure, and natural."

She nodded and sighed "and dangerous."

"With a vampire, yes" I smiled a little.

"This is so wrong. Josh… And Alice. I am so horrible." And me…

"You're not horrible. You're human. And your situation is far from normal, too. And he's an empath. " I didn't know what happened, but I couldn't believe that she was horrible.

"It's no excuse. I am awful, deplorable, terrible… We kissed, and then he ran. But if he had wanted more…"

Another piece ripped away, another tear on the pillow. Still, I couldn't believe she was horrible. Jasper on the other hand…

I was far from detached right now, and there was no way I was the right person to comfort her after kissing him.

"I don't want to see him, or Alice right now. Can't I stay here tonight?"

And again I picked up the pieces of my shattered heart and did what this girl wanted me to do, this girl that would surely be the death of me.

"I'll take you to LaPush where there's food in the fridge and a couch for me to sleep on."

"Thanks Jake. Have I told you lately you're the best?"

"Sure sure."

As soon as I had put her to sleep, I went outside and called Jasper.

"We need to talk, Jazz." I said harshly.

I heard him saying something to whoever he was with, then some rustling, and then "I'm alone now, how is she?"

"Sleeping." I had to refrain myself from shouting at him for kissing my imprint. He knew better than that. And he loved Alice. I tried to be understanding though, he had felt and smelled her desire, I would go crazy in his place too.

"I don't know what happened Jacob, I feel totally miserable."

"Good."

"I'm sorry."

"I won't say it's alright. I do understand. Thanks for running, I guess." I know I couldn't have run off if she wanted me, had to give him that.

"How does she feel? Is she hurt? I would never forgive myself. Here I am, always trying to protect her, only to realize the most dangerous creature she needs protecting from is myself."

"She's not hurt, she's confused and feels guilty towards Josh and Alice."

"_She_ feels guilty? What for? It was all me."

"It takes two to kiss. And she is ashamed of what she felt, don't pretend you're not aware of that."

"I'm confused by what she felt… I've been getting these strange vibes from her lately. She's… lustful. A lot. Must be Josh's effect. I live around horny vampires, and wolf, but it never gets to me like that. I guess humans smell differently…"

Did he mean he didn't even know she desired him? But he needed to know. We had to make some rearrangements.

"She's got a crush on you, Jazz. That's what you felt."

"She what?"

"You heard me."

"That was a long time ago Jake, she hasn't felt that way about me for years."

"Than you haven't been paying attention. She fell for you again. This time differently. In a more mature way."

"No way."

"Believe me, I would _not_ make that up."

"No, I guess not. That would explain a lot. Shit." Jasper cursing was a rarity. He really had no idea she had a thing for him. He just got aroused by her "vibes", being an empath with a sensitive nose, and he got tempted. And she was just a teenager lusting for her mentor figure. It all seemed innocent enough. I was extra thankful that he had run. He could have easily taken advantage of her. Good that he loved Alice so much.

"Jake, are you still there?"

"Yup."

"I'm sorry, this must suck for you. Are you going to tell Alice?"

"That's not my job. But I don't think Ness would appreciate if all Cullens knew."

"I wasn't planning on telling her. Damn, I always gave you a hard time to feel that way around her, but you've got some self control. Respect man."

"It's not that hard, she doesn't want me." It's hard anyway.

"Yet."

"Whatever."

"Still, all that cuddling all the time. She has no idea what she does."

"I know."

"So what do we do now? I suppose she's staying over because she doesn't want to see me?"

"Sort of. Better call her tomorrow and tell her not to make too big a deal of it. She's a teenager so all for the drama."

"Will do."

"And maybe it would be best if I would take care of the rides from now on. You could monitor her everywhere, but I would bring her. So you can avoid each other for a while. Till things cool down."

"And so you could spend more time with her?"

"Or let another vampire do it, whatever, I'm trying to help here."

"I know, I'm sorry. I think that's a good idea. I'll miss her. She's absolutely amazing. But I don't want to hurt her."

"That's settled then. Thanks."

"Alright."

"Jazz?"

"Yes?"

"In avoiding I mean physically. You should probably call her as much as you can, because she will miss you too."

I can't believe I just said that. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't endure for her, is there?

****

**AN: Please let me know what you think. I am very curious :)**


	31. Chapter 31 Summary

**Chapter thirty one: Summary**

**NPOV**

**April 21**

I woke up in the middle of the night, disorientated, got up to get some water and found Jake on the couch. He was still awake, clearly the couch was too small for him. It took a lot of persuasion, but I succeeded, stubborn as I am, to switch sleeping places. I nestled on the couch, smelling his familiar scent on the pillow while he tucked me in and I immediately fell asleep again.

This morning I got up, put on some coffee and started making breakfast. I didn't bother waking Jake, knowing it would be a lost cause. When breakfast was ready however, somehow the smell most have lured him to the kitchen, because he appeared in the doorway, in boxers with sleepy eyes and bed hair.

"Morning sunshine" I greeted laughing, as I poured him a cup with two sugars. He just grunted and sipped the coffee, while giving me a wink. I filled a plate with a pile of bacon and eggs and placed it in front of him. He smiled, got up from his seat to pull me into a hug while he said "Please move in with me". I cracked up. "Sorry, taken."

"Bring him too, I don't care, as long as you make food like this." He answered, stuffing his mouth.

"I forgot. I was supposed to go see Josh this afternoon." I wasn't ready to face him. And my babysitter. As if he read my mind he said "me and Jasper have agreed that I, or another Cullen, would drive you around from now on. For a while."

"I'd rather it be you. But how about the monitoring?"

"He still has to monitor, but you don't have to see him for that." I didn't want him monitoring today either.

"Hmm. I'll cancel Josh today. I'm not in the mood anyway. Can I stay here?"

"Sure sure."

I texted Josh that I was staying in LaPush today, helping out at the rez, which I planned to do, and that I would see him tomorrow at school. I wasn't ready to hear his voice, afraid I would burst to tears because of all the guilt and shame I felt.

Before I could put my phone away again, it buzzed. Jasper calling, shit. I looked at the screen, but Jake motioned for me to answer the call, and he left the kitchen towards the bathroom.

"Hey Jazz." I instantly started blushing again.

"Hi Nessie. Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm in LaPush."

"I know. Listen, I want to have an honest talk about what happened, are you up for that?"

"Um… sure?"

"It's awkward, I know, but I believe necessary if we want to stay friends. Do you still want me to be your friend?"

"Yes." I didn't want to lose Jasper over this stupid crush, I care too much about him.

"Alright, I'll talk and you correct me if I'm wrong. And I'll start at the beginning, because yesterday had to come from somewhere. The beginning is me being your friend and trying to be some sort of coach, tutor maybe. And you who admired me, the way a pupil does sometimes. I liked that. I wanted you to look up to me, I wanted to be your great example. It's silly, but you made me feel important. So I dragged you along with me all of the time. I should have given you some rest from my gift, you were forced to be close with me because of the monitoring, you had no choice."

"I wasn't forced to be with you at home" I corrected.

"No, you wanted to be. I liked that too." He said softly, and I could imagine his face with a warm smile.

"But then there came some sort of chemistry between us. I felt awkward intruding into your sexual exploration, with Josh, and at night. I got confused. There were times at night where I could have left the house, only I didn't. I only realized yesterday that you felt that chemistry too. That you were attracted to me. Thinking back, I believe I know where it started. You were avoiding me, and even without Josh near, you emitted a desire that swept me away. I didn't know why. But naturally it confused me even more. And smelling you…"

I groaned.

"You don't have to be ashamed about feeling what you felt... You can't help it, I'm just that hot."

I burst into laughter at that, always a sense of humor, even in the most peculiar situations.

"Okay, maybe not. But it happens, pupils fall for their mentors all the time, and vampires are designed to entice humans. You can't change what you feel, I do believe you tried."

"Uhuh."

"But you were never out of line. You kept your distance, you were the smart one. I was out of line. On several occasions. I teased you a lot about your feelings. And that one time in the car… I'm sure you remember, I was definitely out of line then."

I clearly recalled how he had playfully thrown me a wave of lust to have a little fun with me, which had left me with soaked panties at the verge of jumping him. "I remember."

"Boy that smell… I was tempted then too. I should have stayed away more. You knew there was chemistry by then, I didn't realize. Like I said, you were the smart one. I'm totally tuned in on everybody's feelings and I can't decipher my own. Some gift. And then yesterday, well, we both know what happened… I hope I didn't scare you."

"I wanted to as well…" I whispered.

"You mustn't feel guilty. When a vampire chooses to be charming, humans can't win. Although I believe I wasn't exactly charming, more threatening."

"You were more dangerously sexy."

He cracked up and I laughed along, only I had meant it.

"So making a long story short: in my fanatical attempt to make you admire me, I must have dazzled you along the way. And you were unfortunately not able to hide your attraction from my gift. I got totally confused, and may have crossed some lines, well, yesterday I definitely did. And I'm sorry for that. But I truly hope we can still be friends. I'll keep my distance till you're undazzled and I get my confusion straightened out. How does that sound to you?"

"It sounds like an accurate summary, and hearing it like that makes it seem… not so bad. I really want to stay friends too. I didn't seek your company because of the dazzling."

"I know. So I have one more awkward question."

"Shoot."

"Do you think you are falling in love with me?"

I almost choked at his directness. But he had been so honest, he deserved to know what I thought.

"Um… no, I don't think so. I thought about this yesterday after you left." I didn't mention Jake helped me with that "and I believe you are to me a really close friend, whom I admire, and whom I am happen to be attracted to."

"So it's just physical? Right now absolutely no dazzling?"

"None what so ever" I smiled.

"Good, that means we can be phone buddies. I would really hate having to leave you alone all together. Even if it's just for a while."

We promised to phone each other regularly, and be honest about this chemistry thing, to avoid further line crossing in the future.

I was relieved we had talked. He didn't make it hard on me, and I didn't feel so guilty anymore. I was a just teenage girl suffering from a little crush on her mentor, it could happen to anybody.


	32. Chapter 32 Favorite

**Chapter thirty two: Favorite**

**JPOV**

**April 21**

After the first shock was wearing off, for both of us, we decided to go to the beach today, let the wind clear our heads. We walked the shore for hours in silence, holding hands, comforting each other with this gesture alone. She didn't know I needed the comfort, but I took it anyway. I poured strength out of the fact that she wanted to spend this miserable day with me, let me see her at her worse.

Because showing someone you love shame and guilt is definitely more difficult than showing heartbreak. When I was ashamed for hurting Leah, I hadn't wanted to see anybody. So I was thankful she let me in.

After the quiet walk, we bought some sandwiches and sat down on a log of driftwood on the beach. She said she wasn't ready for school, to face Josh tomorrow. She would call in sick. Ness never was sick, but teachers didn't know that, human kids are sick all the time. She would call Josh tonight and let him know. And spend this night on my couch as well in order to avoid running into Jasper. She blushed at every mention of his name, and I wanted to hurt him bad for making her feel that way about him. Of course he hadn't _made_ her feel it, in fact, their conversation this morning, which I naturally heard with wolf ears, had calmed her down a great bit. He had been understanding, and diplomatic, and had taken all the blame. A true gentlemen indeed, I mentally snorted.

After the pick nick we went back home, to play board games. She still looked sad, but now and then, that beautiful smile of hers appeared, and I cherished it every second it lasted.

She didn't bring her logbook, but we performed the tests that didn't require Carlisle's equipment, and noted them down on a piece of paper. She said that now she started to notice differences in her senses, hearing, vision and smell. It scared her. Not just for losing Josh, but more for losing parts of herself. For the first time, we had an open discussion on how we both felt about her transformation. Losing her humanity scared me too, her smell, her heartbeat, her soft and warm skin, all things I loved about her. If I was honest, I wanted her to stay human too, but didn't want her to give up on eternal life, and on her family, without decent thought. As long as I was still phasing, I didn't age. If she would stay human, I could chose to stop phasing and grow old with her. That is if she wanted me around.

She honestly had no clue what to do, she only knew she was not ready yet to make this choice, and therefore wanted to stop the transformation. If she were to stay human, she could always be turned later, when she was ready. She had a point, I was glad she had seriously considered all options and was not just following her love clouded feelings. However, I pointed her out, there was no such thing as "staying" human, more choosing to become either human or vampire. Venom was in her blood as we speak, had been all her life, and choosing human life would mean losing the venom and that may change her too. It might for instance become dangerous for her to be around her vampire family. It was clear she never considered that. She also reassured me she would definitely not risk her life in some wacko experiment, but she was interested in talking to that medicine man in the Amazon, since he was the only one that could maybe tell her something about her transition.

When the evening fell, I left her alone to call Josh in privacy while I went to get some take out junk food. In the mean time I also texted Jasper to ask what the other Cullens knew exactly. He answered he had told them him and Ness had had a fight, after he had been teasing Ness too much, that it was his fault and that she didn't want to see him for a while. Thereby explaining the new driving arrangements. I called Edward to confirm this story and tell him I would keep her in LaPush another night. I could see when I got back home that Ness was not entirely pleased with her own conversation, but I didn't ask, and we ate our fries in silence.

We decided to watch a movie, she chose some chick flick and snuggled up against me on the couch. There was no physical tension in the air, thank god, she'd had enough of that, only sweetness. I was so overflowing with affection for this vulnerable girl in my arms, my girl, that I almost forgot she had hurt me. Almost.

Nearing the end of the movie, she started to yawn more often, so when it was over I tried to peel her off me, to let her sleep. I thought she had practically drifted off, but then she curled her fingers into my shirt and whispered "No, don't go yet. Hold me a bit longer."

So naturally I did. I held her and send her all the love I had for her.

"I like being snuggled up against you. Your smell is so familiar, and you're warm. My wolf…" Your wolf indeed…

I didn't know what to say, the only words that passed my mind, were the words I was not allowed to say. I love you, I love you, I love you…

So I gently stoked her hair, and held her close.

She murmured "I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I told you yesterday you were the best. Just so you know I was serious. You are my favorite person in the whole world."

She was tired and emotional, but there was no doubt that she had meant it. And that's how she just healed my heart again, no more ripped pieces, just one big heart beating just for her.

In that moment I didn't care who she slept with, or what vampires she kissed. I was her favorite person.

And I was suddenly happy.

********

**AN: And so am I :-) I hope you are too. Let me know!**


	33. Chapter 33 Voices

**Chapter thirty three: Voices**

**NOV**

**April 22**

I woke up receiving a text message from Jasper "I need to see you. Meet me outside." My stomach made a back flip. I instantly forgot what we had agreed, forgot about Josh and Alice, and put on my shoes to go outside. Jake wouldn't wake up. That takes a lot more. Jasper stood there, leaning against a three, in a fake nonchalant manner. He looked so incredibly irresistible.

Neither of us smiled, he looked me deep in the eyes and I knew there was no turning back.

He motioned for me to climb on his back and he ran towards the cabin. Once inside he closed the door and pressed me against it with his hard body. His lips traced my neck and he whispered "I want you…".

I couldn't think anymore. If I couldn't resist a text message, there was no way I could resist him in real person, not while the desire for this sexy vampire was rushing through my veins. My hands went to his hair and I pulled his face towards me.

When his lips touched mine there was no voice in the back of my head telling me this was wrong, it simply wasn't there. And this feeling for sure wasn't wrong, how could it be?

"Do you want me too?" he asked hoarsely.

"You can feel I do" I answered, wanting more of his kiss.

Another mind blowing kiss swept me off my feet. Almost literally, he held me up in his arms and carried me to the bed.

Before I knew it all my clothes were gone and he was ravishing me, kissing me and stoking me everywhere, he was rough and tender at the same time, and I was overwhelmed. This vampire experience was more than my human heart could take. And he had only just begun. When all of his attention was concentrated on my burning center, I almost exploded instantly. I was in total bliss, limb on the bed, completely at his mercy. I wanted to be writhing and squirming, because he definitely made me feel like squirming, but as the waves of multiple orgasms kept crashing over me, all I could do was lay there motionless, breathing his name "Jasper, oh Jasper".

Somewhere along the way his clothes were discarded too, and he hovered over me. Now I had what I had wished for: I was his pray and he was chasing me. Devouring me. I was too far gone to understand the things he whispered in my ear as he entered me. This vampire was insatiable, he was filling me in the most glorious ways, showing me fireworks over and over again.

I could feel his release nearing as his movements became more rough and erratic. He growled against my ear, as he pumped deep inside and his teeth bit my neck. He hadn't used force, but it was enough to pierce my skin and send a flash of pain through me. As in my dream, I was hit with a final orgasm, the pleasure and pain were hardly discernible. I was utterly spent.

He lapped at my wound, tasting my blood while closing it with his venom, his hands gently caressing all of my sweaty body. I opened my eyes and looked at him with an ecstasy clouded vision.

"Can you walk to the shower?"

I shook my head, I don't think I'll ever be able to walk again. He chuckled softly and carried me to the shower, where he washed me tenderly.

Then he brought me back to LaPush. Jake was still sound asleep, and I crawled back under the cover on the couch.

It was only then that the wrongness of it all hit me. There was no taking it back. I had ruined everything.

How did I think I could get away with this? They would smell, they would find out. And when they did, I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye again, any of them.

And Josh… I loved him so much, why didn't that stop me from this disgrace?

And even if nobody ever found out, I would have to lie to the only person that knew all my secrets, and nothing would ever be the same again. I would never be in his arms again, the way I was last night. I didn't deserve his kindness. My wolf…

I was silently crying, tossing and turning, trying to find some sleep.

Until I felt two strong hands gently shaking me. From somewhere far away I heard "Ness, wake up, Ness, I got you some breakfast."

Apparently I did manage to fall asleep along the way. My hand shot to my neck, where Jasper had bit me. But I could feel nothing. I got up quickly, without soreness, and went to the mirror to check my neck, I saw nothing.

Suddenly I was hit with a wave of relief. I hadn't ruined everything. It had all been a dream. Damn. I never had a dream that felt _this_ real.

And I don't think I have ever been so relieved before, although it faded slightly as I saw Jake at the kitchen table watching me with an amused look on his face. He motioned for me to sit down, a bowl of cereal was waiting, when he asked "Had a good sleep, Ness?". He added a wink to add to my mortification.

I bent my head over my food, saying softly "Great. You heard…"

"You inherited Bella's gift to talk in you sleep so yes. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I do have wolf ears."

"Fuck" I muttered.

"Is that what it was?"

"Not helping Jake, shut up."

Just fucking great. I started shoving the food in my mouth without looking up.

"Relax, it could be worse you know."

"Like how?"

"You could have been humping a pillow whispering "Jasper oh Jasper" at home with your vampire family." He grinned.

My eyes grew wide, and my mortification arose even more.

"I can't go home and risk that. I would die. Please let me stay here for a while."

*******

**AN: I bet I shocked you all a little with that dream! ;-)**


	34. Chapter 34 Different

**Chapter thirty four: Different**

**JPOV**

**April 22 (Monday)**

That dream of hers would have hurt me. If I hadn't still been on a high after hearing I was her favorite person.

Just before I woke her up I heard her muttering "My wolf…" and I could have skipped through the house. I didn't. It would look ridiculous. But I was in a happy place. Jazz is one sexy vampire alright, but I'm her favorite. I felt like whistling, but I didn't, because she would think my joy came from making fun of her and her wet dream. Man that girl has some fantasy. That, or the internet is ruining her virtue.

Another reason for my happy mood is that I get to spend another day with her. And that she wants to stay longer at LaPush.

I wanted to do something fun with her today. Get her mind off things. But first I will tease her some more. Evil, I know, but she's so beautiful when she blushes.

"So Ness, why did you grab your neck when you woke up? He surely hasn't bitten you again in your dream, has he?"

Blush alert. Gotcha.

"You've got some biting fetish. Better talk to doctor Carlisle about that."

Ouch. Flying spoon alert.

"Go ahead Jake. Be a jerk. Sticks and stones, I'm in a happy mood too."

"Who wouldn't be after such a satisfying night."

Kick under the table. Angry Ness is cute too.

"I meant that I was relieved it was just a dream, it was very realistic, and I thought I had ruined everything."

"Yeah, sounded realistic to me too. I had to check if you were actually alone."

Another kick. As if she could hurt me by kicking. So cute.

"Hmm, I wonder who's the babysitter here." She said crossly.

"You're right Ness. Sorry." I grinned. "Just can't help it. You're too easy. What do you want to do today?"

"Don't you have to work?"

"Nope. I'm all yours." In more ways than you can imagine.

"I'll think about it. Let me take a shower first."

Just one more. "Make it a cold one. Ouch." I rubbed the back of my head, but listened happily to her laughter as she left the kitchen.

My phone rang, and I was astonished to see Leah's name. How long has it been since we "broke up"? How long since that party? Two weeks.

I took a deep breath, swallowed hard and answered.

"Hello Leah."

"Hi Jake."

"What's up?" Leah doesn't ever call for small talk, especially not now.

"Um… I have some news. I don't know if it's good news or bad news to you, but I thought you should hear it from me."

"You're making me curious."

"I'm leaving LaPush. And the pack."

"What? When? Where? Why?" I blurted shocked.

"Next week. Seattle. I'm moving in with Alec. The one you saw at Embry's." Mister handsome. The one that was just a date. Just a person she brought because she didn't want to face the pack alone. The one that came second after me. So she said.

"Still there Jake?"

"Yes. Wow. Um. Congratulations?"

"You don't have to be happy for me."

"I'm trying. I mean… isn't it a little soon?"

"I didn't call to be judged by you." She spat. Bitchy. I knew her and I knew this tone really meant 'please don't hurt me'.

"Calm down Leah. You know I wouldn't judge you. I'm just…"

"Worried. Yeah I know. So is everybody. For years now. I'm sick of it."

"Alright. I'm sorry. I'm sure he's good for you."

"He is." She was in defensive mode. Not in the mood for an honest conversation. But she owed me the truth. I think.

"Are you happy? Do you love him?"

"Don't ask questions like that Jake. I'll be fine." She says she will be, as in the future. Not as in 'I am fine'. I was not convinced.

Maybe I have no right to ask her that. Either she is happy and wouldn't want to rub it in my face, either she isn't and that would hurt the both of us.

"I just hope you're not leaving to get away from me."

"You're not that important." The attitude was annoying me.

"Cut the crap Leah, we both know I am. Let me put it differently. I just hope _if_ you are leaving to get away from me, that he is at least good for you."

She sighed. "I think he is."

"If it doesn't work out, you'll be too proud to come back."

"Probably."

"And you won't call me again either."

"Probably not."

"Don't I have the right to know if you finally do find your happily ever after? To know we did the right thing."

"I don't know. What if we didn't?"

"Leah… I need you to keep in touch. Even if it hurts us."

"Okay."

"Promise. Don't disappear on me."

"I promise."

"Good luck then. You deserve it all Leah."

I could tell she was crying. But she needed to know. I didn't want her settling for someone that wasn't worth it. She didn't want to risk giving me her heart, because I might someday leave, but I would have been good for her. So if she gave her heart to somebody else, he had to be there for the long ride and be good for her. Nothing less.

"Goodbye Jacob."

"Goodbye." I whispered. As soon as the connection was closed, I put my head on my arms on the table and sighed deeply.

I was startled when I heard Ness come back in and quickly started to wash the breakfast bowls. I tried to bring back the happy banter mood.

"All cooled down babe?"

"Jake, look at me." She stood before me, with a serious face.

"You don't have to pretend around me. You said that you would turn to me too, if you needed somebody."

"I know, but I don't want to talk about it."

"That's okay. Just don't pretend. Want a hug?"

I could do with a hug, so I let her hold me. It made her feel better, and helped me surprisingly as well.

Having her around twenty four seven made everything different. If I were alone right now, I would beat myself up over Ness falling for Jasper, and Leah leaving. Now I felt like those things were all not so bad, as long as I was her favorite person. She should definitely move in with me.

Nessie decided she wanted to repeat all we did yesterday, which had been a wonderful day. So that's what we did. We made a long beach walk and had a beach pick nick, played board games while having long discussions about everything and nothing, stuffed ourselves with junk food and cuddled on the couch watching a movie. She definitely makes everything different. Life doesn't get any better.

*******

**AN: I love happy Jacob! I can just imagine him skipping around the house. :-D**


	35. Chapter 35 Happy For Me

**Chapter thirty five: Happy for me**

**NPOV**

**April 24 (Wednesday)**

By the time Monday had passed, my personal sunshine had managed to erase all the bad feelings I had left, and I looked forward to seeing Josh again. The guilt that should still be there was not, and I didn't try to bring it back either, it wouldn't help anybody.

When calling him Sunday evening, to say I wouldn't come to school on Monday, he had sounded annoyed. He said he was sorry I was sick and that he would have loved to take care of me, but that he was sure Jake was already doing that. Funny thing is, Jake was doing exactly that, but not because I was sick. Josh had sounded more jealous than concerned, and for all he knew I really was ill, so I got irritated as well. I figured it would all pass as soon as I saw his handsome face on Tuesday, but his face was more angry than sweet, when he noticed that Jake dropped me off at school instead of Jasper.

I couldn't tell him of course that he should be glad about that, that Jasper was the one I had wanted, not Jake. I made up a story about Jasper being on holiday. I knew he was monitoring me somewhere nearby, but he would stay out of sight. It took a lot of sweet talk and charm to lift his mood and make him forget about his hesitance. He wasn't normally a possessive guy, but I could understand how he would get insecure, seeing I was close to at least two very good looking older boys, that didn't mind driving me around town all day. I should be really glad that he never gave me such a hard time about Jasper, because I would have to lie to his face, and that would have been hard. Now I only had to reassure him Jake and I were just close friends, which was entirely the truth. I didn't use the word brother, as it had set him off on several occasions, saying that Jake was _not_ my brother, even though to me he was, sort of.

That evening I thanked Jake for his kindness by making him his favorite food. Spaghetti a la Ness. He was over joyous, which made me joyful as well. Give a wolf enough food and he is as happy as can be.

Wednesday was "homework" day with Josh and we hadn't set our boundaries, which meant that there was a possibility we would be having sex again.

This time I planned to follow Jasper's initial advice and get Josh off first. And I planned to use my internet knowledge for that. It was surprisingly easy. Whatever I did down there with my mouth and tongue, whether it was kissing of licking or sucking, it was all rewarded with the most delicious sounds from his throat. I felt really powerful and I got so caught up in it, that I didn't stop when he warned me, and I sucked him dry, enjoying his grunts and groans, and swallowed without thinking. It didn't taste as bad as I had read on the internet, and we had no mess to clean up.

"God Ness, are you sure you've never done that before?" He was still panting on his back, and I crawled next to him, gleeful.

"I take that as a compliment."

"You should. That mouth of yours is a miracle." I smiled.

I had thought that giving head would be like a task to perform, something you do for the one you love, but I didn't think it would be this much fun. Not to mention arousing like hell. Having his cock in my mouth and seeing my sexy squirming boyfriend moaning had drenched my panties.

His breathing evened, and we started making out, but I could feel that he was a little distracted.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Tell me? Did I do something?"

"No,no. I'm just… I want to make you feel that too, but I have no idea how."

"You don't have to do that, that's not why I did it."

"But I want to, really. I have fantasized about it."

Nobody has ever kissed me down there, not in real life, so I couldn't really tell him how I liked it. In fact, I just wanted to make love to him, and make out until his body was ready for that. But if I told him I didn't want him to do it, he might get more insecure.

"Why don't you try doing it just the way you feel like, that's what I did. Just start softly and I'll let you know what feels good."

If he would enjoy it as much as I had liked sucking him, he would be hard again soon, and then I could ask him to make love to me, before he was pressured to get me off.

He nodded, obviously nervous.

"Pretend it's a kiss, you're an amazing kisser. I'm sure I would like that very much." I said suggestively.

And I did. Boy did I like it! He was a natural.

He started with chaste kisses on my thighs, slowly moving to my center. I was a little shy at first, I was so wet and didn't know if it would taste good to him. But when he started softly kissing every sensitive part of me, moving his smooth lips against me, I lost my inhibitions and opened my legs further.

His soft tongue was slowly twirling and lapping and I instinctively moved my hips against him. As more moans escaped me, his licking became more insistent and his hands roamed over my stomach and breasts. I was glad he was enjoying this. He got me pretty crazy, and when I needed more, I could ask him to enter me with his fingers, but I had a better idea.

I softly pushed his head away from me, and he looked up puzzled. But then I pushed him on his back, and he understood. He was ready for me, and I sure was ready to feel him inside. I lowered myself slowly over him, this time it didn't hurt. Quite the opposite really.

He pulled me down to him and we started kissing passionately while our hips were moving on their own accord. Being filled up like this, holding my loving boyfriend, it was more satisfying than any orgasm I had ever had. I felt complete. And when he came, he didn't apologize. He just held on to me. And we lay there for what seemed like hours, under the covers, wrapped up in each other, whispering sweet things. I was so in love.

In the car ride back to LaPush I didn't have to say anything. Jake just smirked and said "look at you, all flustered like that, someone's had a good time." I smiled back, and my grin grew even wider reading a text from Jasper "I'm so happy for you." I was happy for me too.


	36. Chapter 36 Empty

**Chapter thirty six: Empty**

**JPOV**

**April 24, Wednesday**

I was aware of what she had been up to this afternoon, and I wasn't so much hurt about it. I would tolerate Josh, he made her happy, how could I oppose? I just tried not to think too deeply about the things he did exactly, that made her this happy. I just enjoyed the fact that she would be coming home to me. Home. I could get used to that.

She decided she wanted to cook for me again, so we went to the supermarket. I loved doing the homey stuff with her too.

And then it happened.

I don't know what caused it, was it the smell from the butchers counter, or was it the crowd of humans in the shop, but she suddenly was hit with bloodlust.

Luckily she recognized it, and I brought her home immediately, but she gave me a scare anyway. I went back to the shop to buy some bloody steaks, hoping that they would quench her thirst.

When we had finished dinner, it had subsided a bit, but her throat was still slightly burning. So I phased and caught her some weasels to drain.

While she was drinking, I called Jasper, asking if there had been any thirst this afternoon. And he dryly answered "not for blood no." I didn't need that mental image and ignored his comment, explaining what had happened. We all knew she needed to hunt with the vampires. And she needed Carlisle's equipment for the daily measuring. And she needed her family around too. However perfect our situation had been for me, there were lots of things I couldn't provide her.

I knew it wouldn't last. Things that were too perfect never lasted.

So we agreed that Jasper and Alice would move into the cabin for a while, and Ness could go back home. Her real home.

Alice was not happy about this, the cabin was far from luxurious, and could definitely not contain all of her clothes. She found that this "fight" between Jasper and Ness should be reconciled. But others didn't ask questions, they knew Nessies stubbornness and always gave her her way. Alice eventually complied, letting Jasper know _he_ could spend all his time in the cabin, but _she_ would not stay away from Ness because of _their_ row. We also agreed that whoever was free at the moment would be driving Ness to school, but apparently Josh did not appreciate different boys picking her up, so Esme would perform most taxi duties from now on, starting tomorrow evening.

That night we finished her homework in the couch, and I let her choose the movie. I wouldn't be watching the screen anyway. Instead I watched her face as she was fully immersed in the love story, and I treasured every minute she was home with me, knowing it had come to an end.

We spend evenings together at the Cullens too, but it was nowhere near the same as having her here with me, alone.

I pulled her closer to me, never wanting to let go again. I made little curls in her already curly hair with my fingertips, occasionally touching the soft skin on her neck. I kept myself from kissing that skin.

She believed I was intently watching the movie and that would give me away. That would give a lot away. I wondered how much longer I would be able to hide my true feelings for her.

As her laugher rang through the apartment, my heart made little jumps, and when a tear rolled down her cheek, I softly wiped it away with my thumb. When the movie came to an end, she nestled closer to me, sighing happily and telling me again how she loved my warm hugs. My happiness however was overcast by the ending of her stay. I was happy in a sad way, if that's possible. It was ironic that I had to be thankful for Jasper kissing her, as it had given me this gift of having her close for a week.

As she slept on my couch for the last time, I lay awake listening to her breathing. It was soothing me, but pulling me at the same time. I wanted to pick her up, keep her close, feeling her breath against me. I should have closed my door and go to sleep, but I have always been a glutton for sweet torture.

On Thursday morning I brought her to school and felt immensely blue driving back home.

Although she had also been away during daytime the two previous days, this time, my apartment felt unbearably empty.

I should have been catching up on sleep, but couldn't stay in that deserted place, and I went downstairs to throw myself at my work again.

I knew I had let me get too attached. It was never meant to last. It was some sort of beautiful make belief, and I had enjoyed believing it. But coming down to reality, knowing that she didn't belong to me and that she dreamed of someday coming home to Josh, it hit me full force with loneliness.

I caught myself counting the hours till I could see her again. I was simply too addicted. Just a few months ago I had found out first hand that suffocating her had the wrong effect and when I kept my distance, she would come to me eventually.

So I forbid myself to head to Forks, and I would wait until she called me to come over. Her family deserved some time with her too after all, and she would be busy doing measuring and hunting anyway.

Thursday passed, and so did Friday and eventually Saturday...

Three days of not seeing her. Three days of agony and desolation. She broke my heart again, never even knowing she had it in the first place. She did call me sometimes, but never asked me over. She was kept busy by Alice who insisted on making her prom dress, and by hunting lessons from Bella and Edward.

I felt much worse than I had before, now I had tasted my piece of heaven.

And for the first time in her existence, the thought of leaving her crossed my mind. Of starting a life somewhere else, without the hurt and the reminder of what I can't have. Just like Leah had…

Leah now had everything I needed so bad. Somebody to kiss goodnight and wake up next to in the morning. I hoped she never needed to be lonely again. But I also hoped she still cared about me. She was the one person that had ever loved me. I needed to believe she still did somewhere deep inside…

*********

**AN: I am really sorry I made Jake sad again. And I am very interested in your views on this chapter, because there are some things in here that are important to me. So let me know what you think...**

**For all of you who are just dying to see him getting the girl, I will post an alternative oneshot this weekend. It's called "I miss how we used to". It's not the true story line, it's a separate piece, but I hope you will all like it anyway. Stay tuned!**


	37. Chapter 37 Prom

**Chapter thirty seven: Prom**

**NPOV**

**April 27, Saturday**

Back at home, I missed Jake.

Last week had been spent in comfortable companionship. But I believe I had kept him from his work, because he didn't come over the remaining part of the week. I was not hurt or offended, I knew how busy an alpha must be sometimes, and I had plenty of distractions myself. Alice was going out of her way, making me the most gorgeous dress, and Carlisle was enthusiastically turning me inside out, as by now all parameters of my vampire-ness had started to change. Hehe, Vampire Ness.

At last the prom night was there, and the females had groomed me all day, I was so relieved when Esme had finally dropped me off at Josh's place.

Could somebody die of over-grooming? I now believed so.

Josh lived relatively close to the prom location, so we would walk the distance.

When he opened the door, his eyes twinkled in admiration, and I had to admit I was grateful that all polishing efforts had paid off.

He put his arm protectively around me as we started the short walk.

"Like my dress? Jasper's girlfriend Alice has made it for me."

"I love your dress, you are stunning." He pulled me close for a kiss on my lips.

"Hey! Watch the makeup!"

"I'm going to be kissing you a lot this evening, so best get rid of the makeup right away." He smiled at me sweetly.

"Can you believe she managed to finish this dress in only two days?"

"Wow! Why the rush though? I asked you to prom like ten days ago."

"I know. I thought I had enough suitable dresses but Alice wanted me to have a new one, and the first part of this week I spent in LaPush."

"You were staying over with Jake? Why?"

Oh, right, he didn't know that. Woops. His sweet smile was instantly vanished and he pulled his arm back again.

"Um… things got complicated at home again. There were fights and all…"

"You could have stayed with me. We have a guest room."

"I know but dad would never let me do that."

"But he lets you stay with _him_?" he spat out with contempt and disbelief.

"They've known Jake my entire life. They trust him." I tried to soothe him.

"I don't trust him. And they don't get a chance at getting to know _me_, do they?"

"Please don't be mad Josh." I didn't want to ruin this evening with another fight about Jake. I couldn't see why he was making so much trouble over him.

"Some things just don't make sense here. And on Monday, when you were sick, you were with him too?"

"Yes." I said softly, as I saw that things were dawning on him. Bad things.

"Oh, and Sunday, you cancelled our date. To be with him?!" This was going the wrong way. I felt myself getting irritated, although he didn't deserve that. He had to become suspicious one day, for me not ever brining him home. I tried to be patient as I answered.

"I didn't cancel to be with him. I cancelled because I was devastated by what happened at home that weekend."

"But why haven't you said anything to me about it? You don't trust me?"

"I do, but it was complicated..."

I wish I could have asked him to trust me too. But that would be hypocrite, I wasn't to be trusted, I had proven that kissing Jasper.

He wasn't reassured, not in the least bit.

"So you think I wouldn't have been able to keep up? But not too complicated for a stupid car mechanic?" Now he started to insult Jake, and I had no more control over my anger. Angry Ness is not a nice thing.

"For your information, unlike you, Jake did not ask an explanation, he was just there for me. And don't _ever_ call him stupid again!"

I knew it was low, Josh would have been there for me too, if I had given him a chance, and the reason I had stayed with Jake was because I had betrayed Josh, so I had absolutely no right to take anything out on him. And I also understood that he had his insecurities, but I would not let him be rude about Jake, who had been nothing but good to me.

"If he's always there for you - unlike me - why don't you ask him to prom with you then?"

"Fine. Maybe I will." I turned around to go back, only I had no place to go. Josh didn't follow me. I wouldn't call Jake to tell him what had happened. I didn't want him to know my boyfriend had insulted him and he would only feel guilty that he was the indirect cause of a fight between me and Josh. I wasn't calling any vampires either, to let them know I hadn't even reached prom with my beautiful dress. I walked around a block and sat down on the curb, crying.

After a few minutes a car stopped in front of me, and I heard the window sliding down. I looked up and was surprised to see Jasper.

I forgot about the monitoring. Great. A witness to my beautiful prom night.

"I want to call somebody to pick you up, but I don't know who." He asked worriedly.

"I don't want anybody to know."

"Well you can't stay here, you'll get cold."

"I'll be fine." I sobbed.

He stepped out of the car, handed me the keys and said "here, take the car, it's warm, I'll follow behind."

"Isn't that a little bit ridiculous?"

"No more than waiting for hours on the curb."

I sighed. "I'm in no state for driving."

"Hmmm. Perhaps you're right. But I really can't leave you here. I'm sorry. So either I call someone to pick you up, or you let me drive you away from here."

I thought about that. Although my bitchy side was so angry at Josh I didn't care if I fell for Jasper again, there were other people to think about as well, for instance Alice who had gone out of her way making me this dress, without blaming me once for chasing her out of the house into that cabin.

I think I would be alright though, I was way to devastated to notice any attraction.

"I won't touch you, you can trust me." He said, misunderstanding my hesitation.

"I know, I'm thinking about me."

"I won't let you touch me either. I'm way too fast, you'll never catch me" I chuckled through my tears and decided to get up. I thankfully grabbed his helping hand, this dress was not made for curb sitting.

He drove me to a secluded place, didn't ask what the fight was about.

After parking the car he opened the glove department and took out a stack of books. We both chose one, and sat there reading for hours, the way we always used to do.

Sometimes he looked up at me, concerned, and I would give him a smile and we would continue reading. Josh didn't call me or text me, and I sure wasn't going to do that either. The only thing I had done wrong, was something I couldn't apologize for.

Before Jasper drove me back to the prom location where Esme would pick me up, he helped me clean up my face and remove all tear tracks. He lifted my chin and looked me in the eyes, with nothing but kindness.

"You look beautiful tonight. I'm sorry this had to happen on your prom night. For what It's worth, he was _really_ sorry as soon as you had left. Really genuinely sorry. So I hope you'll forgive him, he's just a boy."

It sounded to me as if he was asking forgiveness for himself as well. So I nodded. I knew I would forgive both of them. And he smiled gratefully.

*********

**NA: Plead read and review.**

**If you like Ness and Jake, you might also like a one-shot I added "I miss how we used to". It is dedicated to SIREN.**

**I am sorry that this story is putting a lot of strain on everybody's patience, I never promised a happy ending, as in real life, things sometimes just get in the way.  
I promise you I love both Ness and Jake, and I'll keep writing till they are both happy. How long that will take, again as in real life, nobody knows :-)**


	38. Chapter 38 Backtracking

**Chapter thirty eight : Backtracking**

**JPOV**

**April 28, Sunday**

After her Prom I figured things would be calmer for her. And she would want to talk about the dance with me. I decided if she would call, I would give in and ask her to come over. But she didn't call. And all the depressing thoughts of the last four days were drumming in my head, it had only been four days, but I was sick with loneliness.

So I picked up the phone and did something stupid. Old habits are hard to break.

"Hello Jacob."

"Hello Leah."

"What's up?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice again. Talk to me. I don't care about what."

She's the only one that can put my weary mind at rest. She used to do it with her body, maybe her voice would be enough now. I had low hopes though.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really. I miss you…"

"I've only been gone for a week, and we didn't exactly have so much contact before, so don't be offended, but I don't believe you."

"I missed you then too. It's harder now, knowing you're so far away. I find myself thinking more and more about you, instead of less."

"Why are you doing this, Jacob? For almost ten years we slept together without all this emotional crap, and now that I choose to stay away, you want to keep me near so bad."

"I want to keep you near because I love you, and that is the exact reason you chose to stay away, so you can hardly call that a coincidence."

"We agreed never to say that again."

"It doesn't matter anymore now."

"It matters to me. It hurts me..."

"Because you still love me too? Or because you feel sorry for me?"

There was silence for a few minutes. I didn't want to hurt her. I shouldn't have called her, but I couldn't let go now.

"I thought about leaving her Leah, starting over like you did."

"You won't be able to stay away."

"I could try."

"See, you can't say things like that to me. You never wanted to leave her for me..."

"You never asked. And you wouldn't have taken the chance if I had."

"Probably not."

"I wonder what he has got that I don't have, for you to take the chance with him. You can never be sure it will last forever."

"Don't be like that."

"I'm not being like that. I just need to know. Promises are never binding. Why him?"

" There is less at stake with him."

"What do you mean?"

"If this doesn't work out, I will live. With you… you have the power to destroy me."

…

"What's he like? Do you feel the same way you did when it was me?"

"How do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Does he make you scream the way I did?" I had no right asking her questions like that. But I obviously liked hurting myself.

"What do you want me to say Jacob? That you were the best I ever had and I'll never have anyone else ever again?"

"Yes. That would be nice."

"Ung, you are impossible! And _so_ not fair. Let me tell you something. Alec loves me and he tells me everyday. He makes me feel like the most fucking precious thing on the planet. He promises to love me for all eternity. Screaming is not on the top of my priority list anymore. But if you're so interested in comparing, ask me again in nine years when it's a fair game."

She had a point. Several actually.

"Maybe I'll love you for all eternity too."

"Maybe. But we both know I'll never be your most precious thing."

"The question is, do you love him?"

"I might."

…

"You have to let me go." She whispered.

"I can't."

Nothing hurts like the truth. I was really pathetic, I knew that, but I couldn't help myself. I started crying. I wanted her to be happy, I never expected it to hurt so much. Ness was with someone else too, but with Ness I held on to the imprint with all my might, trying to trust it will all work out. With Leah I knew I had lost her forever, her and the life that we could have had. And it hurt even more knowing that she really wanted to be with me. Tears streamed over my face and I tried not to make sounds as the sobs shook me.

"Oh Jacob…"

"It's alright. Gotta go now." I managed between sobs.

"I'm coming over."

"What? Don't be ridiculous. It's a four hour drive. I'm fine. I'm sorry."

"I'll phase. Be there in two. Better be home."

Click.

I didn't know whether to be totally ashamed of myself or excited that I would see her again. She still cared about me.

Maybe she's only coming over to kick the shit out of me after that selfish show. I felt like a mean bitch, trying the get my way by crying. But I hadn't faked it. I would have stopped it if I could. I was pathetic enough as it was. And now she was coming over, to comfort me? Leah is not that girl.

The hold-you-when-you-cry girl.

Once the tears had started, they were hard to stop. I cried for different reasons, and let it all out. Once the sobbing subsided, I took a shower. I also cleaned my apartment a bit, removing the evidence of Ness her stay over. Letting her stuff lay around was pathetic too. For instance the blanket in the couch that she had slept in for five nights and that still held her smell.

As the minutes passed, I wasn't sure anymore if I was actually ready to see Leah, I would only picture her in his arms, her soft hands in his blond hair, pulling him closer during passionate nights. I had to distract myself, fresh tears were starting to pool in my eyes.

When she finally arrived, she didn't hesitate. Our lips locked and I forgot all else.

We made desperate love, right there in the hallway, against the wall. If this was comforting-Leah, then she was doing a damn good job. I kissed her wherever I could and I kept whispering "I love you". At first she said "don't" but I answered that I had to and she let me. It had been over six weeks so I didn't last long. But we took it to the bedroom for several more rounds. Somewhere along the way she sighed "He's tender alright, but it takes a wolf to handle a wolf" and I was triumphant.

It was getting dark when she finally said "I have to be heading home". I winced at the word home. It had been the worst word for me this week.

"I'm sorry, Jacob, I don't want to hurt you, but you keep hurting yourself."

"Will you come back?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, I have to give this relationship an honest shot."

"Maybe the chances are higher if he has a wolf's help at satisfying you."

"That's bullshit."

"I know. But what's the point in holding back now, when it's clear that we both want it?"

"Moral reasons maybe?"

"Fuck moral." My self respect was below zero, and I still couldn't let her go. Maybe I never will.

She sighed.

"The day I realize I love him, I won't be back." I'll take whatever I can take until then.

"Okay. The day Ness realizes she loves me, I won't be back either."

"Okay."

I gave one last long kiss before she left the bedroom. I didn't watch her leave.

I noticed on my cell I had four missed calls. From Ness. I quickly pressed redial.

"Hey Jake!"

"Hey Ness. I'm sorry I didn't pick up earlier, I was busy." I tried to sound nonchalant, but if she would ask, I wouldn't lie.

"Had company?" There you go.

"Yes."

"Leah?"

"Yes."

"I thought she moved in with her boyfriend in Seattle?"

"She has. Please don't judge me Ness."

"You know I won't. Just be careful Jake, I don't want you to get hurt."

Way too late for that.

"So how was prom?"

"You know, prom-like."


	39. Chapter 39 Insecure

**Chapter thirty nine: Insecure**

**NPOV**

**June 10, Sunday**

_Five weeks later_

The day after Prom I called Josh. Like Jasper had said he felt really sorry. He admitted I was right for defending my friend and that he should have been more supportive when he found out I had some issues at home. Of course I forgave him, and I told him that I should have trusted him and talked about my problems. That was not entirely true, because the only problems I had, were things I couldn't talk to him about. But I had been extremely busy with finals, and as the weeks flew by, most of my problems were subsiding.

Now finals were over and graduation was in sight, I found myself with too much time on my hands, pondering over the last weeks.

First there was the fight at Prom, well, before Prom really, caused by Josh being jealous. I couldn't tell him the real relationship between me and Jake, meaning the imprint. But after that night he never showed jealousy anymore. Jake didn't give him any reason, as he was once again strikingly absent. He had been there for me the week after the kiss with Jasper, but after that week he kept his distance again. He was busy in his garage and at the rez. Or that's what he told me. I had learned my lesson from last time he was pulling back, and I knew that he really had a hard time letting go of Leah. He was honest about that, but we didn't talk about it too much. He had the right to digest things on his own, but I wouldn't let him loose touch completely, so I tried to call him daily. Another thing I couldn't tell Josh.

My second problem was my crush on Jasper, obviously secret as well. Since prom night, we called each other a lot, but he lived in the cabin for a few more weeks. After that we decided that we would be okay living in the same house. He would not be driving me, or helping me hunt or measuring, but we kept calling each other and the last couple of weeks I would sometimes take a book and sit with him in his study, the way I always had.

There was one embarrassing moment when dad called me on the true reason for my "fight" with Jasper. He said he couldn't read my mind, but that a hundred years of mindreading gave him a lot of insight in human nature. Or vampire nature. So he knew.

I was completely ashamed as I told him the truth. He answered that he wouldn't tell anybody. He was glad Jasper had taken his responsibility by moving out, but wanted me to tell him if things didn't fade, and then me and my parents would move out, in order not to break up the rest of the family. I appreciated his honesty, he was always really protective, but also reasonable. He wouldn't give Jasper a hard time.

My third problem was the only one that was increasing, instead of decreasing, therefore was my most urgent problem. The venom in my blood. In the last month I had been hit several times with bloodlust, and in order to finish my high school education safely - one more week - they took me hunting everyday. I was stronger and faster, and my senses were sharpened. I had to be careful with my teeth, I could bite through skin now. My skin was colder, although still soft.

Josh hadn't noticed yet, but everything was changing faster now, so it was only a matter of time. I was a little more reserved around him, to keep him from picking up on differences. And if I was honest, I was also a little scared that I would crave his blood in the heat of certain moments. I had observed, and so had Jasper, as he texted me teasingly, that I was always more thirsty after hot sex. That is dangerous. My dreams had told me a couple of times that I associated orgasms with biting, Jake had called it a biting fetish once, so I needed to be extra careful.

One week per month, I told Josh I had my period, although I never had, being an infertile half-breed. I felt bad holding back with him, because if I had the choice I would be making love to him all the time, but I was so scared of frightening him or hurting him.

I don't know if he felt my reserve, he never made suspicious remarks anymore, but his insecurities grew and I didn't know how to fix that. If he would find out I was changing and strange things were going on, I had no clue what to tell him. Somewhere in the back of my mind, my hopes were set on the medicine man in the Amazon, to keep me human, or make me human again, and plans were being made for me to go to Brazil over the summer.

It was impossible for all of us to go, Emmett and Rose had told us in a recent video call that two extra visitors was more than enough for the already crazed old man. Candidates in pole position were obviously dad, because I was daddy's girl, Carlisle, for his medical experience, and Jake, because I could need his support. I had a slight preference for Jake, but I couldn't ask him to come, he had to stay with his pack.

I lay on my bed this Sunday afternoon, listening to my IPod, contemplating all these things. When a handsome blond vampire appeared in my doorway, leaning against the post. I removed my earplugs and lifted my eyebrows in a questioning look.

"Well aren't you a bunch of confusion today."

"I'm sorry, I'm probably exhausting you again."

"That's okay. Care to tell me what's on your mind? No other vampire ears around."

We had a long talk. For the first time since the kiss we were in the same room, not reading but paying attention to each other. I talked about all my worries. About how I hoped him and me would become friends again the way we used to be. We were on the right track. There was no tension between us this moment. I told him about why I was holding back with Josh, which he had noticed. And I wanted to know how Josh felt about this.

I was clearly confusing my boyfriend, with the hot and cold act. And although Josh never showed it, Jasper told me that Josh still had a lot of jealousy and suspicion. I said I had no idea how to make that go away. Jake never picked me up anymore.

"You miss Jake don't you?"

"Yes, but I understand, he's busy."

"He's not busy, he's hurting." Over Leah. Was it that obvious?

"That too, but he won't talk about her."

"He's hurting over you."

"How so?"

"He misses you. He's happy when he arrives, and he's really sad when he leaves."

"But then why is he so distant? He's welcome to be here all the time."

"I think he needs you to take the initiative. He doesn't want to force himself on you."

"It still surprises me sometimes how somebody so good natured and always smiling can be so insecure underneath."

"Do you want him to go to Brazil with you?"

"Yes."

"Then I think you should ask him. He needs you. Believe me."

"Okay. I'll ask him."

Last time Jake was distant and Rachel had found him on his father's grave, he had needed me too. Maybe I could make him feel better again, if I forced my company on him a bit. And maybe a trip away from LaPush would do him some good as well.

*********

**AN: So what do you think? Should she spill the truth to Josh? Should she take Jake to Brazil?**


	40. Chapter 40 Graduation

**Chapter forty: Graduation**

**JPOV**

**June 15, Friday**

I was doing better now I kept some healthy distance so my heart couldn't be fooled again into believing that she was mine. Leah's occasional visits might have something to do with that.

I wondered sometimes about how things would be if the imprint finally worked out, if I would be able to go without Leah.

The imprint was meant to make sure that I was everything Ness needed, but would she be what I needed? Leah had said that first time we were reunited that it takes a wolf to handle a wolf. That worried me. Not too much though, I was willing to sacrifice a lot for Ness. I had proven that already.

Sometimes I would visit Leah in Seattle as well. For instance the day before she would meet Alec's family. She got cold feet, a huge panic attack, so I ran over and calmed her down thoroughly. Let's say I gave her a little tour of the apartment, except the bedroom. I would not use the bed where he made love to her, if she wanted sex in a bed, she had to come to LaPush. Being a wolf, I never needed a fast car, but I bought myself one now, one that could get to Seattle in three hours. I am hard to tire, but Leah manages, and then the two hour run back to LaPush was too much. The fact that Leah had no need for a car was no boost for my ego, but then again, she always was the strong one.

What we did was so wrong on Alec, who worshipped her, but we ignored our conscience saying that we had tried to go without each other and that human laws of nature don't apply to wolves. It was bullshit, but we only thought so when we were apart again. She was my sweet addiction, and I would worry about cold turkey later.

Ness knew we were cheating scumbags, but she let me be without judging. Her crush on Jasper had changed her naive ideals a bit.

She called me almost every day, for which I was grateful. I was doing better now.

I would show her my thankfulness by surprising her at her graduation. The Cullens couldn't show up at her school, except for Esme and Jasper, who had been driving her a lot. She thought I couldn't make it because of patrolling shedules, which was true at first. She didn't ask me to change it, but I am the alpha, right? I even put on a suit to look nice for her big day.

When she spotted me in the crowd, she beamed, and as soon as the ceremony was over, she ran to me and jumped in my arms. My girl was happy to see me. No. Not my girl. No more of that. My favorite girl was happy to see me. She had made it through high school as a human, and that deserved congratulations. I told her I would give her my present later. After a few minutes Josh appeared by her side, with a very annoyed look on his face. This was my cue for leaving.

Thinking of a present for a girl with an eternally rich family and with no future plans was not easy to do. I didn't just want to buy her something, I wanted to give her something special. So I gave her my pimped up Volkswagen rabbit. It was of high value for me and she knew that. She liked it too, and had urged me on to fix it. I had completely renewed almost everything, and it was now a sports car in disguise. She never had a fast car, the Cullens were too worried for this fragile human, but her spirited nature told me that she would enjoy the speed.

Later that night Josh had a celebration dinner with his family and she came home so that her family could congratulate her. They all got her gifts. Jasper gave her the keys and location of his extensive book storage in Port Angeles. Very thoughtful and naturally she was happy. It was perfect for her. Alice gave her a credit card to use in an expensive lingerie shop. Clothes, of course. Ness had to blush. I think I did too a little. Ness in fancy lingerie. Don't go there. Rose had post ordered her a personal laptop, with webcam, and Emmett had supplied her with sufficient games for it. Edward and Bella gave her a necklace with a unique diamond. Esme and Carlisle's gift was the trip to Brazil, two plain tickets in a private jet, departure in two weeks, and hotel arrangements in Manaus, at the border of the Amazon rain forest. The return tickets had no date yet. And obviously inside the rain forest there would be no hotels. That's why they had planned two more weeks to figure out how she would survive. I wondered who she was taking. I thought either Carlisle or Edward, but I suppose it would be Edward, since Carlisle would have only given her one ticket otherwise.

I took her outside to show her my gift. And naturally, she was thrilled.

Even more once we were out on the highway for a test drive.

"I've been meaning to ask you something." She hesitated.

"Yes?"

"I don't know if you can do it, with the pack and all…"

"Try."

"Would you come with me? To Brazil?"

"Me? What about Edward? Or Carlisle?"

"It's okay if you don't want to. I just thought I'd ask…" she was obviously disappointed. She really wanted me there?

"I want to. But I don't have a medical degree."

"Carlisle said they would figure out a way to communicate. And I first need to decide if I will go through with it. In case of emergency they can always follow."

"And you want me to come? For you?"

"Yes."

"Alright."

I had to go. The thought of letting her go for a long time and not knowing if she will ever come back would be devastating. I had succeeded in ignoring it, ignoring the possibility, but now the trip was real, the tickets were there, and she was definitely going, I had to go with her.

"You'll do it?"

"Of course. In two weeks, right?"

"Will the pack be okay?"

"I'll put Quil in charge. He's the next alpha in line by ancestry."

As soon as I headed back home, I started having second thoughts about this trip.

Spending weeks in a row close to her, surely my heart would be fooled once again. And surely I would be left broken afterwards.

How much more could I take? If you really love somebody, when do you get to the point of enough is enough. The answer was plain and simple. Never.

She needed me, so I put all my doubts away, somewhere deep inside.

As soon as I succeeded, my lovesick heart was fluttering at the prospect of having her near. I knew the trip would not be without dangers, but I would keep her safe, I was sure of that.

And maybe, just maybe, these weeks together, away from all the rest, were all that she needed to fall in love with me too...


	41. Chapter 41 Goodbyes

**Chapter forty one: Goodbyes**

**NPOV**

**June 20, Wednesday**

I went to Josh with a heavy heart, I had to tell him I would be going to Brazil to find some lost relatives and I didn't know when I would be back. I had no idea how he would take the news. Especially knowing that Jake would come with me. I was not going to lie about that. He knew where Jake lived, and there was a small chance that he would find out. That would be worse.

His parents were working and his sister was with his grandmother, like every other Wednesday. This meant that he could start a yelling fit without being overheard, but it also meant that, once the news was processed, we could get lost into each other again.

It was a hot and sweaty day, but I could still do with some action if I would soon be spending weeks without him.

Unfortunately, he didn't take the news well at all. He was not angry, just silent, which worried me even more.

"Please Josh, talk to me." He didn't answer, he just sat there on his bed, staring, and then suddenly he whispered.

"I can't do this anymore Ness." My heart stood still.

"What do you mean?" Surely it wasn't…

"Your… friendship with him. If that's what it is. There's something wrong about it. You are _my_ girlfriend."

"Of course I am."

"Then why do you never base your choices on that? Why can't you tell your family that I am more important? Spending the summer with me?"

"I really wish I could spend the summer with you. You have to believe me. But I can't."

"Well I can't believe you. I think you _want_ go on that trip with him."

"It's not true."

"He is too important for you."

"He is important, but so are you. He's been there all my life, isn't it natural then that I still cherish friendship even when I have a boyfriend that makes me happy?"

"If I make you happy, then making choices shouldn't be so hard."

"What choices do you mean? You're confusing me."

"You have been confusing me for a while now."

"I don't understand."

"Well, let me make it simple for you then. It's either him or me."

"You know I choose you, I told you a million times before, I love you, and you alone."

"So you won't see him again then?" _What?!?_

"I didn't say that."

"I'm saying it. Those are your options."

"Josh, please, don't do this to me. You can't…"

"Yes I can, I just did." He sounded really cold and detached, while I crawled over to him to hug him.

"Please Josh, please. I love you. Isn't that enough?" He pushed me away.

"No. You are way too close to him, and I can't take it anymore. You're pulling away all the time, and I wonder if you are thinking about him all the time."

"I'm always thinking about you."

"I'm setting an ultimatum here. I need to know if I'm at the top of your list. You have always been at the top of mine. You know I love you, but your friendship with him is hurting me."

"Don't Josh…"

"You don't have to give me an answer now, go home and think about it, I don't want you regretting your choice."

He really was serious. He was making me choose between him and Jake. I would lose one of them. No matter which choice I would make, I would be miserable.

I got up from his bed and left the house, I felt numb. I waited for the tears, but none came.

I'm sure there would be plenty later, I would drawn in them, whatever the outcome.

I guess I was still hoping he would come after me and tell me he was being ridiculous and unreasonable.

Or wasn't he? He had the right to get insecure, me and Jake were close, but so were me and Jasper. Did he have the right to ask me to forsake my friends for him?

And did I owe him that much? Sure the love of my life was more important than my friends?

But this was not just a friend. This was Jake.

I refused to think further about this choice. I would _not_ make the choice. I simply would not. And that's that.

I was not surprised when Jasper pulled over and opened his door. Still numb I got in and he brought me home.

"What happened? I can't read your feelings."

"I have no idea what just happened. And I have no intention to try and figure it out. Will you help me get drunk?"

He shook his head with an amused look on his face.

"I'm serious. Okay, help me stay numb than. You have permission to use your gift. I don't want to think. And I certainly don't want to feel. Please?"

"Okay."

I got into bed to sleep the rest of the day, covered by a blanket of apathy.

Secretly waiting for Josh to come to his senses.

The next day - I still hadn't left my bed, not even for my rambling stomach - he finally called me.

I didn't get up to leave the house, the way I normally do to keep away from vampire ears.

"Hello Ness."

"Hi Josh." I was apprehensive. And far away in the back of my mind something told me this might be the last time I ever heard his voice.

"Did you think about what I said?" This did not sound like an apology.

"I won't choose…"

I could hear him sigh. I wanted to go over there and hold him in my arms, kiss him the way we had done a thousand times this last six months. Tell him it will all be alright. If I could just go to Brazil and come back human, we could start planning our future together.

"I think I know enough then."

"You mean you know I'm loyal to my friends?" Idle hope.

"No. I know you don't love me as much as I love you. I would have given everything for you." And I would give up my eternity for you. But not Jake.

"I do love you as much. Maybe friendship means something else to me as it does to you."

"Maybe love means something else for both of us as well. Goodbye Nessie."

"What? This is it? I haven't chosen." I sat up in my bed, shocked.

"Yes you have. I'm breaking up with you..."

I couldn't speak anymore, the tears had arrived and I started wailing and sobbing. I wanted to beg him. Tell him I would not see Jake anymore, even though it was a lie.

He had hung up. And I was alone. More alone than I had ever been.

Alice reached me first, and she held me close to her tiny cold form and rocked me.

All I could manage was "It's over. It's over."

"Why honey?"

I never answered that question. I would never tell anybody.

Jake would be devastated if he knew I was heartbroken because of him.

Josh was right, I had chosen, I chose my friendship with Jake, and I would never regret it.

But that didn't make it hurt any less. My heart was broken for the first time and it would never heal again. I would never hold or kiss Josh again. Never look into his sweet eyes, whisper his name when making love, spend hours vowing our eternal love.

All was lost.

*********

**AN: I actually cried when I wrote this. I really like Josh and it's not his fault she can't be honest with him. How do you guys feel about this?**


	42. Chapter 42 Doctor Jacob

**Chapter forty two: Doctor Jacob**

**JPOV**

**July 2**

She reminded me so much of Bella in her worse days these passed weeks. I knew Ness would be stronger, she is always full of passion for life. But her intense and emotional character made her hurt that much stronger as well. She was shaken to the core. Constantly crying, inconsolable, and my heart broke as well. I would happily have taken all the pain away from her and carried it myself.

I had no clue what Josh had done or why he had done it. All I knew was that it was over. And there was no point in asking her, because at every mention of his name she wailed and whimpered. Distracting her was also pointless, she would hardly get up to eat. Sometimes Jasper would use his gift to calm her down, and she would welcome it, but we knew she needed to feel the pain, in order to get over him. And better start processing things now the entire family was around.

I wondered if now was the right time to make decisions about life and death and risks to be taken, but being away from Forks and seeing Rose and Emmett again would be good for her, so we continued planning the trip. The Cullens have given me the right to veto any decision, seeing she is still a minor. Perhaps even a minor with a death wish.

We would use a private jet to get us from Port Angeles to Manaus, a big city in the middle of Brazil. This city was still over thousand miles apart from the little town Ipixuna, our destiny, but we could not fly any further into the rain forest. Manaus was located at a river, and if we would travel along this river upstream, we would eventually reach Ipixuna. Emmett and Rose were already in the city, and they would provide the best possible traveling means, probably some boat, and stuff it with all that we could need. All a human could need that is, because wolves and vampires could survive in all circumstances. Carlisle made sure they would have a huge medical supply, in case Ness got hurt. We didn't have to pack much, just some personal stuff. With the use of two vampires, this trip from Manaus to Ipixuna was estimated as a one week journey.

The Cullens were hovering over Ness all the time, just like me, they wanted to make her feel better, but they had also a feeling of dread, a fear that she would not come back. I promised I would see to her return, as far as anyone can promise to keep another person alive.

The day before we left, Leah took free from work and spend the entire day at my apartment. We didn't have sex all day, although definitely enough. In between I would lay next to her and trace her beautiful body with my fingers, as if to store it safely in my memory. There was something in the air, a feeling of final goodbye. I would be away probably for over a month. A lot can happen in that time. She can get over me without our regular contacts, finally fully choosing Alec. And somewhere I still cherished the small bit of hope that I would be able to heal Ness and that she would realize it's me she wanted all along.

I had been able to heal Bella once, I could do it again. Let my sunshine do the work, hug her and hold her till the pain goes away. She will not be down for months, the way Bella had been, Ness just didn't have it in her to let life pass her by. She believed now that all was lost, but she still had so much to live for, she had tons of love around her, starting with the tons of love I had for her. Watching her suffer will be hard on me. I braced myself, because I would have to be strong.

"I'll miss you, Leah. I'll need you."

"Not with her around."

"Especially with her around. We'll live on a boat for Christ sakes. She'll be too close. I'll need you…"

"So take my picture and use it for jerking off." I playfully stomped her.

"It won't work."

"She'll need sex too."

"Leah! She's heartbroken." I punched her shoulder a little harder.

"You're not telling me that you plan to be in a boat with her for a month and not hope for more?"

"I hope… But not for her needing sex."

"I know. I wish you all the luck. I'll miss you too, by the way."

"You've got plenty of sex."

"You know I don't come to you because of lack of sex. I need you for my sanity, and sex just happens to be your way to keep me sane."

"Call me doctor Jacob." I winked.

"Well doctor Jacob, got some more healing for me?" She winked back.

"Again? Already?"

"If this could be our last day together, I plan to make the most out of it. Give me all you got."

"If I give you all I got, you won't be able to run back." I teased her smugly. It was bluff, I would tire before she would.

"Then I'll stay the night."

"Really?"

"I could call home and say my family needs me to stay the night. If you want…"

"Hell yeah."

We made wild and frantic desperate love, but also sweet and caring love. I wanted to feel it all once again, to put that into my memory as well.

The next morning we said our goodbyes. Actually, we refused to say goodbye and promised each other, no matter what happened, we would see each other again. Maybe not sexually, but we would meet again.

Edward came to pick me up, I couldn't phase with my luggage and this way my car could stay in my garage.

Ness was in the backseat, hardly awake, she never was anymore, and as I stepped in the passenger's seat, I turned around at her and gave her my smile that said "it will all be alright."

Her smile said "thanks for trying but I don't think so."

*********

**AN: So they're on their way to Brazil now. I'm excited! :D**


	43. Chapter 43 Departure

**Chapter forty three: Departure**

**NPOV**

**July 3**

I don't remember much from the passed two weeks. Just pain. And loss. Despair. Hardly anything worth remembering.

Only my family and their love and support was worthy. They meant more to me today than they ever had. It helped me. Stay real. I would have gone numb if they didn't remind me everyday that I had a lot to live for still. Feeling the pain was better. Better than the emptiness of being numb. I felt pain because I had loved. It's a price to pay.

Somehow I had gotten onto this plane, and looking out of the window, squeezing Jake's hand, I let some of my thoughts come back to me. More despair, and more tears. I let them come. Jake put his arm around me. I needed the thoughts though. I needed the conclusion that came from them. That I would do it all again. If I had known it would end this way, I would still do it. It had been beautiful.

Even the choice I made, I would make it again, and never regret. Jake was more important now than ever before too. He tried so hard. Only for him I would try to make most of this trip. He deserved some time away from his own heartache. I would not spend the entire trip sobbing over mine. In fact, letting the thoughts come back to my mind had subsided the sobbing and wailing.

I had lost something. Something that had meant the world to me. But it was Josh's fault. And his loss. He made me feel bad for choosing and losing. But he should have never put me in that position. He was wrong. I knew that for sure. And slowly the grief was making room for anger.

How could he have done that to me? He said he loved me and then he wanted to take my dearest friend away from me?

I was mad.

Thinking this through during the nine hour flight, I was more than mad. I was pissed. And I decided to actually have fun this vacation. Yeah, that's right. I will call it a vacation too.

I looked up at Jake and gave him a brilliant smile.

We would have the time of our lives, even if the ones we loved did not want to be with us. At least not enough to risk losing.

He was surprised, but beamed in an instant. Yes, I'm alive again. Alive and kicking.

I knew deep down I was not over Josh, not by far. But the worse had passed, and it would not kill me.

"Glad to have you back Nessie."

"Glad to be back wolf boy. I plan to have a good time, and it will only be his loss."

"Angry stage now?"

"Yes. Good?"

"Whatever helps you darling."

"It helps. He was wrong. And I'll get over it. Eventually."

"I know you will. You have such a positive attitude, you can get through anything."

"So when do we land? I seem to have too much energy all of the sudden."

"How can you have energy? You have hardly eaten anything in weeks."

"Yeah, I'm damn hungry too."

"That I can help you with. A wolf can't go nine hours without food, I brought loads."

Meeting Rose and Emmett again was a true delight. Emmett picked me up and twirled me around until I thought I would lose the wolf's meal again. His playful nature and dimpled smile helped me further to forget my loss.

"So Ness, I see you're not a virgin anymore?"

"How can you see that?" I answered shocked.

"Ha! Gotcha. I knew it! Ouch!"

He gained a slap against his head from Rose. Me and Jake were laughing, a bit uneasy. Emmett never holds back on comments like that, and now he knew I was no longer innocent, he definitely wouldn't. We would have to get used to that.

We drove to our hotel, were we would be staying for two nights. We planned on using that time to acclimate to the humidity and heat, inspect all traveling needs, fill up the boat and gather as much information as possible about medical needs of a human in survival trips.

Me and Jake were booked in separate one person hotel rooms. He had tried to stay awake during the flight, but he kept yawning and when I asked him if Leah perhaps had anything to do with his fatigue, he had only smiled sweetly.

By the time we got to the hotel, it was dark and he said he would crash immediately. I had been okay this evening, for the first time since I had lost Josh, but now I was alone again, and I was certainly not okay. I couldn't be alone, not yet. Rose and Emmett were out, so I had no other option. I considered asking Jake to hold me tonight, but we had never slept in the same bed, whenever I asked him to stay over, he had refused. The only other possibility for me not to be alone was asking him to stay awake and sit by my bed. But even if he would want to do that for me - I had no doubt he would - I could not ask him that, he was simply too tired.

So I cried myself to sleep, or better, I tried, but sleep would not come.

I was paying for my bravery during daytime. I had let all the thoughts about him flow through me, not knowing that the prize came at night. I felt immensely guilty too, for being mad at Josh. He didn't know I was not human. Seeing things from his perspective, he _had_ to get insecure. I never brought him home with me, there were good-looking boys looking after me, I held back with him for no good reason... And then when we would have our first summer together, I suddenly decided to go off to Brazil with my friend. I understood. His reaction was wrong, but I understood.

I must have broken his heart as well, with all my secrets I couldn't share. He was probably missing me like crazy too. And so I cried for him too. I wanted him back. Bad.

I think my sobs must have been a little too loud, because I heard my door opening and Jake stepping in. I must have been _really_ loud to have woken up the wolf. He didn't say a word, he just lifted the thin cover and crawled under it, his arm around me pulling my back against his chest, and whispering in my hair.

"Hush Ness, it will all be alright. Shhh."

"I want him back." I whimpered.

"I know, honey. But it will get better."

"I don't want it to get better, I just want him back."

"Shhhh."

Eventually we both fell asleep.


	44. Chapter 44 For Now

**Chapter forty four: For now**

**JPOV**

**July 4**

This was only the first night, and already she was too close.

When I woke up and heard her crying, I could not leave her to her broken heart. Bella had always closed herself off when she was hurt, Ness was so different. She was like an open wound, everybody could see her pain and she would let me come close to help her instead of pushing me away. So I had to go to her room and hold her.

I said to myself I would stay awake, but I failed. It's not such a big deal, she never minded sleeping in my arms, and I would not get tempted, she was too hurt, I was too tired and still very satisfied after Leah's visit. I also figured we would not have separate rooms in the boat, so it didn't matter so much that I had slept close to her now. It would happen a lot more the next days and weeks. It was more her emotional closeness that worried me right now. She needed me like a helpless pup and I took care of her. As if she were mine. Mine to keep.

I knew I would get hurt. But if that was the sacrifice to make to heal her, I would make it.

That morning she woke up with puffy eyes, the way they had been for two weeks now. I had really enjoyed watching her fighting spirit emerge yesterday, and I would try to bring it back again.

Me and Emmett and Rose used combined forces to keep her busy today. She never smiled like she did once yesterday, probably shaken by the impact of her pain last night, but she didn't cry either. We distracted her, shopping for medical supplies. Finding decent maps of the Amazon forest. Stuffing our boat with survival gears. It was a small boat, because the river all the way up in Ipixuna was a small river. It had a little bedroom, just big enough for one mattress and some shelves. Rose said that we would have to take shifts in sleeping. I didn't like that. We would have little time left together, and right now she needed me, during the day _and_ the night.

Apart from this bedroom the boat had a washing room with portable toilet, a small kitchen to roast the meat that we caught for her, two loveseats with an removable table and plenty of storing space for all our supplies. By the evening Ness was exhausted, too tired to cry, so I thought. I put her to bed, kissed her goodnight and made motions to go to my own room as her tears started to flow. I couldn't deny her anything. I was totally whipped but I didn't care. She was not faking the tears, she just really couldn't be alone right now. She never had been alone, always surrounded by loads of babysitters willing to keep her company. Especially me.

And I would keep her company at nights like these too. Especially nights like these.

I changed into my pajamas and got back to hold her before the worse sobbing began, stroking her hair and keeping her close. It wasn't as bad as yesterday. She must have been crying for hours by the time I found her then. Tiring her had paid off, after only fifteen minutes she slowly drifted off to sleep. I soon followed, tired of this long day as well.

Waking up next to her was something I could get used to. Normally I needed more sleep than her, now she was changing, but after the breakup, she slept enormous amounts a day. I awoke slowly, watching her face. She looked peaceful. Her eyes were not so puffy anymore.

I could not help myself, and I held up my hand to touch her cheek, I softly caressed this fragile thing next to me, promising myself I would make her better. It was the softest of touches, but it woke her up anyway. Her eyes were fluttering to the light and I quickly removed my hand. She smiled sweetly and hugged me tight. She kind of took me by surprise, but didn't seem to notice my morning wood. I quickly got out of bed to take a shower. No more stroking her cheek when I was not entirely awake yet.

That day we started our journey. The Amazon forest was beautiful, but the traveling was boring. We would keep moving day and night, limiting the pauses to an absolute minimum. We were not there to enjoy the landscape, we could do that in Ipixuna. There we would have more means to keep her safe, here in the middle of the rain forest, dangers were always lurking. There were no chances of tiring Ness here, and less opportunities to distract her. But she seemed fine. And she seemed to want to talk about him, so I let her.

"I'm hurt for him too. I love him so much and he doesn't even know that." I still didn't know why they had broken up, had a feeling I never will, so I could not comfort her so much, but I knew some things.

"Deep down you know that he loves you, although he hurt you. And deep down, he knows you love him too."

"Then why are we apart?"

"Because sometimes love just isn't enough. Particularly in a complicated situation." I knew that first hand.

"But that's not fair."

"No it's not. But look at it this way. Maybe you both never had a chance on the long term, him being human and you being the daughter of vampires, changing into one as well. Relationships are based on trust, and you could never have it all with him. But you took what you could get and enjoyed it while it lasted." I could apply that on me and Leah as well, but like a good doctor, I didn't listen to my own advice.

"But he doesn't know those things."

"You told him things were complicated for you. When he tries to get over you he will say to himself that it was never your fault things were so complicated. And that perhaps you, or your situation, weren't ready for something so serious. I think you both just were to each other what you needed most at that particular time."

"We are still what we need."

"I believe you both have changed. And so have your needs. You say he was insecure. He probably needed a prospect of a future you could not promise him. "

"You're right. But he was still all I needed."

"I don't believe that either. You are such an open person, how can you be happy hiding most of your life all the time?"

"But I was. Happy."

"You must have felt guilty lying so much. About your family. About your changes. "

"Yes. But I will never be able to fully trust somebody then." Well, how about me?

"You have to be patient. Either you go home human, and you can build a human life if you wish, without so much lies and hiding. Or you change into a vampire."

"And find another vampire."

"For instance."

"I'll only ever want Josh."

"That's what you believe now. And who knows, if you go home human…"

"I don't think so. I'll never be able to tell him everything. And he was wrong about some things too. And if I can't have him, I don't want anybody. Your company is enough for now."

I knew it was meant as a compliment, but those last two words hurt me. I wanted to be enough for ever.

********

**AN: I wish you all a joyful Christmas Eve!**

**Why are you still reading Twilight fanfiction, while you should be spending time with your family?  
I'm kidding! Don't go! :-) What better way to pass winter evenings than dive into the Twilight Universe? :)**


	45. Chapter 45 River Boat Therapy

**Chapter forty five: River boat therapy**

**NPOV**

**July 11**

We had been on the river for six days now. Traveling was monotone, but the boredom was kept to a minimum by my companions. I still slept a lot, and the rest of the day would be filled by reading, playing games and watching movies. We had a power generator on board that could supply us with enough power for four months.

I was doing much better than I had expected in such a short time. Having both Jake and Emmett around was like a happy shock therapy. They were both so alike and they got along great, providing me with loads of entertainment.

Rose was sweet too, running like a mother hen around poor me and both goof balls. At first she did not agree with Jake and me sleeping on the same mattress, but we had solid arguments. He had held me at night in the hotel too, I still had trouble with being alone - I didn't tell her I was doing better now - and sleeping during daytime was almost impossible with the heat. So we both slept at night. Close together.

I loved the feel of his sleeping form against me. Nights were often warm too, but I didn't mind, I loved his heat and my cooler body was a welcome refreshment for him. His relaxed breathing and occasional soft snoring calmed me down. And whenever a sob would escape me, he would wrap his arms around me and pull me close. I felt safe. And loved.

Once in Ipixuna, I would convince Rose that I wanted to keep sleeping on the boat. I was used to it now, it felt homey. And I hoped Jake would still hold me then. Even though he knew I didn't need it so much anymore.

The vampires and Jake would hunt everyday, the former for blood and the latter for meat. This meat I would cook for him, I remembered from my week at his place that he was thrilled whenever I cooked for him, so I did here as well, every day.

In the cabin of the boat we had some sort of air cooling and air drying machine. Whenever we stepped out of the boat for hunting and washing, we were almost knocked out by the hot humid air. Our clothes would be moist, our hair sticky, it was all very impractical. Especially the wet underwear.

So we decided the clothes would have to go. Not all of them of course. Jake would wear only swimming shorts and I would wear a bikini and a long shirt. Rose and Emmett didn't oppose. On their journey the previous months they had discarded more of their clothes, for different reasons than humid air though, and they were only dressing for mine and Jake's comfort. They had foreseen this and bought plenty of swimming clothes. If it was up to Emmett, however, Rose would be naked all the time. But that would make me and Jake very uncomfortable. Seeing her in bikini was confronting enough. I wondered sometimes if Jake was not affected by this half naked beauty queen. But he never even seemed to notice her.

Whenever the coast was clear, I took a dive in the water. It was hot too, but coming out and drying in the air was a little bit refreshing. I could not do that on every stop, sometimes crocodiles would be lurking. It was nothing my three protectors could not handle, but they would take absolutely no risk.

Emmett had a blast taking me hunting. There were so many new flavors here, and I was curious for them all. Emmett thought me different hunting strategies. Just like Jasper liked to chase his prey to get the blood frightened, Emm liked to fight the prey, to make the blood angry. I could not really compare both, since the animals were not the same, but I tasted the difference between relaxed blood and angry blood and I had to agree with Emmett.

Overall I was doing better. Especially during daytime I didn't think so much about Josh anymore. And I think Jake was doing good too. He was smiling all day long.

One evening, when we were alone – Emmett and Rose gave us plenty of privacy, because they needed plenty as well – he asked me about it.

"I love that you are already smiling again."

"Is it too soon to smile again?"

"Of course not, don't be silly. You should smile everyday, no matter what happens, your smile is worth millions."

"He's so far away now, it all seems almost unreal. I can't believe it has only been three weeks, I feel like a lifetime has passed since then."

"So it was a good choice to come here."

"It was a good choice asking you too."

"Thanks."

"I hope for you as well."

"Of course, I'm glad you asked me."

"I meant for your own heartache."

"Oh." His smile vanished.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, it's okay. I hadn't thought about her in a few days. So yes, you could say coming here helps."

"River boat therapy."

"Something like that." Phew. The smile was back. No more mentioning Leah.

"And Emmett is great too."

"He sure is." He yawned and I yawned with him. Our eyes were slowly drooping.

"Rose is nice as well."

"Sure sure."

"She is kinda hot huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"Her walking around like a supermodel in bikini's. Does she turn you on?"

"Ness, get real. She reeks." He mumbled, quasi insulted.

I laughed out loud.

There would be no tears tonight.

Somewhere during the night we must have reached our destiny, because the boat was still and the engine was silent when I woke up. I got up to pee and look outside. It was too early to make breakfast. I couldn't find Emmett and Rose, and was not allowed to leave the boat alone, so I crawled back into bed.

After ten minutes I got bored and tried to wake up Jake. First I tickled his face with my fingertips, his nose and his eyelids, but he never moved. He just continued sleeping like I wasn't poking his face.

I decided he must need the sleep then, and let him be. My fingers kept tracing his face and combing through his spiky hair, silently thanking my wolf for taking care of me.

After another fifteen minutes I grew sleepy again and snuggled against his chest. He instinctively wrapped his arms around me and sighed deeply. He might not talk in his sleep, but this one loved me and would protect me. He told me that just now.

*********

**AN: Merry Christmas!!!**

**Are you all still liking the story?**


	46. Chapter 46 Ceremony

**Chapter forty six: Ceremony**

**JPOV**

**July 12**

The boat was anchored about a mile away from the little village Ipixuna. Rose and Emmett had gone ahead to announce our arrival. Me and Ness were happy to get off the boat for more than an hour, even though the hot and humid air was uncomfortable compared to the dryer and slightly cooler air on the boat. We needed the space, not from each other though. We spent the whole day close to one another. I phased and hunted for her, she drank and I ate. We swam in the little river, that harbored no crocodiles. It was more playing than swimming. I tried to keep my eyes from her, she looked so beautiful with her pale skin in that red bikini, and she didn't even know it.

All afternoon we rested at the shore. You couldn't exactly call it sun drying, because that would not happen here, just resting and listening to jungle noises and the river. I was surprised she wasn't sick of me yet. She followed me around everywhere. I think she was still somewhat afraid to be alone.

If I watched her playing and laughing, it was hard to imagine there was still a broken heart underneath. I wanted to believe I had started to heal her. It was also becoming harder to imagine we were not boyfriend and girlfriend, having a nice holiday. My mind said "Careful Jake, she's bringing you on a high and then she will kill you all over again." But my heart said "Bull shit, she loves me and soon she will see she is meant for me, like I am meant for her." My heart won, like it always did.

That evening the tribe organized some sort of ceremony to welcome their guests. It was a small tribe, seventy to eighty people, and they were all present. It's wasn't like a bonfire in LaPush, which is mainly just fire and cans of beer, this was way more spectacular, with drums and dancing, and torches. All four of us watched in awe. All night we were offered drinks and food, and it was nice, the atmosphere was relaxed. I liked this tribe.

The famous medicine man was present too. He was wrinkled like a ninety year old, but he was surprisingly fit as he was jumping around the fire and throwing dust in the flames. I whispered to Ness "Frog blood… rat tail… dragon's eye…" and she giggled.

Then a young male approached us and all her attention was on him. He was gorgeous, if I must say so myself. He spoke to Rose in a foreign language and she answered fluently, before she translated to us that the tribe was honored to welcome us, people from the new world. Our eyes grew in surprise.

"Didn't I tell you I learned the language? Did you think they kept a translator around here?"

"She only studied the language because she had the hots for the translator we brought here previously." Emmett teased.

"Ew Emmett! He was like eighty!"

"So are you." Ness commented dryly and Emmett roared.

"Hey Jake," Rose said suggestively "looks like you've got yourself an admirer."

"Huh?" She pointed at the dancing young girls, and sure enough, one of them was smiling at me while swaying her hips. Now I had looked up at her, it seemed to have encouraged her and she slowly danced her way over.

"That's Niya," Emmett said, "better be careful because she's a little nymph. Tried to have me too."

"What? You didn't tell me that!"

"Easy babe. You know I like blondes. Although this sure is one hot thing." He added in a quiet voice. Not quiet enough obviously because Rose punched him hard.

Niya was now right in front of us, well, actually she was right in front of me, giving me some sort of personal show. I must say she was astonishing, but all this attention made me very shy. I also noticed that some of the younger tribe males were watching the scene with disgust. We needed the hospitality of the tribe and so I would not touch her, no matter how hard she tried.

Damn, this stay is even going to be harder then expected.

After the ceremony we went back to our boat and got into bed. Ness was doing better now and didn't need to be held anymore. It was a little too warm for snuggling, at least for her, she was cool to me, so we lay each on a side of the mattress, facing each other. We had had a lot of fun today. The tribe had been good too, and their drinks had made us a little giddy.

"What did you think of the tribe?" I asked.

"I think their great. I had expected more primitive things, they are really nice and welcoming."

"I agree. And some are handsome too. Don't think I didn't see you looking at Paolo." He was the one who had approached Rose earlier. Apparently they had become friends with him on their previous stay and he lingered around us the rest of the ceremony.

"Look who's talking!"

"What? You mean Niya? I can't help it if she wants me." I winked.

"Oh all innocent like that, are you?" And then added in a more serious tone "Does she turn you on?"

"No." I answered, but I had hesitated a little too long and she smiled at me knowingly.

"Well she obviously wants some loving from you, so why don't you have a little fun with her while we're here?"

"Yeah, and have the tribe males kill me in my sleep."

"Ha! That means you want to!"

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't deny it."

"Good night Ness."

"What's the matter Jake, can't stand a little teasing?"

"Are you going to bug me about her our entire stay?"

"Depends on how persistent she is. And you started it by the way."

"Well then I'll keep bugging you some more about Paolo too."

"Nah. He's not my type. I think I'll go for Emmett."

"What?!?"

"Kidding!" She roared with laughter at my reaction. I just shook my head.

"Although I do think he's the hottest Cullen. Except for Jasper hunting… Hmmm…"

"Sweet dreams Ness." She giggled and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek and said with a wink "You too Jake" adding in a whisper "Niya… Niya… Niya…".

I rolled my eyes at her and turned the light off. Soon I heard her breath get deeper.

I had to admit it, Niya's willingness did turn me on, and so did Ness running around in her tiny bikini all day. And sleeping next to me only covered by that thin shirt.

I had good night vision, I could see her all too clearly. Breasts softly rising and falling with every breath. Damn that thin shirt, I could even see the outline of her nipples against the fabric.

The downside of her never leaving my side is that I never have the privacy to do what I need to do now and then. And I was extremely horny. Just looking at her sleeping made me hard.

I stopped my hand from reaching over to caress those nipples, instead I lowered it into my shorts and softly I stroked myself. The touch almost made me groan. If even my own hand can elicit such a strong reaction, then it had definitely been too long since I last took care of myself. I had been neglecting my needs, and now my needs were taking over.

I could not stop now, but I could not continue either. Jerking off looking at her beautiful body would be rather hot, but also wrong. Not to mention she is a light sleeper, any sound could wake her up and then what? I wasn't even in the mood to stay silent.

My hand was moving on it's own accord, giving me more pressure now. Oh delicious pressure. I bit my lower lip to stay quiet. I had to decide fast or I would lose control and give in to this feeling.

So I pulled my hand back and climbed out of bed as silently as possible. She woke up a bit anyway and I told her "I'm hungry, get back to sleep," and she turned on her side and fell asleep again. A light sleeper indeed. Good decision Jacob.

I got off the boat an followed the river downstream. I would not get far, my throbbing erection needed attention. Immediately.

Somewhere in the distance I could hear that Emmett and Rose would not be paying attention to any sounds that escaped me, and then I finally gave in to the sweet pleasures of my hands. More than once.

*********

**AN: The end is nearing. I think some five or six chapters left... I wonder if I will surprise you or not...**


	47. Chapter 47 Code

**Chapter forty seven: code **

**NPOV**

**July 19**

I knew Jake took care of his needs now and then. My loyal guardian would sometimes go "hunting" alone. At night.

I wish I could get off so easily too. My body needed attention as well, but in order to reach an orgasm, I needed time and I needed to be relaxed.

One night Jake was off, 'hungry' again, and I had decided now was the right time. I stroked and rubbed myself, and although it was very enjoyable, I could not relax enough to reach a climax. My body was on fire and my movements became more desperate.

Finally I felt the familiar tingle of an orgasm approaching. At that moment, Jake entered the boat again.

I quickly pulled my panties up and covered myself, pretending to be asleep.

When Jake opened the bedroom door he knew immediately, damn wolf nose, I hadn't thought about that.

"I… I could… come back later?" he stuttered. I was so mortified.

"No." I answered, hiding my face. There was no point in continuing now, I thought frustrated.

He got into bed and we never mentioned it.

Two days later however, he said before going to sleep "I'm hungry. Don't wait up, I'll be gone _at_ _least_ an hour."

And I knew that was his way of telling me "Go ahead, I won't interrupt again."

It was embarrassing that he would know what I would be doing, but on the other hand, I knew he was never really hungry as well. And we needed some privacy if we are going to live on this boat for maybe a month.

We should have thought about a code before, and then my awkward moment could have been avoided.

Embarrassing or not, I would not waste a presented opportunity, and now I knew he was not coming back immediately, I was more relaxed and I got off easily, several times. God I had needed that.

When he came back I asked in a teasing tone "Had a nice hunt?".

He chuckled and said "Yes. You sleep well?"

I smiled and said "Very well. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Let me now if I need another hunt."

"Will do. Goodnight Jake."

"Goodnight Ness."

From then on, we would keep using this code and be less embarrassed about it. I would tease him for instance when Niya followed us around again and say "careful Jake, she's gonna make you _hungry_."

Niya was starting to get on my nerves. He had made it clear to her that he would not give in to her wishes, and she just kept throwing herself at him. It was pathetic really.

Rose had noticed my annoyance once, and she said that Niya believed it was only a matter of time, eventually they all caved. Well Emmett didn't cave did he? And Jake won't cave either. Or will he? I didn't want to think about it. I wondered why it would be such a bad thing if he did give her what she wanted. He had a fuck buddy at home too. Why can't he have one here?

I was being selfish, I wanted Jake to be completely at my service all the time.

He teased me about Paolo sometimes too, I got along well with him, but it was clear to me that Paolo was only interested in Rose, the poor fellow. He was smart and hid it well, Emmett could look frightening if he wanted to. He never did though, my dimpled cheek teddy bear.

The day after the ceremony we had some sort of first audience with the medicine man. He was totally out there, but had his brighter moments too. We just had to sit with him for hours in a row and wait for his mind to make an appearance.

He was very interested in me, wanted to do all sorts of tests and I let him, as long as it didn't include cutting me up.

He said I was the most human half breed he had met, and that there would be good hopes for me.

His book of magic, as we called it, contained several possible recipes for clearing the venom from my blood. Some were highly invasive and included pumping all of the blood through some tubes and then performing some rituals with it. His "lab" was far from sterile, so I knew immediately that the risk of infection with this would be about a hundred percent. No blood pumping for me.

Another possibility was drinking a cocktail of herbs that he brewed. He said that it's effect was not as big as with the other procedures, but I was still very human, so I would have a chance. The positive side was that it contained little risk. No cutting was involved, just drinking the potion.

Emmett and Rose had written down all the exact ingredients and preparation methods and ran for the city to look up all possible effects and consult Carlisle.

It took them three days to get back. Carlisle had said they were relative harmless herbs, and he could see no problem in the preparation either. He gave us a green light to try it, but he didn't want me to get my hopes up, it was just a herb mix with a lot of superstition, it would probably have no effect whatsoever. It could only cause me some fever.

The medicine man had warned me about fever as well, I could handle that.

********

**AN: What do you think? Would you rather like human Nessie or vampire Nessie? It's my story, and the choice has already been made, but I'm curious for your opinion anyway...**

**Some of you inspire me :-)**


	48. Chapter 48 Dirty Job

**Chapter forty eight: dirty job**

**JPOV**

**July 25**

Leah had been right. Ness did need sex. Broken heart or not.

Knowing that, made it extra hard for me not to touch her. I could give her so much more than her own hands. And she would be so much better than my hands.

That night when I walked in and apparently interrupted a heated up moment, I had almost asked her "Want me to help you with that?". And as the frustration was pouring off her, I think there might even have been a chance that she would have let me.

Good thing I had just taken care of me. Like I had said to Leah, I didn't want her falling for me because lack of sex. I wanted her to love me completely, to understand that she needed me this close for ever.

Right now, she would be realizing nothing, because she was unconscious, had been on and off for three days. She had chosen to drink the potion and risk the fever. We hadn't known the fever would be so high. She was burning up and we would pour water into her mouth whenever she woke up a little bit. She was babbling things that didn't make sense, switching between feeling too hot and too cold. Me and Rose would switch positions, depending on her need for hot or cold arms.

She hadn't eaten and the fever made her very weak. She only came out of the bed when Rose carried her to the toilet, but as she didn't eat and sweated like crazy, that was not very often. Emmett hunted and brought back liters of blood, for Ness and for Rose, who would not leave her side. Whenever it was Rose her turn to cool Ness, I would go in the kitchen to eat whatever meat Emmett had brought for me. He felt a little useless and tried to distract me with games to make the waiting bearable.

The medicine man was of no help, we must have missed all his brighter moments the past days.

Now Ness was feeling cold again, shuddering violently, it was actually a pretty scary sight. Her episodes lasted mostly about two hours, so it was Rose's turn to eat. We were not so worried now as we had been, we had the feeling that the worse had passed. Their was more coherence in her babbling, sometimes she said things that made sense.

Emmett thought it was time for Rose to get distracted and he knew just how to do it. At first Rose did not want to leave Ness, but I told her to go and do us all a favor by helping Emmett. She didn't need more pushing, Emmett could be pretty persuasive himself.

At last we were alone, me and Nessie, and she was shivering against me. She only wore her bikini, since all clothes are drenched with hot or cold sweat in an instant. I wrapped a blanket around her and held her against my body, head to toe. She instinctively sought the highest contact surface and wrapped her arms around me, intertwining her legs with mine. She was dangerously close now.

I berated myself to think things like that with her being so sick, but she was almost naked, quivering against me, there was no way to stop these thoughts.

I needed air. I figured the outside air was warmer than the cooled air on the boat, so wondered if she was stable enough to take her outside. I asked her and she nodded, so I took her to a secluded spot by the river and enveloped her again with my warmth.

This was a good choice, her shudders became less violently and she somewhat regained consciousness.

"How are you feeling Ness, are you in pain?"

"No… no pain. I'm weak…"

"Are you hungry? Thirsty? Need water? Blood?"

"No… not yet. Maybe later."

"If there's anything you want, just ask me."

"There is something I want, but…"

"What is it? Anything?"

"I feel dirty. All the stinking sweat. Can you please wash me?"

"Oh. Um. I'll call Rose then."

"No. I don't want Rose to do it."

"Why not?"

"I just don't. Never mind…"

"Um. I could hold you in the river water and then you could wash yourself?"

"Too weak."

"I'm sorry."

"Hmm." She couldn't hold her head up, she was so weak in my arms.

I felt like a total coward. This was the only thing she had asked from me. And asking must have been hard for her as well.

"I'll do it. I'll wash you, but not… all of you."

"Of course not. I'm sorry Jake. It's a dirty job… I wouldn't have asked…"

"I know you wouldn't. Shhh. We'll get you smelling nice again."

Dirty job??? Washing Ness and lathering her up in soap is like the best job ever.

I went into the boat to get a washing cloth, soap and shampoo and found a good spot near the riverside. The water was shallow so I could sit on the bottom and hold her in my lap under the water. This would be a bit tricky, I actually needed both my arms to hold her. I shifted her a bit so she could lean sideways against my chest and I had free hands to wash her hair.

It wasn't easy, but we had time, and she enjoyed my massaging hands on her scalp. I held her neck and lowered her head to rinse the shampoo from her hair. She opened her eyes and looked at me thankfully.

I lay her against my chest again and reached for the washing cloth. I put some soap on it and held one of her arms above the water and started washing it. Then the other one.

It wasn't so hard as I had thought it would be.

Somewhere she drifted off again, and I figured I could stop now, but then I would even be more of a coward. I promised her she would smell nice, and I would take care of that.

It was easier now that she was sleeping again. Because while I was washing her body entirely, feeling her soft legs under my fingers through the cloth, moving over her back and her stomach, of course I got a raging hard on. This was the girl of my dreams, my ultimate fantasy, and I was soaping her up. I thanked god that she was asleep again, and that there was no one around to watch as I got out of the water, holding her and laying her down on the ground again.

I lay down next to her, careful not to get too close, she wasn't cold anymore, and I focused really hard on unsexy things. The medicine man, for instance. Naked. Humping his equally wrinkled wife. There. All safe again.

Half an hour later, she started sweating again. I took her back into the cooler cabin. I could feel that her temperature was almost healthy again. She was no longer warmer than me.

I put her on the mattress and she woke up. She smelled her hair and smiled at me.

I brought her a cup of blood but she refused. She wanted meat. There was little meat left, but I warmed it up and gave it to her, and she devoured it almost without chewing. I was reluctant to leave her alone to hunt, even though she did look stable, so I stepped out of the boat and said into the air: "Emmett and Rose, I don't know where you are, but I know you can hear me, I sure can hear you, so stop what you are doing, and bring Ness some more meat, she's hungry."

I got back inside and only a minute later Rose was back as well, to hover over Ness now she was awake.

She sniffed the air and looked at the soap and shampoo on the table, but didn't say anything. I hoped she wasn't mad for me not asking her to do it.

Ness saw and said innocently "I think the fever is coming down, Rose, I feel better now and I washed my hair." She smiled sweetly.

*********

**AN: Poor Jake... Or is it lucky Jake? ;-)**


	49. Chapter 49 Seducing

**Chapter forty nine: Seducing**

**NPOV**

**July 27**

I thought it didn't work. The potion. I was still too weak to get a proper feel of my strength, my senses and my bloodlust. My temperature was off too of course, after those feverish days.

Something else did change though.

When Jake was washing me I had found out why he was so reluctant to do it.

I was too tired to keep my head up and to keep my eyes open, too weak, he must have thought I was asleep. Because when he kept washing me I noticed something. He was a total gentleman of course, never touched me in wrong places or lingered his hands longer than necessary, but he was not careful in hiding his reaction. While his hands were on me, I was totally awake, and totally aware of his erection.

I kept motionless, could not let him know I was awake now.

The next day I felt all kinds of confusion.

My main conclusion was that he was just a man that missed a woman in his life and Niya was not making things easy on him.

But whenever I reached this conclusion, there was a nasty thought that kept popping up, it added smugly: "but his reaction had been for me and me alone".

What was that about? Had I entered a competition with Niya now? Who is best at seducing Jake? I don't know.

And what was at stake? I don't know either.

I just found myself acting more and more seductive around him.

I never put on a shirt anymore, I would hug him as much as I did before, but now making sure my breasts and my hips were pressed against him. I would tell him he needed to hunt later that night because I had been horny all day, watching his shy reaction. I was definitely tempting him. But tempting him to do what? I don't know that either.

This is Jake, my best friend, has been all my life. I didn't want him to do anything. Yet I felt strangely triumphant when I noticed his unease at my behavior. I did have an effect on him. Sexually. It was enticing.

But then he turned away, and sometimes gave me a thoughtful look as if to say "What the hell are you doing?" and I asked myself that same question. I felt low. And mean.

Sure any half naked woman would have some effect on a man that hasn't had sex in a while. A wolf with a thriving sex drive in particular.

So why was I so keen to prove that I had more effect on him than beautiful Niya? Did I need an ego boost? And did my ego depend on my sex appeal? And was I using Jake to make a point?

All these question had no answers.

And I acted just as pathetic as Niya had done for weeks, throwing myself at him, although it was clear he would not cave. Maybe that's what kept me going, knowing that I would be safe with him, and still being able to feel sexy and powerful when he blushed at my actions. Or, maybe deep down, I wanted him to act. Maybe I was just so frustrated that I wanted to know what a wolf could do for me. Sexually.

But this was Jake for gods sake!

Needless to say, I was more than a little confused.

The days passed and there were more and more positive signs that the procedure had worked. I regained my full strength, but I was only just as strong as I had been at the beginning of my log book. Most parameters resembled the earlier measurements more than the later. In one of my calmer moments - I wasn't harassing him all the time - I asked Jake if he could smell a difference, and he could, a little bit. He reassured me that I still smelled good to him. Rose and Emmett sniffed me as well, they said I smelled delicious, but also in a familiar way, they would not be tempted to bite me. I hadn't wanted blood myself after my fever, and now it was time to try it out. I spat it all out again, and as if this was the last proof I needed, I was instantly cheerful.

We didn't know if the turn back was permanent, but for now, there wasn't much more we could do. We had noted all information about the rituals, and if I would change again, we could try to perform it at home.

We made plans to leave the tribe, and they organized a grand farewell ceremony. The medicine man was throwing things in the fire again, he had no idea what the ceremony was about, his mind had left the building again. Paolo was terribly sad to see us go, and there was really no way to keep in touch, so this was probably a goodbye forever. He hugged us all and held Rose a little too long, but Emmett let him.

He leaned in on Rose while he said, loud enough for me and Jake to hear "It's a shame Paolo is not blond, otherwise you might have gotten my permission to keep him. He's cute."

Rose laughed out loud and slapped him on the arm while he winked at me.

"What? It's the twentieth century. Boys love boys all the time."

"Better stay away from me if you're going to be all progressive like that."

"Aw Jake, I think you're cute too, but you're not blond either, are you?" He pouted his lips at Jake to kiss him, but Rose pulled him back hissing "Behave!"

"Right. No twentieth century in this tribe yet. Or in Jake's. Better not shock anyone." he stuck out his tongue at Jake and they both laughed.

The ceremony turned into a party and we had a blast. Mainly because Emmett kept making funny remarks about everything. We had gotten lots of drinks. And Jake had gotten lots of Niya. When we got back to the boat, he definitely was 'hungry'.

And I needed sleep. Drinking made me sleepy, so I soon drifted off and didn't hear him return. We would be traveling back tomorrow morning.


	50. Chapter 50 So Right

**Chapter fifty: So right**

**JPOV**

**August 3**

We were on our way back. Locked up in the boat once again. Now things were entirely different than last time.

Last time, Ness had been half a vampire with a broken heart. A sad and innocent girl. Right now, she was human, seemingly healed from her heartache. And seemingly far from innocent.

I don't know what had gotten into her, but boy did she give me a hard time. And she knew it all too well. Like the tease she is.

She's got something coming alright. And if it will come her way, she's won't know what's happening. She got me _this_ close to ripping her clothes off and fucking her brains out.

If there were any brains left, these days I doubted it. She's all hormones. Trying to get something from me, that she really can't handle. What is she trying to prove?

I suspect Niya has something to do with it. I would not be the bait of some sort of seducing competition.

But boy did I want to give in. She drove me insane, beyond insanity.

Emmett felt sorry for me, he told me to fuck her senseless already, that would teach her not to mess with horny men. But that's Emmett, isn't it.

I loved her. I would not cave. Not like that. I wanted her to love me back.

But if she kept this up, I would die. Or fuck her indeed. And where would that lead our friendship?

I should actually speak to her. Tell her I'm a man with feelings, and that she should not act like that around me. But that would be admitting her effect. And maybe encouraging her more.

She knew I was annoyed sometimes and that didn't stop her either.

Maybe this potion was some sort of powerful aphrodisiacal. Poor girl. Maybe I should help her if she was so frustrated. No. Focus. Mind over matter.

Maybe I should have slept with Niya. Get some frustrations out of my system. But that would have been a bad choice as well. Ness had shown some jealousy of Niya even before this whole show began. And now that she desperately wanted to prove she was more seductive than Niya, I think I would hurt her if I caved.

And besides, this was the first time I admitted this to myself, Niya reminded me too much of my own native girl, and sleeping with her, remembering Leah, would make me feel worse.

So naturally my own hands were quite busy these days.

Being away from the tribe had calmed her down - she wasn't attacking me as much anymore - and I was able to relax a bit. Rose had gotten her to wear shirts again, now we would stay in the dry and cooler boat.

When we would arrive in Manaus, we would go straight to the private airport and fly back home. These were our last days together and I was glad things were easing down a bit so I could enjoy this moments with my Ness, the way I know her and love her. I didn't want to think about living apart again, and I think neither did she.

The last evening on the boat she asked me to hold her again, like I had the first nights. She wanted to spend our last night in my arms, and I wanted to hold her too. I kept her close, ignoring the finality of this night, and we both fell asleep wrapped up in each other.

When I woke up feeling very horny, I was not that surprised, it is not uncommon these days.

Waking up is too big a word for the semi conscious state I was in. Wolves are hard to wake up.

I vaguely felt something in my neck, and oh… in my boxers too. Hmmmm.

Wait.

I tried to regain more consciousness and noticed that Nessie was naked against me, kissing my neck and it was her hand in my boxers stroking me. I must be dreaming.

I didn't try to wake up further, relishing in the fantasy, but as consciousness did seep in, the fantasy became more clear.

I opened my eyes, it was still dark, but my wolf vision clearly saw her, seducing me, pleasing me.

Was this her way of saying goodbye? Or had she finally realized she wanted me all along?

I know I should have stopped her right there. I know that.

But… I hadn't felt this way in a long time, and I wanted her – soooo – bad…

She was totally driving me insane.

And if there ever was the slightest chance that I could have resisted her, it was all lost with one look in her eyes.

That look was pleading with a hint of despair, as if to say "please don't reject me again", so I didn't.

She wanted to feel sexy and wanted, and I could give her that. I gave in, gave her all of myself and took all of her.

Somewhere in the back of my head a voice told me this was wrong, that we both would hurt each other this way, but I managed to ignore it with ease.

My imprint needed this, and who was I to deny? Simple enough an excuse.

I savored every moment and let her ravish me, I touched and kissed every inch of her, while I entered her with every inch of me.

It felt as if the earth and sky were moving with our hips, it felt like coming home.

And then she sighed "This is oh so right."

And it was.

We loved each other.

This was right.

Finally.


	51. Chapter 51 So Wrong

**Chapter fifty one: So Wrong**

**NPOV**

**August 4**

I woke up naked, with his arm around me.

The boat was still, so we had arrived in Manaus. Slowly the events of this night dawned on me.

What had I done? I was a classic rebound girl, seducing her best friend to boost her ego. And he went along.

Of course he did. He was barely awake and I had been seducing him for days. By the time he got to opening his eyes, his boner was already throbbing in my hand.

I had just taken advantage of my friend. Who only slept in my bed because I had sweetly asked him to. A friend who I knew would not deny me anything if I wanted it bad enough.

Now I got what I had wanted. So wrong. So ashamed.

I got out from under his arm to clean myself up and get dressed. He didn't wake up, that would take a lot more.

Yeah, like almost raping him, I thought, angry with myself.

I went into the kitchen an rummaged in the fridge, looking for some leftovers to have for breakfast.

After a while I heard some movement in the room. He came out, wearing fresh boxers and he sat down at the table.

I avoided his gaze, ashamed of myself, afraid of what I might find. I thought he would get angry with me, for finally taking from him, almost with force, what he had denied me for days. Way to go. Great way to ruin a perfect friendship.

How did this happen?

I never thought about actually having sex with him, although it may have seemed otherwise.

But tonight, as I was wrapped in his arms, I accidentally brushed my hand against his rather large erection, while he was sleeping. I got curious and I knew this wolf wouldn't easily wake up, so I put my hand over it and felt it's form through the thin boxers.

At the touch of my hand, his penis twitched a bit, and suddenly I wanted it. I wanted to have that effect on a man and I wanted to feel this one inside of me.

It's not much of an explanation, but it's the only one I had. I had no idea why I wanted this. Perhaps my body just needed some good sex and he was there… how convenient.

I had to admit, it was good sex. Damn good.

Despite what Jasper had said about first times always being awkward, this may even have been the best sex of my life. I thought sex with Josh was amazing, but with Jake it had been… kind of perfect.

He had looked at me like I was the most precious thing on the planet, and it felt like he had really made love to me, even though he was still half asleep.

I hadn't been ashamed tonight, it hadn't felt wrong, it felt so right.

It had been emotional and so very satisfying.

He definitely knew what he was doing. It had been months since I last had sex, and Jake was a very big boy, but he didn't hurt me, quite the opposite.

It felt like our bodies had known each other for years as well. Maybe the imprint made for such mind blowing sex.

Nevertheless, no matter how perfect it had been, it was very very wrong. Using my best friend like that.

During breakfast we didn't talk, he looked at me with the sweetest expression though. One less person that is angry with me.

I couldn't look him in the eye, so I focused really hard on the food.

We were joined by Emmett at our table, who didn't eat of course.

"So" Emmett said, with a strikingly amused look on his face "that sounded like a damn good fuck!"

Both our heads snapped up, in shock. Great. Just freaking perfect.

"Seems like our Nessie has finally gotten her wolf to cave. Feel good now you beat Niya?"

Did he assume that I had sex with Jake to beat her? Did I? Jake looked up at me, waiting for an answer with an expression I couldn't read.

"Sure." I smiled weakly.

Emmett roared and hit Jake on the shoulder "Didn't sound like this one minded much. Damn, why do girls never fight over me like that?"

Suddenly Jake stood up and left the boat. Just like that.

So he _was_ angry with me. He had every right. Even more now I had just admitted it was just a competition thing.

When he finally came back he still acted strange. He was probably embarrassed too that Emmett had heard. I decided we should talk about it when we were alone again. That would not be any time soon, as Rose and Emmett would be on the plane with us as well. We sold all our stuff and the boat as well, and got to the airport where the plane was already waiting for us.

The whole flight was awkward. Emmett tried to lift our moods, saying that everybody needed friends who could provide services like that, but Jake ignored him, and so everybody stayed silent again.

I tried to sleep, because I didn't get much of that last night, and after a while I succeeded.

When the plane landed Jake said that he would run home.

He didn't even want to get a ride back? Was he that angry? It didn't sound like I raped him last night. I'd rather he had said no, if he was going to be angry for days. Although I was afraid there was more wrong than just anger. Something felt off. Very much so.

And it's not fair for me to say that he could have said no, it's not exactly true, he was sleeping and I had made up my mind to have him.

If we could only talk this through. I didn't want him to go home angry and then sleep alone tonight. But he planned on running off. So I couldn't wait till we were alone.

"Jake, I think we need to talk."

He sighed deeply. "I don't think so Ness." I was surprised by the cold tone in his voice.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. I know that. It was night, I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry."

"I need some time alone Ness. I'm serious, I'm not talking about this."

"Are you going to run off as soon as the doors open?"

"Probably."

And as if on cue, the doors opened that moment, and he ran.

He had phased before he left my sight, clothes shredded on the ground.

*********

**AN: Please let me know what you think...**


	52. Chapter 52 Imprint

**Chapter fifty two: Imprint**

**JPOV**

**August 4**

She felt sorry.

Sorry for the most right thing she has ever done to me. It's that feeling of regret that made it so wrong.

There I went again, believing that she was mine now. That she finally felt she wanted me to be with her, every day, be close to her, as close as we had been last night, and closer even.

But when I joined her for breakfast, which could have been the most happy breakfast of my life, she made it the worst.

She didn't look at me, she was ashamed.

She admitted to have fucked me to prove a point. To show that she was more sexy than that tribe slut.

Of course she was. I only ever wanted her. I could have told her that too.

How could she sleep with me for such wrong reasons?

How could she _not_ love me?

I gave her everything.

And more.

Over and over again.

She broke my heart and I kept coming back, like the good dog I am.

How can she not love me?

How can she walk away?

I've had enough of these dirty games.

Pulling me close and pushing me away, putting ideas in my heart and then crushing it.

I have come to a point where enough is enough.

I was internally screaming.

This was more than torture.

More than I could take.

At last.

Finally something broke inside of me.

I would leave.

All of the sudden the truth was clear to me.

She would never love me.

And my mind was set up.

I would break all contact and finally start a life of my own.

There would be no forwarding address, if I knew she could reach me if she wanted to, somehow I would always be waiting for her to finally love me.

And there would still be no freedom from the pain.

There was always the option of telling her I love her. Probably more than anyone would ever love her.

But I wanted her to love me for me, not because of the imprint.

I wanted her to have a choice.

To be free to live the way she wants it.

And I would set her free.

Right now.

A strange feeling of relief came over me.

As if I had broken the chains of the imprint myself.

With that, I felt like I had broken all there is to me.

But I would heal, without the chains, there is more to Jacob Black than imprinting on Renesmee Cullen.

I tried not to be angry with her. For using me again.

She had no clue I loved her.

Although I wondered how she could not know?

How can somebody be so ignorant not to see I loved her with all my heart, and body, and soul.

And then hurt me over and over again.

No more.

No more sunshine for her.

Maybe my love for her was fading already.

At last.

I announced my leaving to the pack, naming Quil as the new alpha. I let Rachel sell my garage and apartment.

I would move across the county, get a new phone and let Rachel promise never to give the number to anyone.

I thought about how I would say goodbye to Ness and the Cullens…

I couldn't.

I wish I could tell her I would always love her, but I couldn't do that either, because I hoped I would stop loving her. Someday.

So I chose the coward way, and wrote her a farewell letter.

_Dearest Nessie,_

_By the time you read this letter, I will be gone._

_And I won't be back._

_The imprint is broken, I can feel it and so can you._

_I don't know how or why._

_I have loved you, I want you to know that._

_Everything I ever did for you, or said to you, came from the heart._

_But now it is time for me to build a life of my own._

_Away from Forks and away from LaPush._

_This is not your fault. I just need to be selfish from now on._

_I hope from the bottom of my heart that you will have a long and happy life._

_That you can live life to the fullest and love equally._

_Don't ever regret anything._

_I will cherish all the memories we have made, but here is where it ends._

_Remember me in our best days, laughing and joking, holding each other…_

_You are the best friend I ever had and I hope that someday you will understand that I have to leave now._

_Wish your family all the best from me._

_I am really really sorry._

_And I will never forget you._

_You are still my favorite person in the world…_

_Your wolf._

_Jake._

Only I wasn't her wolf anymore.

I would never be her wolf again.

*********

**AN: Boy did I cry over this chapter... How about you?**


	53. Chapter 53 Epilogue NPOV

**Epilogue NPOV  
NPOV**

**Six months later  
December**

I haven't seen him or heard from him again, and I am sure I never will.

Never is a long time. Even for a human.

Being fully human now, I need to go on with my life that is not ever lasting.

I managed to get enrolled in college, with a little help from Carlisle pulling strings, I hadn't applied reglementary.

Dartmouth.

Me, mom and dad are studying English literature. Nowadays I call them Edward and Bella, other students would think we were freaks if I called them mom and dad. We are freaks, but they don't have to know that. Edward is more into science than literature, but he wanted to be close to us both.

They live in an appartment just outside town, and I live in a students dorm but visit them often. Esme is looking for a new house to leave Forks and move closer to us.

All my life I have lived in Forks, and selling the house would be extremely hard for me, even though I don't live there anymore.

Someday I want to go back there, and go to LaPush as well, right now, going there would hurt me too much, but maybe some day.

I am considering asking Esme to keep the house. They don't need the money anyway.

Losing Jake has been a million times harder than forgetting about Josh.

To say that things will never be the same would be the understatement of the century. Things will never be right again. And I would never be that Ness again.

Would I ever get over him?

What does that mean, getting over somebody? Forgetting them? Stop loving them? Stop missing them? In those cases I would never get over Jake.

I hadn't even known how much I loved him until he was gone.

Will it ever stop hurting? God I long for that day.

The day that I will no longer regret the choices I made and the things I didn't see, which I should have seen, I was blind in paradise.

Every memory I have is in some way related to him. There is really no place to run, he is inside of me, part of me, even more so, he was the best part of me.

And I thought he would always be here.

He told me he would always be here.

Forever.

I don't blame him. Nobody should live their lives in dutiful service of somebody else.

He had sacrificed so much. I hope he is able to build a beautiful life.

I probably have taken him for granted.

I think that maybe he had loved me a lot more than I deserved back then. Maybe he had loved me thinking I was the one to spend his life with.

I don't know why I believe this now and never thought about that when he was still near.

The signs were there.

Nobody gives so much without loving with all their heart. The way he had held me whenever I cried, the way he smiled at me when my laughter made him happy, the way he had looked into my eyes that night we made love.

If only I had seen it then. I wouldn't have hurt him so much as I had done, talking to him about Josh, about Jasper, seducing him in Brazil.

But I can't change those things now and I can't reach him to say I'm sorry.

To say that I might even love him back. More than I ever loved anybody. That there was no sunshine for me anymore.

I think he never told me because I was just growing up, because he was waiting for me.

But he didn't wait long enough.

Still.

I don't blame him.

He waited for almost eighteen years.

I should have been more perceptive.

But I try not to blame myself either.

I was only seventeen.

I feel so much older now.

I still cry every night, but I try not to. I don't want to keep hurting over him. I tell myself I needed him while growing up, but I don't need him anymore.

I can't be fooled. Now the imprint is broken, I don't need him the way I did before.

But I want him.

And I love him.

Now all I can do is make sure to never make that same mistake again.

Of not recognizing love when it's right in front of me. And if I should ever be so lucky again to get a second chance at love, I would not hold back. I would not live in the past, I would be fearless, dive in and give myself. I would not be bitter.

If given the chance I would love again.

Just not right now.

Not yet.

Someday.


	54. Chapter 54 Epilogue JPOV

**Epilogue JPOV  
****JPOV**

**Six months later  
****December**

Living for someone else instead of for me had not been that bad. It gives your life a sense of purpose, of being important for someone.

I don't have that anymore, it is just me now.

I have to take my own path, and it is frightening but exciting as well. I feel lost and free at the same time.

Sure I miss Ness, but I saw no other way. She hurt me too much, I had to save myself.

I am confident that the imprint is gone. I don't feel her pull anymore, I don't know if she needs me.

By the time I contacted Leah in September to tell her I had moved to New York, she had adopted a baby boy. I was quite shocked, things were moving so fast for her now. But she had always wanted to be a mother, and I could tell that motherhood was good for her.

I have only seen her two times since then. We shouldn't sleep together anymore now, there was the happiness of a kid at stake, but we did anyway.

We live across the country, so our interactions are limited, but both times I saw her, we had been as passionate as ever.

Besides Leah, I haven't slept with anybody. Sex doesn't matter as much anymore.

I wouldn't say I am happy now.

But I am positive I will get there. I am positive in general really, always have been. I'll find my way.

I'm a little more worried about Ness, she should have chosen me.

Nobody would make her happier than I would have.

But she didn't. And despite that she will be fine too.

She's strong, passionate and positive as well. She'll be happy.

As a human or as a vampire.

I have stopped phasing. I have no more reason to want eternal life. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I want to age because Ness is now human too, but there is no hope of ever seeing her again.

None what so ever.

It's the only way I can survive. Even if she would want me back, even if she loved me now, the life I had in mind for us when she was growing up we would never have.

It had been stained, it would never be pure again.

Of course almost every thought I have brings some memories of her.

She had been my gravity for almost eighteen years. It's hard to just forget that.

I don't want to forget any of it in fact.

And it's hard to imagine a different future for me.

The imprint had been the ride of my life.

But technically I am only twenty now, and I still have all my life ahead of me.

I have made my choices and I will live by them.

No regrets.

And someday I will love again.

Just not right now.

Not yet.

Someday.

**_Kane – Let it be_**

_Well the answer is always the same, __won't you please just let it be.  
Cause I've been there and all I can say, __is that it slips away from me.  
With the memory of yesterday's grace, __she spins away from me,  
so I can go on._

_As cold as the void of the night, __the dark surrounding me.  
She leaves me there every time, __as alone as I can be.  
And I drift with the thought of her eyes, __she's all that I can see,  
but I will go on._

_Every long night, every whisper, every song that never saw it coming,  
and she says it's oh so right.  
Every cold night, every shiver, every time I didn't feel it coming,  
she says it's oh so right._

_As heartless and cruel as can be, she moves away from me.  
Still I need to be hers every time, with all that I can be.  
As she calls in the deep of the night, she takes all I've got from me.  
So I can go on._

_Every long night, every whisper, every song that never saw it coming,  
baby don't you know that is not alright, it's not alright, no, no, no.  
Every cold night, every shiver, every silent scream, and she never listens,  
well it's not alright, not alright._

_She rides with the god's of the night, she rules the tides in me.  
She crushes the waves with her sigh, and she.....oh lord.....she becomes a part of me.  
But her care is a sharp as a knife, I'll say, for how can she step away from me.  
How can you just walk away from me?_

_Every cold night, every whisper, every silent scream, and you never listen,  
and you say what?.....It's alright, well it's not all right, no, no.  
Every last time, every shiver, every dirty game,  
well it's just isn't right, it just isn't right._

_She wakes at the dawn of the day, and takes my heart from me.  
Leaves me with nothing to say, nothing left for me.  
But the fever of final goodbyes, she spins away from me.  
So I can go on.......  
I can go on._

*********

**AN: So this is the end of Let it Be. Please review... **

**As you probably understand now, the story was based on this song "Let it Be". You can watch the video at www(DOT)youtube(DOT)com/watch?v=8_9Gmb_aYE4 . ****I think it's beautiful and tragic, I could almost feel the song, and I think now you all can.**

**It's not a happy ending, I apologize to all of you who are now devastated and disapointed. There are plenty of happy endings online, I wanted my story to be different. I planned on getting them together in the end, but it didn't work out that way. I hope you all enjoyed the story anyway. After all, if a story makes you feel, whether it's happy or sad, to me, it was worth it.**

**I am considering publushing a sequel. I feel like I know Jake and Ness now, and I want to know what happens to them next. Will they find each other again? Or will they have moved on? Because right now it is clear that neither of them has.**

**I posted a poll on my profile, sequel or not, so please vote!**


	55. Sequel 'Fearless' up now!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY !!!!!

I had some positive reactions and I can now gladly present to you the sequel:

**Fearless**

What happens to Jake and Nessie?

Their lives will intertwine again...

Will they find happiness and love?

Or something else…

Only one way to find out!

I hope you will enjoy that one equally.

Please keep letting me know your thoughts and feelings.


	56. Nominated!

Yay!!!

Somebody recommended this story on the website "**The Reader's Have Chosen**".

This is my first story ever, and I am thrilled with the positve reactions *happy dance*

There is a monthly poll where readers can vote for their favorite fanfiction, so feel free to check it out and maybe even vote for "Let it Be".

The weblink of the monthly poll is (remove all the spaces):  
thereadershavechosen. eternflame. com/ forum/ index. php? topic= 1434.0

You can vote up to January 31st.

Thank you all very much!

Greetz,  
Kaitsa


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